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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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2003-08-24 - 8:20 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

New diary!

Here I am, with a new blahblah friend... a diary. I feel like Anne Frank (well that is an exaggeration I am sure), writing to a diary instead of a real person.

But right now, this is what I need. A place to place my thoughts and daily happenings. Something I can share if I like. An outlet for me.

Just set this up, and will have to write later today when I have time. Off to walk Moosies. Hungry. Cramped shoulders from working on html all afternoon instead of working on my contracts. A bit tired from crazy night at the leatherfag bar.

Later...

Now it is later: 3:14 am to be exact. I am so tired, and havent gotten half the work done today that I wanted to. It is not so good that I decided I had ample time to finish my sketches before deadline on Tues. Because now i spent the whole bloody day working on my website, and now this diary membership... "what is my fave bands?...what is my fave movies?" all that soooo important stuff.

What a weekend. I am feeling good about it. I did a performance on Friday night for Attitudes. ca. And I was positively inspired by the fetishwear fashion show by Jade that same night. Very nice to feel like a fellow performer instead of a bar patron.

Saturday, got quite a lot of work done on my sketches: enough so that I felt comfortable going out at midnight. I ended up dressed up butchy in leather at L'Aigle Noir, one of our local leatherboy bars. The only pussy in the place, as they say. It felt good to be behind the scenes, watching gay porn and fireplay in the company of gay men. I do wish there was a similar women's space. Dream on.

I also made a date for this coming week to check out the possibility of a gig with R to sing while he plays piano. Mostly ragtime, and hits like "hello Dolly"... I look forward to our goofy collaboration. I must stay in the "just for fun" mode, instead of self-conscious stagefright! Creativity vs shy stiltedness. So few people who see me now could imagine how I used to be.

Self-conscious and painfully shy. Scared that my clothes were wrong, my hair was wrong, my words, voice, gestures, thoughts, jokes, plain just me... were WRONG.

I still have remnants of that, but it is less on the surface. Less all-invasive. Sometimes perhaps I have overcompensated with a devil-may-care, rush-in-where-the-angels-fear-to-tread insouciance. But it is much more comfortable to live with others circumscribing my actions than myself! Yay!

Forward and onward. Perhaps this breakup will not be the huge emotional and energy setback that I feared it would be. I am getting older, and perhaps incredibly, wiser. If such a word could be applied to such a one as me.

Well, that is it for now. I could write about the people I met, the hopes I have, the options that I want to explore, the raccoon I saw tonight. But I am tired tired tired, and must fax off the sketches I HAVE done, and be ready to REALLY work tomorrow. A weekday. The world's workday.

gnite LtheW, sleep tight!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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