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Music: still BARE by Annie Lennox... you'd think i'd be sick of it soon but it speaks to me nowadays

Book Still Life of Pi... Pi ends up on green algae island

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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2003-09-02 - 12:27 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Search of a rosary

Searching the Rosary Workshop site for a rosary. I looked at some on ebay as well... the one I liked the most was a 55" long one meant for a monk or priest or somesuch to wear on his habit or whatever they are called... robe I guess. I think that is TOO long! :) It was black ebony beads. The one I am most attracted to onthe Rosary Workshop is a blue lapis lazuli... I like the light blue wateryness which makes me feel calm and refreshed. But it wouldnt exactly be cool for a fetish piece. Doesnt go with red and black clothes!! I guess I'll keep looking around. I would like one with black wood beads, and deep red paters and antique cross.

There was a beautiful cross on ebay.ca as well.. 4 inches...wood inlaid into metal. But I think the price was already up to over $80. I have to remember I have no money now! Hard to remember! I used to be so good at being careful with money but became cavalier with those good years with little financial responsibility. I have lost the feeling of "not enough"... I know I have credit.

So so hard not to call ob. I was reading some letters in her email file from November, Feb, April. I miss her i miss her i miss her. Hard to remember how hurt I was, how dumped, how disregarded. I guess it is a human thing, or maybe just a fault within me. The angry lack of trust flipflops with remembering the trust I have/did have. Her soft brown eyes, her voice loving me. "baby" "sweetheart" "my girl" "your onion boy" "calling for a goodnight tuck-in": I start to cry just writing those things. My sweet loving ob, where have you gone? Why did you go away? I felt so close to you. But did I know you? Did I ever understand you? Gone. Just gone. I just keep thinking of how happy I was to go to San Fran. How happy I felt that Wed am in your apartment. Happy working in your home while you were at work... the sun on the balcony, little doggy sunning himself. I felt accepted by the roomies. I thought things were worked out with your Maam...Tuesdays and we would prenegotiate other dates. I thought I was a priority in your life. Source of your happiness, friend and lover to share with. I anticipated days and years of being together. you visiting Montreal, Me visiting San Fran. Finding a way to be there... trade my Montreal place for a place in San Fran. Send you to MmeCorn. Working on a book in SF. Walking by the sea with you. Getting you at work.

I saw us together at michfest, giggling, friends, lovers, quiet holding each other. You getting training every afternoon... much like last year... going off for a couple hours and coming back to share... teaching me, having fun, sex. I never ever ever ever ever anticipated being dumped for her. I never ever ever ever felt distrust of her. So blind I was so blind. I was a child walking in the sun with my face smiling and my hands out in love, not knowing that the light was in my eyes, and that there was a dark precipice on every side waitiing to take you away. Roomates. Your Maam. MmeCorn. Your love of service.Your job.

Well, at this point, my Mom phoned, and she asked how michfest was and I burst into tears, so I told her that I just broke up with someone, and then that was the first time I really mentioned ob to her. So sick of being excited about new relationships and not having them work out. And of course it didnt. aaagh. It would have been so wonderful to take ob to Vancouver to visit my mom. oh well. Mom, probably correctly, says pc sounds like an alcoholic. I bet that is just exactly it. And to think that I worried about her drinking way back at the start. Drat and little fishes. I do hope she or someone recognizes it and gets her help. Maybe she'll put her life together and stop fucking herself and others over if she gets some help. So sad so sad. My sweet lovely boi.

Now it is 3:39 am and I am dead tired. Didnt get much done today again... did look up a few references for my next US book... zzzz, and spent too much time on ebay looking for Marys. Here are some non-ebay Marys I found... they would be perfect except that they are 24 inch garden sculptures and I want 12" marys so that one can wear Barbie's scuba mask. Maybe someone will read my diary and call me up and say, hey I have some cheap plaster marys just like that!! hohoho.

Well, I am shutting down today before 4am instead of past 6 like last night. zzzzz. Tomorrow MUST draw missing Totally Gross drawing, and title page sketch for Bear. And get some ascorbic acid so I can freeze peaches. Yum yum... ontario peaches in the winter in my oatmeal! Oh the anticipation!

Goodnight sweet wenchie me.zzzzz

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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