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Music: three separate records (yes, vinyl!!) of Carmen

Book:Unholy Ghost: writers on depression Nell Casey, ed.

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Sept. 20, 2003 - 3:28 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

sadgirl and cryingboy

A cheery drawing done years ago. I feel like in my life tonight I could be in this drawing. Crying. But they are together, comforting each other. And i just feel alone alone. Went to hear JX's band play... it was ok. I think i need more funk or something. But just felt so sad. Wanting to punch things paff paff. Feeling alone missing ob. JX there with her boyfriend, her soul mate. Opera C there with her boy, even though they ve been off and on for I think 2 years now. It is hard cuz he was what I thought as a supportive friend before they got together, and then he completely dumped me. More sadness, aloneness, feelings of betrayal. Thinking of seeing ob in the future. And she will not be at my side. In the past that was one of my most valued things. That she stood by me, beside me. A partner in fun a partner in crime a partner in love a partner in sex. I dont think ever in my life i have felt so together and compatible with a friend or lover. Just comfortable. Secure. Relaxed. Trusting.

And now that is gone. I am so so so so so sad. It seems so stupid and redundant to write that. I mean really. Who hasnt broken up with someone, lost a lover, or a best friend. Hell, i cannot even say I was married for 12 years before i was betrayed. But i feel such a failure. Or if not a failure just sort of hopeless. Sometimes i convince myself i can be more. I can dance flamenco, be a Top, be involved in the sm community here, will have a real lover someday.

And then real life steps in. Other people already have lives that supercede mine. My personality shuts people off simultaneously with me reaching out and getting involved. I just depress myself today.

People. Thinking of what ob said... when she didnt drink for a year, she found people so irritating. Yes they are. And so am I. But at least ob and i didnt get on each others nerves like that. I go to the thing tonight and see some people I have known since I am 18. that is 22 years now. And we have nothing to say to each other. We smile slightly and nod an acknowledgement. This is one of the first girls i kissed, we shared a best friend in our home province and college town. But strangers would be more likely to meet up. Sometimes I wish I would move again to another place. Start again, see different people. Brushing up against the past is hard. Seeing all the people you once hoped you would get together with, and now know it will never happen, because of you, because of them, is hard.

Listening to the headlining band, i was thinking of leaving, which once again made me think of ob... how she would leave some supposedly "cool" event, go home and write me an email...."hey, i am a dork... it was cool but i hated it and left..." I so loved that. Thinking of ob makes me think of her face shutting me out, and then her eyes on the morning of the last day... the soft open caring loving eyes i saw so often and knew. and i start to cry. Thinking of her body, and how much i love it in all its muscly parts and flabby parts, soft wrinkly parts and conventionally beautiful parts which all together make her just her unique. So missing. Such a waste, this breakup, her behaviour.

Then i came home sobbing on my bike in the rain through colored lights reflecting on pavement, throngs of friday night yunguns out on the town jostling each other on the streets. I feel like I could count on my two hands and two feet the times I have had a date on Friday night to go out in Montreal in the past 21 years. What the fuck is wrong with me. But how can i have a date with someone new when i am sad and down and missing like this??? I cannot.

Coming home I looked at the Zone posts in the Michfest BB, hoping to see a new bunch of emails to read from people i know at fest. Instead found posts from the whole group in the zone writing to each other, happily naming each other and happy they will be there. I just go once again into my desire to isolate, to feel outside this chatty group of friends excited to play. I feel like a social dud. Good at talking with anyone from a street beggar to a phd, but socially horrid. And anticipating upcoming years in the zone... next year feeling like pj and CT think i am a drama problem. Disliking cuppy girl, but that is probably just sour grapes. And that whole business of ob and Corncob... more weirdness more weirdness. Why cannot people just nicely say "Hey, LtheW, I think I would like to see someone else" without the nastiness, the invites that end up to be invites to emotional hell, the betrayals. I dont know. Anyways, I am just looking much like these crying children... and maybe that is why i am good at drawing them, i so can feel inside what they feel. Well, what a depressing entry. And I am sure that it will just add to my reputation of being a depressing drag whose conversation centers on her drama. ulg.

Well, I think i'll go to bed and read a cheery book on depression... actually i bought it at a garage sale last weekend, and it is called Unholy Ghost:writers on depression edited by Nell Casey. I read one story in it last night and it was well-written and touched me.

I so want to send a care package to ob, with this book and the Anyway book. Would that be harrassment by her ex?? I should just leave be. But I see the photos of her depressed this spring. And think of her crying and sad and overworking and drinking and want to reach out. I am perhaps just some stupid codependent person who has a saviour do-gooder mentality. But it seems stupid to be less than what you can be.

Well on that note, i am going to make myself some tea and go read in bed. I want a cuddle. I want someone to hold me and rock me in their arms while i cry for an hour. I want someone to say goodnight to me. I want a back massage. I want someone to bring me a cup of tea.

I will have to just be there for me. But it seems so unfair. Unfair for other alone people, and unfair for me alone too.

Gnight wenchie sweetie.

Big hugs, and sweet dreams.

love, yourself

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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