Music:"sum (some?) of her parts", Dwayne Morgan
Book:"Jitterbug Perfume"...Alobar tears apart life-restricting religions.
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Saturday, Sept. 20, 2003 - 9:53 p.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
Depression, Body Chemistry and Body parts
Another, mostly better day.
But it didnt start that way... I read the first story in that Unholy Ghost book of stories on depression, and could relate WAY TOO MUCH!! agh. Now yes I know that at two or three reprises I was struck by the nasty ghost of unholiness itself (way too blah to have a gender) but feel lately that I am doing pretty well at keeping it at bay, except for days like yesterday... where i cannot stop crying.
But I could just so relate to all of the story that I sort of freaked!! eeek, i AM a candidate for drugs as my friend N and my mother have suggested. AAAGH! Strangely my greatest fear, probably more than being in a depression, more than dying. I guess because i feel I wouldnt know anymore which of what I feel is ME. I am happy... is it the drugs? or am I happy?... I am feeling friendly... is it the people, or is it the drugs??
One could always argue the opposite... if I have clinical depression, and I am annoyed by the people... are they annoying, or is it just my brain chemistry? If i am sad, is it a fitting reaction, or is it just my brain chemistry?
One never knows. I guess one IS one's brain chemistry in a manner of speaking... when something threatens you and you are pumped with adrenaline and whatever it is that goes on in the system, you ARE hyped up and angry. Is it anger or is it adrenaline? Apparently this is why action movies, or violent movies, go together so well with sex... it is much the same chemistry, and so they augment each other. We have a hard time telling the elation and excitement apart from the fear and anger, and the elation and the excitement apart from sexual arousal. Now considering that if your life were in danger, it may be your last shot at reproduction before we die (hey, the guy might get eaten by the tiger, but at least he knocked you up first!!... and you can get away to propogate your kind while tigey is chowin down on mr lover boy..)
So, back to the book... well written, and who knew one's inner life was so easily reproduced in someone else??? eeeek! I dont know if I dare continue to read this book... I may end up depressed just realizing how prone to depression i am!!
(and back to chemistry... today i started bleeding, so perhaps it wasnt a sad day yesterday, but just PMS! egads... at one point i pinpointed that everytime I started having second thoughts about a relationship, doubts, fears, deciding we'd be better off not together, that it was pointless anyways, it turned out on the calendar to be the right time of the month for PMS. Strangely, my PMS doesnt seem to make me more irritable or cranky as men tend to accuse, but rather more self-critical, more depressive and melancholy and hopeless about the future.)
Forward and onward.
Phoning many people today. This is something I used to see as needy and shameful. But at the same time it means i keep contact with old friends, and check in with people, who have expressed that they really appreciate that i have kept up friendships. Thankgod I got Seite on the phone... I so like speaking with her, since she is talkative, open, prone to discuss feelings and relationships as much as politics, social criticism and academics. She is opinionated like me, and i totally enjoy it. But fortunately at the end of the conversation I was feeling quite good and like I am totally adequately monitoring my depression as to stay off of drugs much like a someone prone to diabetis can manage their blood sugar through diet if it is not yet totally taking over their system. Yay.
Besides that depression topic... Today on CBC I heard this spoken word song by this guy called "Dwayne Morgan"... he is apparently a young guy from Toronto, and all of his stuff is about issues of consciousness. The song on the radio was called "Some of her parts" and talked about women's body issues, and how that is connected to men seeing women as a sum of their parts vs a person with a soul. "She shows you her soul, and you just see the hole..." snappy intelligent and brilliantly critical. I want to buy his cd, the second one is just out and called "Soul Searching"... you can get it on upfromtheroots.ca... I am so glad for the CBC... so many people complain about it, but it is a doorway into the country, and into different worlds i wouldnt know about. When I met ob, I knew the 80's groups she was into because of having listened to Brave New Waves on CBC when i was in university. Which of course was thanks to Kristina... ob makes me think of Kristina... as being someone who inspired me on so many levels. I got her addy from someone last week, and mean to write her to tell her that after all these many years I still feel her influence...
Well, back to work for an hour or two, so i will have time to go out tonight... going to the Funhouse, must dress femme to wear one of my two new pairs of long opera gloves i bought when i got the rosaries. I should scan in a pair, or a photo of them on...
Tata for now... feeling fine...me.
4am Saturday night:
There are the gloves... thin black leather. Click on them to see a larger photo.
An ok night. I wore the thigh high domme platform boots, little black dress and my blond fluffy wig pulled back off my face, with all the rosaries and dark makeup. Very fun. Good for my posture to dress like this... must always sit straight! Not many people I knew there tonight, and half of those didnt recognize me. A few thought I was Elise, Latex M's ex!! I guess with the eye makeup and the hair we are similar, though she is way slighter of build. Sort of a fun night, but by 2am all my friends had picked up and left, so thought I'd try out the L'aigle noir.
Boy oh boy, those platform/spike heels are not to walk in!! eeek!! And then when i got there the doorman was unequivocal.. no women. His job to keep women out. When i said exactly the same thing that got me in the previous times.. ie i was there to see the backbarman R, and two other wellknown leathermen, one of whom does the fetish shows on Sat nite in the backbar, it was still no go. He wouldnt even go to the back and say I was there, whereas other nights, dressed more butch, I was immediately escorted to the back (and once i just walked straight in).
No, this time he started to go on about how it wasnt a place for women, he couldnt be responsible for what I would see, and I would be "on my own risks" and he "wouldnt be there to protect me"... MY GOD!! the worst i saw before was two guys kissing and feeling up each others pecs. No, actually one guy gave a sort of perfunctory mouth feel (not really a blow job... no coming, not even an erection) to my bartender friend... ooooh! as a bi, I have NEVER in 40 years seen dick!!! And coming from the Fetish Funhouse, it is not like i would be shocked to see anything bdsm.
No, i suspect it was the hair. and the skirt and shoes... aagh... suddenly i am no longer someone to be respectfully escorted to my friends, but rather someone who needs protecting, who would be shocked and out of their element. I got so insulted. What a bunch of projection just for a wig and a skirt. I sort of sneered like "you have got to be kidding", saying "Me?? need protecting?!" and then i did a nono... i sort of slightly slapped him with my glove on the side of his cheek while i said that. like "yeah little boy"... those are devil gloves I tell ya... get me into trouble... I am sure i wouldnt have done the same thing with bare hands! those nasty badass clothes make a new persona. Dear dear. Anyhowz he was SUPREMELY insulted, said I slapped him (it really was a light tap, like you would give to a wayward teenager mouthing off)... and how that was not respectful (of course he is right, but i felt SO not respected)... agh, now i'll never get in again. He picked up and sat at the bar and wouldnt even acknowledge my presence after that, so had no clue if my friends were in the back or not... no way to get a message.
Unfortunately the owner who calls me George is on vacation. I will speak to him on my return and see if i can get standing orders to have "Dyke Bitch" or "George" admitted. And if so, then i will one night go butchy, get in, leave after half an hour, and come back with the femmey hair. IF I get stopped then, i will make a stink. Stupid ass. I cannot believe how feminine women get treated... as if they are stupid little helpless baby girls who cant deal with the world. It is degrading and insulting. Lack of respect. But i still shouldnt have touched him... gives him the one-up now. bad me.
And the funny thing is one would think that this was a scary bar. Hah... men in leather pants and black GAP tshirts kissing and sometimes feeling up crotch, while they have a Corona and watch porn. And buy me drinks. Scary and dangerous. Men are so full of themselves.
Oh well, there is my annoyed rant of the evening. I really must leave gloves at home next time I go there, and learn some more impulse control. Do not treat macho doormen like the condescending presumptuous young men that they are.
Off to have a grilled cheese. I can see I DO NOT feel very clinically depressed right now. Maybe I should get into bar fights. And i dont even get drunk!!!!!!
love, me, wenchie
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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