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musicmy tears screeching in my throat beating my wrists against the wall

readingturning my face away from people who read the sadness on it.

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Sept. 26, 2003 - 5:29 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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Market supply of Love

continuation from today's previous entry...

what do you do when everyone you love is better with someone else than yourself?

when the best thing you can do for them is let them be with someone who'll make them happier

when the best thing you can do is nothing

what do you do when your love just hurts people

what do you do then.

when you can see that their new lover is better for them than you are. that their solitude is better for them than you are. that their living their life without you is better for them than living their life with you.

what is the point of life and love and loving in life if your love isnt wanted and hurts those you love. "too painful" i feel so pointless.

but i am also selfish. i WANT to be in their lives. I WANT them to deal with the pain and be there to love each other. I WANT them to accept the love i have for them. i WANT them to be able to deal with hurting me. I WANT them to be bigger than themselves and be there for me and let me to be there for them. I am SELFISH and WANT good things in life. LOVE, FRIENDS, SHARING. I dont want the whole world to get their love and hugs and caring and sharing elsewhere. i want someone to want it from ME!!!!! i have lots to give i am wonderful and beautiful and funny and loving and insightful, and i am TIRED of people who are so small they cannot stretch to deal with their own fuckingselves and as a result push me away!!!

But fuck, i cannot do anything about it. what you have to offer is only worth something if someone wants it. Love is worth nothing if someone wants self-hatred. Light is worth nothing if someone wants dark. Happiness is worth nothing if someone wants sorrow. Forgiveness is worth nothing if someone wants punishment. Insight is worth nothing if someone wants ignorance. And in the end you can have it all and still be worthless.

The stupid thing is that i am not even enough self-pitying and hopeless to even be properly suicidal. I dont hate myself. I want to live. Life is beautiful. Little children are beautiful. Fruit growing dribbling down my face is beautiful. The wind on my face and the fall sun. My doggie caring if i cry, my cats who need me, everything in nature. Including the marvelous people I love.

Why cant i love them why cant i share the beauty with them what is the point of being intelligent and creative and loving and extravagantly giving if no one wants to listen or play or love or accept gifts.

so pointless. Life will go on death will go on life will go on death will go on. We are nothing and we are everything because we are all we have.

me, wench. me.

Someone loves you pc. my onion. me.

Someone loves you wench. dalump. me.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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