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Music:getting my father to listen to my choir cd

Reading;Le Journal de Montrealreporter in blackface doesnt get a job interview

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Sunday, Oct. 05, 2003 - 2:55 a.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Chinese Hare and Picking up Dad

Yes, I was right about the alone time while my father is here... he has already been in bed for 20 mins. So here i am writing online.

Thought I would give a taste of the sketch i was working on Thursday night and Friday... this is a detail, and you can see the larger format, though it will be 19inches tall in the final printing.

Also for our entertainment and edification, here is some information on my chinese zodiac, the Hare... this courtesy of Bonny (thanks Bonny!):

NAME IN CHINESE:Tu
GEMSTONES:Pearl or Emerald
BEST TIME OF DAY:5:00AM to 7:00AM
YEARS:1903, 1915, 1927,
1939, 1951, 1963,
1975, 1987, 1999
HARE: Hare are gentle, wise, humble, and quick. People of the Hare are natural born parents, because they naturally value the very things that nurture children. They are shy at times, and always struggle with low-self esteem. In spite of this, they are often extremely intelligent.

If they can get others to hear their counsel, they can emerge as leaders within their group. More than any other quality, people of the Hare are loving, even to a fault. As romantic partners, Hares shine through both their bodies and their hearts. Hares are 'keepers', if you can catch one.

I hate to say that is just mostly right on.

I managed to get the house sort of clean, except for the horizontal surfaces which pick up all sorts of flotsam and jetsam as if a combo stationaryshop/bookstore yacht had capsized nearby. oh well. Floor washed, toilet cleaned (yay CLR), dishes washed... I realize that it is a desire to escape shame that pushes me to tidy when people come over, rather than any innate tidiness unleashed. It is the same fear of shaming that gets me to do many things in my life.

I remember that time when my massage class teacher did a demo on the back of my neck, and found hypertension, and during the break worked on me, provoking me to tears (as well as a new awareness of how one can move tension around one's body rather than let it go... somewhat like moving a toy truck along the highways of arms and legs, to park in the back of the head, in the fists, in the back of the calves, behind the shoulder blades... all very interesting and a future play item) She then asked some probing questions, including had i been eating... well, not really... and then she suggested that she take me shopping the next day for food (as if i was both financially and practically incapable of choosing and buying my own nutrients). I was so shamed at the thought that at 23 i should be judged incapable of feeding myself that i pulled my life together and ate well for the rest of the semester. Homemade soups, salads of chopped red cabbage/ fresh parsley/ grated carrot...

Yes, shame can be a great motivator when you are afraid of it.

So, clean house, clean hair, clean clothes, and i did arrive mostly on time to pick up Dad... i say mostly, since i was late but he hadnt come into the baggage area yet. Driving there i was thinking of ob freaking cuz she was too late driving me to the bus one night. I wasnt very put out (hey, i got to stay with her a whole day longer!), but she was totally beating herself up for fucking up. I finally gave her a time limit.

I wonder if she ever realized how much we are alike... or how much i was like her and have grown out of it, at least a little wee bit. I remember the time i was late (misread the bus times, didnt leave early enough, missed the bus, next bus didnt arrive...big mess) to go for lunch with my then lover, who had a lunch break at a specific time. I was totally freaked that i had fucked up, and that she was probably not eating, instead waiting for my iminent arrival to eat together as promised. I was so worked up you wouldve thought i had caused her to kill off her most-beloved child due to neglect. I was shaking, angry, frustrated, snapping at people, just completely not handling it. When i got there, my thenlover was not bothered at all, had extended her lunch break, while i was crying and blaming myself for fucking up. Totally out of proportion, gone into self-recriminatory tailspin. Not helpful to any situation.

And it was such a small thing. Being late to meet someone for lunch. And the funny thing is that it is the small things where i tell myself i shouldve known better, shouldve done better, that bother me. Big huge things like losing my job, or my brother dying, I take way more in stride... go into "fix the problem" mode, or just go "well, nothing to be done"

Though big things adding up with small things will also put me over the edge. Ie Sept 11 TOGETHER with being told one word "no", when i tried to feel up my lover of the time.------ moving my lover all the way across the country to live 3000 miles away from me TOGETHER with discovering that the room we were moving her into had people still in it, with boxes and clothes strewn about everywhere.------working for weeks at breakneck speed to finish a huge contract TOGETHER with discovering Fedex made its pickup cutoff time one hour earlier the very day i had to send said contract.

There is a reason why the saying is "the straw that broke the camel's back", and not "the 5ton brick of lead that broke the camel's back".

Interestingly enough i fear that the fact that i get upset whereas her Mme remains alarmingly unperturbed, even when causing others inconvenience, hassle and emotional pain, is one of the deciding factors in me losing ob. And i fear that the fact that i hold up well under great stress, picking up the slack as ob put it, remaining practical and efficient, is ironically another deciding factor in me losing ob.

Me getting upset when she was already overwhelmed was something she couldnt deal with. And me helping out when she was not holding up her end made her feel that i would let her not hold up her end. What a schmozzle. I guess i shouldve been more heartless, less sensitive, and less responsible. gllll.

I wish i had not thrown out the last dredges of questionable bread (along with the zucchini reduced to water.. yay for ziplocs, the 2 month old birthday cake... fascinating mold, the three month old containers of buttermilk, the totally rotted pineapple... i had good intentions to eat well)---- i SO want a grilled cheese now. I have cheese but no bread no bread no bread. I could melt cheese on a plate and just eat it melted???

Too bad my dad is sleeping in the room with the hookah stuff... I would indulge again tonight. Last nite I got to bed at 7:30 am because I DID have a corona with double lime, along with a strawberry hookah. Mmm, some vices are nice. (I offered, but my dad does NOT want to try the hookah. Not once. He has in some ways remained truly true to himself!) well, i think i may write some things on my website. Back later.

I wish my fave diaries would update more often so i could read more often (alternamommy, meeyapede...)... just discovered "meeyapede" is a warped version of millipede, apparently the name of one of her hanimals... like i turn muesli in to moodgie-moodgie. hmmm, all makes sense now...

Off to find some cheese now it has gone 4:01am

Here is my horoscope for Saturday, October 4:

Follow practical lines when seeking an agreement. Pushing against a solid wall certainly won't move it or wear it down. Your head is more than a battering ram. Others are counting on you to think.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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