music today: "Medusa"
Reading today: Nothing.
Tuesday, Oct. 07, 2003 - 1:10 a.m.
Cost of the War in Iraq
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Heart is a stone bumping on reality
added by editing at 2:27am:
AAAGH! i am the PERFECT GIRLFRIEND!!! This is why people leave me for bitches, and sadistic distant dommes, and emotionally detached supermodels, and jealous possessive mother figures... I am just too good and thus no challenge, and boring, and too easy to be around and taken for granted! I am pals to guys, which doesnt turn them on. I am too easy to talk to, and people open up and then freak out. I am there for them, and thus they dont need to chase me. I am giving, and thus they dont have to woe me. I am easy to get into bed, and thus they dont have to cajole and beg and buy me. (yes, she BEGGED for THREE MONTHS to get KISSED!! aaagh!! i am TOO NICE AND TOO EASY AND WHATNOT!! Stupid stupid me!!!) end of 2:31 am edit
Wow, it is only 1am... strange how one's perception of time changes with someone else in the house... my Dad has been in bed for nearly an hour, so it seems REALLY late.
Working on Bear. It's pleasant and going well. But brain thinking. or heart thinking.
What is the point of forgiving ob if she never speaks to me again (and the snarky sarcastic side of me thinks... gee, shouldve hit her... she threatened to never speak to me again if i ever hit her in anger... but a wasted opportunity if she never speaks to me again anyways! Joan Crawford or Bette Davis probably wouldve hit her. I think there is difference between battering, and giving someone a whack they absolutely and totally deserve. Hah! shouldve had those Devil Gloves on, and i wouldve!! LOL!)
I guess the point of forgiving is for me. I must admit that i ranted in anger about my father for about 12 years. I ranted in anger about Sya for about 2 years. I ranted in anger about M for about a year. I ranted in anger about C for about 5 months. And i only ranted in anger about ob for about a month. I would say i am doing damn good. Making progress... slowly!! LOL!.
I was reading on someone's site how people sometimes just make up explanations in their head (totally make-believe erroneous explanations) when the truth is too ugly to deal with. And i am afraid i will slide into that with ob. Sometimes i just want to deny the whole thing, and call her up and chat about my day, and listen to what she's up to. How is her job? Is she still in the stressful job she doesnt like? Does she still have to work crazy hours? How is she doing with her roomates? Or now i suppose it is one roomate, and no dog. Did she work things out with her Mme? Has she found someone to replace me? A new lover for her new city? Is she madly in love with Corncob? Is she now Corncob's? Has she put me in a box and forgotten about me? Is she lonely or happy? Does she still go to the gym? Is she taking care of herself? Drinking, walking the streets, going to her favorite restos? Has she discovered new areas of town?
I can almost forget the nightmares of our last days, of the previous visit, and just think about how we get along. How we can chat.
But it is an illusion. I couldnt deal with hearing about her Mme, about Corncob, her life i'm not part of anymore. That i want to be part of, if i forget how she treated me.
"Wench, she would dump you in a second if Corncob wanted her"... that truth rings in my ears. And rings in my heart. It is true. And she did. I cannot lose sight of that. Why do i want to be there for someone, take care of them, love them and protect them, when they are not willing to do the same for me? Not only not willing to be there if i need her, but in fact, inflicting the pain her very own self. I dont think i could hurt her like that.
Even if some amazing top had asked me to do training or 24/7, i wouldve put it off til after my time with ob. I wouldve decided at home what i wanted to do. Not just dumped her there after she travelled to be with me. I wouldve cleaned things up with her before i started something new, so she didnt hope and invest if i wasnt going to do the same.
That is the truth that is so hard to deal with. The absolute feeling of abandonment by someone i totally trusted and believed was sincere. Whom i believed wanted to be there for me. The hurt of being dumped for someone else. I want to explain it to myself... "she wanted you still, but was in a situation that she couldnt refuse"...hah. Remember how she had the choice NOT to fuck you around. And thought about it. And told you straight to your very face "I know this is painful to say, but I chose Corncob, not you", even after i told her it would be the end. She chose. She chose. That is so hard. So painful. I so DONT want to believe it.
I want to believe that she regrets that choice. That she was just being headstrong, like a teenager who loves her parents but still chooses to disobey, to prove she can. That she made a mistake and misses me. That she loves me still and thinks of me and wishes i were there.
But if that were the truth, she wouldve at least called, or emailed a single time. Apologized.
No. Better to face the facts. Stop thinking that she is wishing that she had chosen differently. Stop hoping one day she will say "what the fuck was i thinking" and that you can be friends again. Close again. Share again.
Face up to the fact that she chose NOT YOU. She thought and felt and decided to let you go, to have life without you, and even to use you and hurt you. To the very end, wanting you to help her impress Corncob. Not caring that she was taking your talents (draw me a new moustache), your energy (help me get dressed), your time (I will for sure be there at dinner, wait for me if i'm late), and just sucking them up as nourishment in order to give nothing back, and to give more to Corncob. And not apologizing, or even being aware or caring.
Imagine that I asked her to come to Canada, to stay with me, and then said i'd rather give up our whole relationship to play one night with M, and THEN ask her to do my makeup and help me get dressed, so i could leave her alone and go to him.
And this is the same ob who didnt want to have her Mme overhear that she was going to paint my toenails. See where her caring lies. Not with you.
I am sad.
And unfortunately when i am coloring in, i think of these things. My brain is free and it is dragging my heart along like a rock on a string, flying ahead, dragging my heart banging and bumping on the hard ground of reality, bump bump.
I will go back to work now.
How can i go back to fest. How.
I keep remembering how it feels when she totally flings her arms around me to hug me.
And how she said "poor baby" when i poked out my eye, and bought me chinese bandaids.
I am so so sad.
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Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
*inspired by Chaosdaily