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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Oct. 09, 2003 - 11:44 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

We dont need an encyclopedia, just a short answer

I think one of the hardest things about the breakup with ob is how it fell apart due to her being pulled to chose other people rather than me. I wish it had fallen apart due to the distance. Or due to our arguing or lack of common interests or somesuch.

I always felt like my greatest gift in ob was that she appreciated me for me, opinionated, outspoken, bossy, ... that i didnt need to apologize for these things, and in fact could actually develop them into something to be valued... ie dommeing, instead of feared as something that drove people away.

And in the end I felt like once again I was a problem in her life, with her roomate, at the shoestore when i complained, when i spoke up about problems I saw in her life. And I even felt like i wasnt good enough as a novice domme. She chose everyone else over me. Her roomate, her job, her Mme, Corncob. And it is hard not to feel that it is because I was found lacking in comparisons.

I am trying hard hard to hang onto that feeling: when I was ranting my opinions at Rumsfield on the tv, or bitching at the Kmart clerk who was being anal about ID, that feeling that someone would stand beside me. Not roll their eyes, and leave the room. Not pretend I wasnt with them and stand "over there". Not walk two steps ahead. Or start humming to themselves. That when i was down on myself for this side of my personality and would start criticising myself and apologizing, that someone would say "don't apologize". That i would actually be loved despite, and even maybe maybe because, I was outspoken and bitchy and opinionated.

I see other people like the meeyapede diaryland writer, and the woman who writes Bitchslap, who are valued for their uppity bitchy opinionated take on life. And i think... hey, i could be ok the way i am. I should just be like that, an uppity bitch. See, they have friends and followers.

But i guess they are brassy and spiffy, charming and brash. They have chutzpah and bravado. And i have fear and self-recrimination, and now, another failure on my relationship agenda.

"I dont give a fuck" sings/shouts Peaches. I guess my problem is that i do.

Someone says "you are even meaner than my Mme" and i just cringe inside and have to cry in the bathroom hidden alone, for fear that that is the indictment that will lose me a newly valued friend/lover. I am like ob, daring to dress up and be peppy, but still holding myself vulnerably chained in, fearful of rejection.

How i wish that i still felt i had that one person who i felt appreciated me in that way. She gave me courage and self-assurance. And that helped me head towards the brassy/spiffy/charming and brash.

Back to work.

I'll write about the bad dreams last night later....

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, October 9:

Bitter turns to sweet. At last you find a use for something or someone that, until now, hasn't really fit. Wisdom and passion look good on you. For the next few days, your heart is big and your mind is open.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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