Thursday, Oct. 16, 2003 - 12:50 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
I am a Goodie: Heaven
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Well, I TRY NOT to be such a goodie! Goddamn. It is a combination of morals (see, i dont LIKE to litter, and hurt people's feelings, and I understand that if i break or steal something it makes another individual sad and hurt, and if it is in public, it make MY life as horrid as everyones), and suckiness... i want to be "nice"... i know that is horrid sounding. But I always have felt like a mean nasty bitch, who snarks at people she cares about, who is too reactionary, and scathing. I used to kick my friends in the shin in highschool for no reason. Maybe it was a reaction to being such a goodie.
I also am not such a risktaker. I am afraid of forward rolls cuz i will hurt my neck. And now i'm freaked that i will skid out and die if I get my motorcycle license. I think it is just stupid to drink and drive (and i abhore the idea that someone will think i'm stupid if they found me doing such a thing, besides the possibility of killing a pedestrian, a passenger or another driver). I don't do drugs beyond a toke here and there cuz I had a bout of depression in highschool and went "out of it" and so am freaked to go "out of it" again... ie not be in control of my brain chemistry.
I was an older sister, so was always aligning myself with mom and dad... helping with baby brother and all. In grade school I identified more with the teacher than the students, thinking "boy, why are they being so mean and making her life difficult by running around and not listening?". Even in highschool when everyone made the algebra teacher leave the class in tears, I just felt bad for her. Then again, there was the "big sister must set a good example". . Must not be bad, or lazy, or not be the first to learn something.
And then there is the fact that I don't LIKE the taste of alcohol, and HATE the smell of cigarettes, and don't LIKE to pick on small animals. Real guns freak me out. I don't like to break things that are just nice as they are. Hell, i hate sharpening new colored pencils, cuz they look so lovely in the box! I would make a lousy developer, cuz I see the potential in the land as-is. I think I would only be good at developing land already screwed around into wasteland by previous "development". Not by ruining prairie ecosystems, or straightening out rivers, or ripping out forests or bulldozing hills or filling in marshlands.
I think about how my body feels. So I don't like when I smoke too much hookah or pot and my lungs hurt and my throat closes up. I don't like getting a hangover, so once that happened once, it never happened again. I don't like being fat and overweight and not having my clothes fit, so I don't let myself go bezerk on the food.
I worry about other people's feelings more than my own, so i am wracked with guilt if I use them or abuse them.
Anyhowz. I will NOT get to hell by any vice criteria that that quiz tested. I WILL of course go to hell if it is compulsory for people who have:
fantasized giving a swift uppercut to the balls of my ex. Slept with people of the same sex. Had threesomes. Attempted to get pregnant by artificial means. Gotten $ from a government program by not being fully honest. Disrespected my parents. Not honoring God (in any form, unless honoring the world is good enough). Borrowing money. Living on credit. Having sex out of wedlock.
Using birth control. Supporting abortion choice. Eating meat that is not freerange organic. Used up too much earthly ressources. Disrespected religions. Been snarky. Been domineering, bossy and overbearing. Encouraged pornography production. Fantasized about pedophilia. Engaged in bdsm. Crossdressed. Fornicated. Buggery. Made images of God's creations. Used his name in vain. Swore. Sat in Drusilla's chair.
Teased dominants. Self-abused with my hands, and objects such as the dolphin. Not kept the sabbath day. Coveted my neighbor's wife, clothes, personality, hair, garden. Have taught and advised men. Been in church without covering my head. Stole toilet paper from public washrooms. Verbally abused stupid people who couldnt help they were born stupid.
Well, we can see that Koolplace.com's criteria for getting into hell is just too lax, and does not jibe with the majority of the world, and certainly not with Bible standards. (Judge me to be only 13% evil How unattractive is that?....)So I may yet get to go with my friends and exes to Hell for eternity. Except I don't believe in it. I believe we create our own hell on earth on a daily basis. Yup.
Speaking of which, didnt get to bed til 7:30 am last night. Indulged in a few vices courtesy of ob. Well, one anyway... smoked the hookah again, and got some great billows going. So I took out the camera and the regular lense, and took two rolls of film. I will post some if any turn out. It is hell on the lungs to try to produce clouds of smoke visible enough and interesting enough to photograph!
After the film ran out I read Jitterbug Perfume and puffed away... for some reason (cool air near the floor??) the smoke rolled around my body, as though it was fog in the valley, with my knees the Rockies... roiling and boiling like dry ice on a bad rock stage. It was quite fun, while I read about Wigg Dannyboy's theories of longevity, perfume, and the afterlife. If you are interested in any of the above (add in religion), and have a strong tolerance for multiply stacked mixed metaphors, I highly recommend that book. I do believe that Tom Robbins is just intelligent beyond belief and just overflows with ideas. A real Brer Rabbit. He's not my favorite writer, but if he speaks like he writes, I would enjoy his company.
I have just tons of quotes and thoughts from reading that book, but shall have to make a whole html page about it eventually.
I am going to sign off now... somehow around 1am I judged that I was going along great on my work schedule, and so surfed diaries and diary reviews for ages. Now it is 5:14 and I have another hour left to go.
Oh, I also created a new survey....hopefully I get the link right for you to take my Dirty Laundry Survey thanks!!
goodnight to me, eventually!
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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