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Reading today:"Les memoires du queteux ecrivain" by A.S. Fortin

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, Oct. 21, 2003 - 6:42 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Whiny Idiot Savante/ Quizzes galore

*****This is a depressing entry. For a less depressing one try your luck HERE or HERE, or skip down the page to QUIZ RESULTSThanks*****

tension in my back.

I know that it is stress. Working, getting up earlier, being more on top of things, would cure it. Not a massage or "relaxing". I know that.

I wonder if I am so dismissive of my career and what I have in life because I am not doing the thing I was meant to do. Or if I am just this way about whatever I do, judging myself harshly and comparing myself constantly to those who do more, better.

Would I be happier if I dumped it all and did something completely different? Jumped in with both feet... sold the house, bought something with a smaller apartment, but space that could be public: have a dropin center, a coffeeshop, a space for perfomances and art that I want to support. A place where I could teach, and support those I admire.

Maybe get a space with a room for a child. Allow myself to be judged by an agency as to whether I could adopt or foster a child. Allow myself the risks of changing my whole fucking life... change my schedule to accommodate others, give up my freedom which hangs around my neck like a wet feather pillow.

I have so many ideas. And feel so stymied by the way I have set my life up around another dream that did not happen. Too much space and not enough of the right kind of space. Too much responsibility, but not the kind that brings me fulfilment. Too much time off, but not time that fulfils me.

Feeling spoiled and overwhelmed with "good" things. At the same time, feeling self-pitying and starved, needy and empty and sad.

Must change something. Either my attitude or my life.

Exhausting and daunting. I need a direction.

I swear I am happier making a loaf of bread than a drawing. I am happier serving a coffee to a cold person than listening to accolades about my talent. I value other people's art more than my own.

I am lonely. Lonely AND alone. In a sea of people, I have a lifeboat that seats twenty to myself, and it doesnt make me happy.

I want a hug. From someone I love. I want someone to love.

I must work instead.

I feel like a whiny idiot. A whiny idiot savante.

Later....

Not Much Later:

Things I am beating myself up about:

*Not having sprayed the plants for bugs while it was warm outside
*Neglecting the garden this year
*Not having done the dishes
*Spending too much time internet surfing
*Not having stocked the freezer with fall food
*Not having rearranged the studio to put in more bookshelves
*Not having rearranged the studio so I could teach in it
*Not having called the School for the Blind to volunteer
*Not getting up by 1pm
*Not having a schedule condusive to volunteering, to adopting a child, to fostering, to working in the garden
*Not writing new comics
*Not working on my book on single women infertility
*Being down on myself
*Being self-pitying and self-absorbed
*Not being over ob
*Having been sucked into giving ob a second chance when she was bound to fail
*Having shouted at ob and criticized her life instead of being supportive and getting unentangled myself from it
*Not making friends
Not being good at getting along with people
*Not walking my dog enought
*Not training her continually so that she has become illdisciplined and stubborn
*Not being more proactive in going into schools as an illustrator/ animator
*Not having done more academic studies
*Not having more intellectual pursuits
*Being an intellectual and hobby diletante
*Being a know-it-all
*Being too sad too long
*Being too self-critical
*Being lazy
*Being undisciplined
*Having more book intelligence than emotional intelligence
*Being whiny
*Not writing better when I write my diary entries
*Not having made a website for my illustration
*Not eating better lately
*Not having cleaned out the basement
*Leaving my tomatoes to rot on the vine after I told a woman she couldnt have them
*Not doing something important with my talents and energy
*Not doing something that makes a difference like "Doctors without Borders" or "Les Livres dans la Rue"
*Not having become a doctor or professor or somesuch
*Not managing my money better
*Not reading faster
*Not having a better longterm memory for facts
*Not following up on my ideas of journalism
*Not doing my yoga or going to the gym
*Writing this instead of working on the Bear book
*Not appreciating my mother, father and siblings more: whining I dont have family when I don't take the energy to properly forge relationships with them.
*Becoming isolated by withdrawing from things that disappoint me: choir, the public library, the sm community, michfest
*Not having a support system anymore that would enable me to have a child in my life

Well I am running out of steam. I am sure there is more. I am writing this, cuz I am sure it will be totally hilarious in a while, such as a similar list I wrote in 1985 was. Well, I WILL work now. bye.

I really wish more people who read this stuff would at least leave a comment saying "hi", or "liked such and such a link". I feel like I am writing in a vacuum, and then when I go on other diary sites, I can see they get 3-15 comments a day. hah. There I go comparing myself again. aaagh. Today is not the best of days. I wish I were 10 years old and my grandmother was here baking bread and would call me to supper soon.hah.

11:58pmYes, once again it is LATER. Thank god I called my friend Bylis, it helped get me out of the super doldrums and into a bit of a better mood. It did take her intervening twice and saying "did you call me up to rant?", when actually I called her up to hear something, anything nice about myself (and that i rant at people nonconsensually is not helpful), and to listen to someone else's life so i would get out of my spiral of thought. Well, it did work. Now I feel motivated to write up some questions that I could use to interview infertile women for possible upcoming book I'd like to write. (This would be a good reason to get a laptop, non?)

Also I ended up doing this goofy quiz on the Relentles Divas website and boy oh boy, they think I am:Ok...I have a Creative Personality
What's Your Personality?Find out!

Ah, a genie in a box mustve told them. I must admit I prefer doing quizzes I cannot immediately guess the outcome of.

Ah, here is a better outcome, this time to the quiz "Are you Crazy?"Ummm...I'm Crazking.
Are You Crazy??Find out!

Now, for the flower, first I got a "rose" urk, so I changed a couple answers and got this:
Pretty!  I'm a buttercup!
Which Flower Are You?Find out!
That's better I guess... at least it feels more like me than a rose!

You know maybe I should just do like most religions and give myself ONE day a week to DEFINITELY NOT WORK, and I can just goof around like I am now, taking quizes on the internet and not feel guilty about it. Here is my death test results:
Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:
December 14, 2041 at the age of 78 years old.

On that date you will most likely die from:
Cancer (34%)
Alien Abduction (14%)
Heart Attack (12%)
Homicide (10%)
Third Degree Burns (7%)

That is courtesy of The Spark.com's Death Test

Well, I did their Best Friends test, and I got:
Joyous trumpets and champagne supernovas! You are 69% rock-solid friend!
The Three Musketeers. The Three Amigos. The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse? you belong, dude, you belong! Some people put their neck on the line for their friends; you put your ass on the line. And by the way, nice ass. People know they can count on you in a crunch, in a jam, and in other food metaphors describing times of desperation. You give the gift of hope, but more importantly, you give the gift of kidney. Your rewards in life will be great, or at least better than other people's. To quote a fortune cookie: "You are soon have a fortunate experiences."
FUN FACT...
people more trustworthy than you (52%)
people just as trustworthy as you (2%)
people less trustworthy than you (45%)

Well, isn't that chastening, once I read down past the nice friend thing.... 52% of people are more trustworthy than me. Wow. Revelations and revelations. I guess cuz I didnt say I would give up my love, my pet and my life for my best friend (ie wouldnt go to war or swim in a shark tank to save them... heck no point in us both dying, eh!)

Please do my two new surveys, called "Sexaddict", "Dirty Laundry" and "Breakup", okay?

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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