Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Saturday, Oct. 09, 2004 - 2:31 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
Wenchie the Agnostic
This via Chaosdaily:
Agnostic
You've probably studied loads of different religions, but you're just not sure if any of it is true. Evolution makes some sense to you, but it doesn't satisfy you. Lastly, your personality is one of question, but you won't go out of your way to find -The Truth- It's more of a hobby.
Well, that's pretty much true. Here's how I scored bit by bit:
All of the possible quiz results for this quiz:
* Fundamentalist Christian (You scored 0)
* Holy Roller (You scored 0)
* Average Christian (You scored 0)
* True Christian (You scored 0)
* Modern Satanist (You scored 0)
* Theistic/Traditional Satanist (You scored 0)
* Luciferian (You scored 0)
* Devil Worshipper (You scored 0)
* Atheist (You scored 2)
* Agnostic (You scored 5)
* New Aged/Wiccan (You scored 0)
* Pagan/Occultist (You scored 1)
* Discordian (You scored 0)
* Category Unknown (You scored 2)
HAHAHA, I didn't score high on Fundamentalist Christian NOR New Aged Wiccan Pagan.
Well, I am zapped. I think I am going to go to bed. These days are just exhausting. I don't know how much longer I can go from meltdown to being nice to meltdown to being nice.
Weirdly enough this is totally like my relationship with my English girlfriend, except that my Dad and I have way more in common personality wise. But the verbal fighting, the distancing where you think you are going to do something together and the other person just does their own thing although you are right there, the crazy seesaw between wanting to kill the person and caring about them, between wanting them out of your life for good and enjoying good times is totally the same.
I guess that explains a lot of why I stayed in that relationship. I can also totally see how my mother ended up with depression. Even leaving the room when I am getting wound up (his term but pretty accurate... feels sort of like someone spinning me around in a trap) doesn't get rid of the stress in the body, the heart pounding, the shaking hands, the feeling of electricity running through you. I really notice it if I try to draw.
I think it is so funny when people say "it is a waste of energy to fight" or whatever one does when one is "wound up". That is like telling a thundercloud that lightening is a waste of energy and its energy is too precious to waste. HAH! It is a DISCHARGE of EXCESS energy is what it is... if you don't let it out it goes inward.
Depression is anger turned inward.
Shutting off and shutting down fuck you up. Acting like everything is fine when someone is driving you crazy is crazy.
Thank god for the ok times, but I think this isn't healthy for me. I try to see that it is helping me to mature, to grow, to see things. Perhaps the combo of seeing the truth in the parts that he is RIGHT about what is "wrong" with me, and seeing the truth in the parts of him that I am RIGHT about what is "wrong" with him and that unfortunately I replicate, is just teaching me I am best to live and work alone. Best to not impose my personality on other people. Best to do my own thing and bump up against friends for short periods of time.
This makes me unspeakably sad.
Goodnight.
Wenchie.
The Agnostic.
Cuz who the fuck could know.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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