Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Apr. 17, 2004 - 11:16 p.m.

I am so silly. Making myself cry. I just went to this astrology site that was given to me by the woman sitting at the next table in the coffeeshop this afternoon. How did that happen? I mentioned in passing the "lovely accent" stranger thingie, since she was reading a book about being single today, and she asked what that was from and I replied my daily horoscope.

So, I went there and plugged in my info and got some horoscope for today, which says that people will get on my nerves. Well, other than the guy who told me he is glad I don't give him bj's (stupid dick), I have had a nice day. But then I went and clicked on the "free love and romance horoscope" thingie, and yeah, I get all weepy.

I need someone who feels stable about the relationship cuz I tend to feel a bit on and off at the start. (I remember how grounding it felt to me when ob told me I didn't need to be insecure with her... I just relaxed so much instead of stressing), I give alot, very generous and need someone to appreciate that and not be freaked by it. uhuh. I am passionate and cannot abide stagnation and boredom so will work to keep the relationship alive, and want and expect passion back. Uhuh.

I will be loyal and expect that back. Yup.

It says that I will be best with longer affairs than with short things. I think that is where I started crying. It says that I will probably end up living with the person I love cuz I like to care for them and give alot and that cannot be done in one night. Uhuh.

I don't know why this makes me cry. I guess cuz I know how good I can be to someone and how little chance I ever get to do that. How I spoil people enough that they don't want to break up with me when they are cheating on me and love someone else more. How I hear "you are so good to me" and "you are the greatest" and "you are so loving" and then get dumped for someone who my new ex bitches about. How I have exes that come back and say to me "it is nice to talk with you again cuz I missed having an indepth conversation", who tell me how much more fun they had in bed with me than the ones after me. With how accepted they felt blah blah blah. Yeah, blah blah blah. I am tired of people coming back three years after they break up with the one they left me for, saying "want to have a baby with me? want to have sex tonight? want to ..." Whatever.

It is better than having exes that come back and say that I was the worst in bed, or the least caring, or whatever. But why the fuck then do they all screw me around for someone else?

It is certainly not because I am "too nice" cuz I certainly am not too nice. It is not cuz I'm too pessimistic, cuz I can usually see how to make practicalities work where they cannot. Maybe that is it. They cannot see things working. And there is nothing I can do. Sort of like someone who has decided they will drop out of French class because they have convinced themself that they are "bad at languages" whereas if they had stayed, in a matter of time they would speak french pretty darn well. Fuck fuck fuck.

I dunno. I was saying the other day that if there is a God up there who puts possible partners in my path, he is a really sneaky used car salesman. "See this model? Was only driven by a sweet young thing who never sped. Her daddy bought her a new car so she's giving this one up. Just for you today, you're so lucky you came by! It was used by her for 12 years with no problems. Yeah it needs new tires, but now that you know what the only problem is you can get it fixed, real easy!"

And then I have bought yet another lemon. Turns out that the previous driver was abusive, or the car was missing a few screws from the factory, or pretty much everything needs replacing. Or it can only be licensed in Europe. Or something.

Fuckity fuck.

Anyways, I WAS having a good day. I decided to make a cute drawing for my friend's baby shower (I did a sketch but still have to do the color piece)... thanks for the suggestions about colors etc. I did three loads of laundry. Rearranged things in a closet so I got all of my comic books in boxes stacked neatly away. Vacuumed, including behind the bed. Cleaned all the lotion out of old lotion bottles (when it gets low and the pump thingie won't pump it anymore) and put it into other nearly full bottles, dusted some furniture that had fluff balls. Even bought stuff for a salad for supper.

Now I'm not going to go out to "Back Alley Girls" which is some girls' dance party thingie tonight, since I went out last night. Instead I will draw some on the Far North book, then do the prezzie for my friend, and then to bed cuz I am supposed to go get the car for the baby shower at noon. EEEK!

Actually I just feel like crying. Now I am missing ob so much, the one who said I didn't need to feel insecure. The one who said she adored me. The one who wanted to be my contract negotiator and my lover, my fashion advisor and my co-kayaker, my gaypride bodyguard and my life partner. Every once in awhile I am still sad.

I don' t know how I can put so much energy into caring for people and end up with such messes.

later.

me

wenchie.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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