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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Dec. 20, 2003 - 12:13 a.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Bitter Pill is Necessary to Swallow

Here is my horoscope for Friday, December 19:

Your heart is pure, yet someone insists on doubting your intentions. Back away or be further misinterpreted. Certain things are obviously not meant to be. It's a bitter pill, but one that's necessary to swallow.

Wowza. I should print that out and have it dangling like a carrot in front of my eyes from a little headband. That sounds like the theme of my life, not the theme of Friday Dec19, 2003. Bejeepers.

The first time I clearly remember this happening is when I had my 6th birthday. When I was six, I was actually a bossy confident older sister type who was not self-conscious and shy. I was totally self-assured (except that I hid that I jerked off with my blankie and later my doll... there was some sexual weirdness going on, certainly since I had the measles or something, and had this one "owie" that was sort of over my pubic bone... I remember still the smell of the sterile bandage that ended up being put over it... it was embarrassing to go to the doctor with something that lay within the confines of my cotton panties!). I was a social success, as well as being strong and brave enough to push down and sit on each and every boy in Grade 1. I could already read, and was great at coloring and making things of playdough.

Anyways... projected party for turning 6 I believe. (though I could be wrong and I was turning 7). And one of my best friends was the youngest in a large Eastern European family with lots of kids and no money. I could see she was nervous about coming to my party, as of course we all know there are those social obligations of PREZZIES!! So I thought, I really want her to come, and not be worried about the prezzies part if she doesnt have enough money, and told her "it's ok, you don't need to bring a big present to my party". My Dad overheard, and instead of understanding my overriding desire to have my friend attend AND be at ease, he heard "bring me a prezzie". I got a huge lecture (in front of my friend) about how I was a selfish little girl who should be glad if she got any prezzies at all, let alone think about how big they would be.

I just remember feeling it was so unfair. So misunderstood and being yelled at and called selfish for thinking about someone else's feelings. Grrrr.

I am sure I am not the only one who has had this happen time and again. It is a horrible thing. Especially when one definitely could be greedy and selfish and is instead overruling that to be thoughtful and caring of others.

.......Now it is about a half hour later. I started to write this long thing explaining the interactions with a Top I got involved with two years ago, which were relevant, but it ended up in long drawn out play by play. Delete!!!

The long and the short of it is, that after we decided it wasnt going to work out, I tried to remain friends, and she kept asking for things like for me to visit her again in the states, to play (bdsm/ sexual stuff) with her (and her girlfriend) again at the Musicfest, to bring books that I owned to share with her, etc etc.

When we were actually together in person for the first time after a year of just phone friendliness, she was doing things like kissing me on the lips unexpectedly when I was wearing a "kiss me, I just did my workshift" button etc. Which sort of surprised me, since I had said to the previously mentioned suggestions, "we'll see".

When we met up at a bdsm party, I was expecting her to want me to be submissive towards her, since at parties she is TOP, and the previous year at the same party I had been submissive to her, which is when we met. I told her on arriving I didn't feel submissive. So we wouldn't have any run-ins.

Well, she told me "You have to work hard to be submissive" which is just a load of crap. If I am feeling submissive then I am submissive. If I'm not, i'm not. This is like feeling horny. Imagine someone telling you "you have to work hard to be horny". ????!!!! I said "no, I don't", but she felt like arguing. See how this fits into the above astrological statement? Anything I said that contradicted her, just made me LESS submissive. ack. So I conceded, but felt like it was agreeing to a lie about myself.

I suggested the next day that in order for us to get along the next night at another party, that I would not be submissive to her, but since she gets along with me great when I am, that we could agree to her giving me little tasks. Much like offering to help out the hostess at a non-bdsm party. Agreeing to slice the turkey at the table doesn't make you submissive, just helpful. So she agreed. Discussion ended in hugs and friendliness.

Later that night, I polished her boots for her, while she flipped through the books she had asked me to bring. I was happy that we were not having a clash of the wills, and she was happy with the boots.

But later when I told her best friend there that I was very happy with my having confronted the situation, thought up a solution, and enacted it, the friend, another Top, said "you did her boots for YOU, not for her", and made it sound like it was ME who was trying to manipulate HER into letting me be submissive to her still, as per our relationship, pre breakup. It was exactly the opposite of what was happening.

Somehow she construed it that I was not letting go of the relationship. That I was still breaking up with the Top, and bringing the books, and wanting to hang with her (yes, I wanted to spend some time with someone i had been phonefriends with for a year), and wanting to serve her. AAAGH!!

And somehow then the Top (did she talk with her friend about me?) who had had this perfectly fine 20 minute talk with me, culminating in the "i'll help you out at the party to everyone's better social ease" decision, decided that yes, i was a drama queen, needing to process everything, and was still not over her. ACK!!!!

She was the one inviting ME internationally still, the one asking ME to play with her and her girlfriend, the one kissing ME, the one asking ME to bring books to show her, and it is ME who is HANGING ON!! AGH and more AAAAGH!.

This situation has never been cleared up. I just stopped speaking to the Top or calling or sending emails. How it could go from having a great time where everything was talked out and fixed to me having ulteriour motives, I have no clue. I still don't understand. And I won't.

This same woman has said to me both "when you have a problem, don't talk about it with people, go directly to the person you have a problem with", and "if you have a problem with me, talk with other people, cuz I don't want to deal with any problems with you or talk about it".

Not a lot of space there for asking someone what the fuck's up. Yes, as the horoscope says:

Your heart is pure, yet someone insists on doubting your intentions. Back away or be further misinterpreted. Certain things are obviously not meant to be. It's a bitter pill, but one that's necessary to swallow.>/blockquote>

So much for a mutual friendship where we talked about flowers and plants, gardens and fixing things, people and just life in general. It was nice while it lasted. The stupid fuck. Certain things are obviously not meant to be.

The end. Remind me to print that out and hang it from a deelly bobber in front of my eyes.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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