Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Friday, Jul. 16, 2004 - 2:33 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
Avoiding Didn't Work
Damn damn damn.
I was feeling stressed that I don't really have enough money to pay a trip for my father to come here in October (i also had thought before I'd see him at the family reunion this month) and feeling bad about it. He seemed set on coming... said "well, i guess it's fine I don't go to the family reunion since I will see you in October anyways" and at that point I thought, yeah.
But I have been thinking. If I had $600 I should get the plumbing fixed and the front stairs fixed by people who are plumbers and ironworkers respectively.
Not to mention that I owe money on taxes, SHOULD be putting taxes away for next year so I don't get stuck in this, AND be paying in monthly into this RRSP shares plan, since the govt has restricted the lump sum payment yet again... last year I got caught not being able to pay in in Feb, so didn't get the deductions I needed.
Not to mention I am in the hole.
But I didn't want to be hasty. I thought, maybe some contract will come up that'll make me bucks.
I didn't want to say anything to dad.
And then tonight he calls tonight and says "hey, WestJet has a seat in Oct for $600.... I thought I'd just call you before I booked it". yeah. Remember he books it and I pay him.
So I had to spit it out. Dad I don't know if I can afford it. I am in the hole.
"You don't have to pay anything til October" he says,
Yeah, that's how I am broke now. Last year I bought tickets for travel to San Fran two months in advance. And I bought a ticket to TOKink for this September... "I have a year before i have to pay for the travel and hotel and all"... I gave postdated checks for my internet promo page, and postdated checks for my printed promo page, and postdated checks for my business insurance.
If I was poorer, I would be a classic case of the family that goes broke on the layaway plan. Buy Now and Pay Later!!
haha.
"I'll book it and you can pay in October" Dad says again. I remember this is the man who put all his money into a custom van for the family, and a huge house, then lost the custom van and had not enough $ to buy bottles of milk to drink in his huge house. Do not listen to Dad.
God, it would sound like me, except that he was hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt and I am less than ten thou and can easily get that much with one or two contracts (IFF they come in). He had a bidet, a huge whirlpool bathtub and sink in the master bedroom, two sinks and a huge bathtub on the main floor, and another half bath, for a house that had two adults and two kids. And a tv room, a games room, a parlour, a diningroom, a livingroom.
I have a 5foot by 7foot bathroom with no counter so you can see the pipes under the sink, and the wall is covered with mactac, the shelf is painted plywood.
I have tons of footwear (you can fill out the survey on footwear at onewetleg's) but most of it dates to 1992. I was thinking, why do my birkenstocks need resoling AGAIN?? and realized that the last time was in 1998. That's like 6 years eh.
I guess I am not as bad as Dad yet.
So, I told him I wanted him to come, and hoped it would happen, but can't make plans yet. I will keep that week in mind, and let him know asap if $ comes in suddenly.
Damn. I hate saying things like that to people. I am the queen of making people feel they are important to me, cuz they are. I hate disappointing people. If I say I will be at someone's dinner party, or drive with them across the country or invite them for coffee, I do it. Damn.
And ironically, this is the way I feel when this is the man who once told me that he couldn't drive 25 minutes into the city to see me when I'd travelled home for Xmas (6 hours in the plane) because they'd just gone in yesterday to get milk and didn't need to do the laundry for three more days, when I'd be gone. Yup, at 21 I was less pressing than a bottle of milk or dirty socks. The price of gas you know, for 50 miles.
But I am not that callous. I feel bad. I wish I had more $. But I am not willing to quickly zip myself into a complete and utter financial straightjacket at $600 per shot. Family reunion ticket Monday. Business insurance yesterday. Ticket for Dad here today.
mmm.
family.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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