Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004 - 3:37 a.m.

Egads. I cannot believe how long it took me to write up the first half of the dimmemories entry. Go and look at all the links for a trip down memory land.

Now I am stressed (ie a knot in my back and shoulders) and tired. Gll. I am SO bad at actually WORKING. Though last night I did do the sketches for my Spelling Book, and faxed them. I will TRY to be less argumentative about the changes they will want. Contracts vary from client to client. Some will make almost no comments. Some want major revisions cuz they didn't actually think before they ordered the drawings. And some, like this client, drive you crazy by writing ridiculous notes that you go "what??". Ie I had to "redraw" some sketches for this book already. The art director called and said "they want you to make the boy look the same in every drawing"... I said "but they already look the same, what is the discrepancy?" and he said "They all look the same to me as well, I don't know what to say, I am just passing on their comment". Well, what the HELL am I supposed to do, if *I* think they already look the same and the *art director* already thinks they look all the same? Grrr.

Here is another sketch that they made these comments about, and want me to revise it. 1)The arms and the hands look too feminine 2) make sure it looks like a black male gymnast.

male gymnast grade 4, Copyright 2004 Wench77

Now, can you tell me, wearing clothing that is ONLY worn by male gymnasts, and being a ten year old, and with dark curly hair, dark skin, how he can NOT look already like a black male gymnast?? I redrew his arms and hands, but frankly I am not sure that you can tell the difference between a boy and girl's hands at 10 yrs old. hmm. I await a month or four of this type of "revisions". sigh.

I had a pretty good day on Friday. I managed to get up and out of the house before 11:30 am, to walk the doggies and eat breakfast, and got to my library speaking engagement a half hour early.

I realize that it is SMALL things that get on my nerves. And ADULTS get on my nerves more than children. I actually expect them to not fuck up all kinds of little shit. What is WRONG with me?? Of course adults are going to have stupid things happen all the time.

The things that annoyed me. 1) they told me that I would be in another room that would be free, since the library itself was already taken, and could I arrive in advance to set up. Well it turns out that the room they wanted me to set up in was actually being used by a puppeteer and her musician, with a crowded room of children and parents, with no sign of winding down. They actually did not finish their play until five or ten minutes after I was supposed to start. The children I was to speak to had already arrived, and the puppeteers were still just finishing up, with the whole room draped in colored cloths, puppets, stage etc, and a whole slew of people putting coats on.

Yay for having me arrive early, so I'd be ready to greet the kids. Bizarrely, the woman in charge told me I could "set up in a room across the hall so I would be ready to start as soon as the room was empty". This is a non-sens... what I needed to do was lay my things out on a table. If I did that in a room across the hall, then I'd have to put them back in the box I transport them in, in order to lug them across the hall anyways. Stupid. OH well. So I had a group of kids milling around while I set up etc etc. Very badly organized.

2) I had asked that there be a member of their personnel to introduce me, and to say "thankyou, goodbye" that kind of thing. If not, while I am setting up, and then when I am done, all the kids are watching and waiting. There is no proper start or ending, and I never know if there is supposed to be something else in the room to entertain the people after me, or if I should say "thankyou for coming, please leave now"... after all, I am not in any way "au courant" of the day's activities. It is very disconcerting, and has happened to me before. People were coming into the room when I was done, and I had NO clue whether they were coming for something after me, or saw me there and thought i was starting or what. Anyways, I had made this clear to the woman on the phone, AND had it written into the contract. Basically she showed me where the room was (when it was full of the puppeteer people) and didn't come back til afterwards, when I had sort of gone "um, uh, I THINK it is over, well, my time is done, um well, I guess it's finished, I am not sure". Grrr.

3) Some water that I had been drinking had been spilled by some of the little boys. No problem, but when I told her and expected her to get something to clean it up, she said "oh, it'll dry up". Inevitably, while she was "helping"... ie shuffling my stuff around and looking lost, some books and papers ended up in the water on the table and were ruined. Grrr. Librarians should know that water on tables around books, papers and original artwork should be mopped up, not "left to dry".

4) I had asked her to put water in a jar I brought with me to wash my paintbrush out. She knew the jar was mine cuz I was in an empty room except for a table and an easel. Not even a shelf in sight. Afterwards, I asked if she could empty it as I was putting everything back in my box. She disappeared. And didn't reappear for like 15 minutes, sans jar. Very annoying. She was like "oh! I didnt know you wanted it back!" Grrr. So I had to follow her upstairs and wait for her to get it from god only knows where. I had used the jar to put all my pencils, paintbrushes, paperclips etc in, so wanted it back. Besides it being the actual jar I use in my studio. She acted like I was really weird.

And 5) I had sent both copies of the contract back to her as she requested, and I asked for a copy back. (usually that is why there are two copies... one for each signing party)... and she seemed totally flumoxed that I might want a copy of the contract that I signed. She was like "the City keeps the copies, they need both copies". Well, in that case they should sign 3 copies. After all it was my only proof that I was even hired to do that animation, and how much I was to be paid. She kept saying "the city will send your check, I dont' have your check here". Is she deaf and stupid? I asked for a copy of my signed contract. I didn't even breathe the word check. In my experience places send me a check in the mail in about a month after the appearance.

Anyways, those are really minor things, But I wanted to strangle her. It seemed that everything from parking (She gave me driving directions on the phone, and then when I arrived said "oh, you brought a car? it is almost impossible to park here, you'll have to search the side streets") to simply dumping out some water entailed major explanations, her being confused and fucking up. Give me a grade 2 student any time. AGH!

Anyways, you would never guess from that bitchy litany that I had a great time. The kids were fantastic. They totally listened, asked questions, made suggestions. It was so cool and fun. I mixed "skin colors" for them, out of red blue and yellow (I asked and they were totally clear on how to use those colors to get green and orange for instance)... I made colors for the Pakistani kids, and the black kids and the Asian kids, and me (there were very few white kids, which is a cool thing)... and they were quite attentive and impressed. And we drew dragons, and talked about doing research to draw a Japanese Dragon instead of let's say a "Prince Arthur's" Dragon.

I tried to make it clear that an illustrator needs to know how to draw, but also how to read, since it is the words that actually tell me what to draw, and how much lattitude i have. It went really well.

But I couldn't help but think what a fucking bitchy big sister I was. I fear that I would be patient with other people's kids and really bitchy at my own kids with high expectations. My Dad was rather like this with us. Sigh. Maybe it is because I was tired and it was early for me that I was so annoyed by that woman, but I think that if I was a single mom I would be tired all the time, and likely to want to strangle everyone who got on my nerves.

Ob used to say that people were so irritating when she didn't drink. Now I see why many people drink and do pot. gll.

Well, I don't think I have much more to say now that I've written all that. Blah blah blah. Well, I am going to read in bed a bit, instead of working on the Far North book. I am still really undecided whether I am making it too "realistic" or I should try to redraw it without looking so much at reference material for the birds and animals. I get too "tight" when I look at photos sometimes. Sigh. I still have about 4 pages to draw and the cover. Other than that the sketches are pretty much done.

I had all kinds of things to say about my state of mind (part of which is the thinking about wanting a kid vs not wanting a kid, thinking I'd be a good mom vs thinking what the fuck am I thinking I'd be a depressed stressed out mom), including really missing at little moments in the day having someone special in my life. How when I knew ob read this, I put more effort in to writing about events in the paper etc. And I feel the same way abou tthat as the Mom thing... I want to be seeing someone, and yet I think what a recipe for disaster.

Everytime I am doing ok in my life, and happy and single, I meet someone and get all off balance and gaga, and then I am happy and excited for a few months, it all falls apart, and it takes me ages to get back to point one. I imagine someone telling me they love me now and I think of ob saying "do you know how much I adore you?" and I think what the fuck. Who the hell will I believe?? I believed her. I trusted her. I thought I KNEW that she loved and accepted me and wanted me and would stand by me. It seemed built up over time, like people say. Not something I rushed into in a moment of infatuation. And yet again it ended up as a big zero. Not even zero. A big hole in the ground, with friends and acquaintances I liked before and was socially ok with now being a big negative. Not a step forward. Not standing still. Actually a negative total. So stupid, the whole "someone in my life" mess.

Can't live with it, can't live without it. Oh well. I think I'll go pack a hookah and look at wisps of smoke. I feel guilty for not working, and at the same time normally I would've gone to the bar. It is just it seems more obvious when I am sitting here at home and can see my drawing table. Oh well. nite nite. hugs

me, wenchie

Here is my horoscope for Saturday, April 24:

Your sign has never been known to walk away from a moment of passion -- and you won't be tempted to change that reputation today. You may, however, need to ruin dinner if just the right moment arises.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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