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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 5:19 a.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

I am a dweeb

I feel so, I don't know... unformed. Inexpert. I feel like I know just enough of many things to sound intelligent and sound informed and sound interesting but I dont know a damn thing. I feel like a fake. I feel like I am not dedicated enough to be a good artist or an illustrator who rises to the top of her business. I am not dedicated to bdsm to be a good top or a trained bottom... my emotions and fuckups in relationships and picking people get in the way. I read about people publishing books on their area of expertise, and I can only write nonscientific, autobiographical my life shit, cuz I have no training, and no depth of study and no followup. I am a lazy dabbler who twiddles around the board. I feel like a fraud with potential that has never been explored or realized. I listen to people talking about workshops they've given or performances in dance or theater, or movies they've made. So and So is directing now. So and so has tenure at such and such university. So and so has a 20 year marriage and two great kids. So and so has a doctorate, a fellowship, has developed a new department at a school. So and so has a black belt. So and so is an accomplished ballroom dancer.

I am a shallow person with too many interests, lots of undeveloped talents and too emotional which fucks me over. I have cats and a dog. If I were a bazillion times better I would be da Vinci, good in all. But instead I am the eternal wannabe.

Feeling insecure and down on myself. I am a dweeb.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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