listening tosilence cuz i'm typing like a maniac and crying and the cd has run out.

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 - 2:23 a.m.

(fourth entry of the day... i should listen to the cramps in my elbow that tell me i am typing way too much lately... secretaries elbow they call it maybe??)... go to OLDER to see other three...or use the "previous" button, eh... the one that says "previous meanderings" huh...

I did so many things wrong. And other things that I didnt do wrong, but maybe just werent right.

I told her she would still be lonely if I were her girlfriend. That was dumb. I didnt know then a year ago how I would feel a month or two months later. That I would travel two weeks, not one out of every month. that I might love san fran and walking next to the sea. that I would maybe want to have a second apartment in san fran..

that is another thing i told her.. that i dont want to live in san fran. And so she thought she would have to live in vermont to be together.

I maybe shouldve just taken her that night when i pinched her legs and she said "you are meaner than my mme," and "i'm all yours tonight'... maybe if I hadnt respected her relationship with her mme, and just gone for it, that she might have chosen me. But over and over i held back cuz it wasnt respectful of her mme. and so we did so much less than we could have, and i think she made some of her decision on that.

Maybe i shouldnt have helped her so much when she moved. Maybe when she stopped packing to sleep or to talk and drink with her friends, maybe I shouldve stopped too. Then maybe I wouldnt have gotten annoyed with her letting me do all the work. and maybe she wouldnt afterwards have said that I'd pick up the slack... which i guess is a bad thing. But at the time i saw it was an extraordinary situation and she was leaving her job and her friends and her hometown and her house and was overwhelmed, and since it wasnt my move, I WASNT overwhelmed.

***aside: I DID notice after a few episodes like this that my dearest ob was NOTICING that I was picking up slack. And you know what... I DONT indulge people who just want to be usin of my good nature. This can result in ugly power struggles where no one will do whatever it is that needs to be done: witness me refusing to help my brother out with his alotted dishes night... we pretty much were eating off of the floor by the time he broke down and did the (every goddamn one in the house) dishes. No, once I suss out someone I can definitely put my foot down if I think I'm being played for the pickup queen. No go. But she didnt keep me around long enuf to find that out. Dont mess with the helpful girl or she stops bein so helpful eh.*

Maybe I shouldnt have gotten so angry when she subbed when I was doing her ironing on the day before she started her job. Maybe she just felt like she could never do right even if she tried.

Maybe i shouldve tried harder to make some sort of relationship with her Mme, everytime people talk about such relationships of going out with someone's sub, it seems that the negotiations include everyone. I felt like I was the one visiting, the outsider, and felt that she shouldve invited us to all talk, or to take me into consideration... and I still think that is true. But I couldve said "lets all go out for dinner'. I dunno.. it was obvious from the Exiles night that I was not invited, nor even a consideration such as "would you like to come" or "would you like to meet us afterwards" or any such... whereas the roomates were. But still maybe it wouldve helped if I had been overly nice and suggested we make dinner for the Mme and her girlfriend. I dunno.

Or again, maybe that would be me again "picking up the slack". Cant win either way.

Maybe I shouldve accepted that the roomie go with us to all get our manicures done, instead of saying that is something ob and i do together. Maybe we shouldve gone with her to the beach instead of having dinner. Maybe then she wouldve felt less left out while i was there and less likely to ban me.

Maybe I shouldve stuck around anyways, and worked out getting another place to stay to continue to see ob in SF. No that is sort of crazy. But maybe now three months later things would have been worked out. I felt so disrespected but I know ob loved me.

Maybe I shouldnt have yelled at her on the phone when she chose her mme even if her mme wasnt making her happy.

I dont think she liked my house. I think she thought it was too cutesy. Part of my decorating is cutesy and the other part is wall plaques with knuckles slammed into it with real human hair. I certainly don't think i am too cutesy. But she said something about that, and I think she felt we didnt have the same aesthetic. But I loved her place, and I painted mylivingroom, and she inspired me, even the first time i visited, to decorate my entryway... and I think of that everytime i hang up all mystuff when i come in.... everything has a place and every hook on the wall is beautiful... iron animals and hooks on a peagreanyellowgold wall. with the red tassels from the Indian area of Berkeley. mmm.

I dont think I shouldve said that she reminded me of my grandmother who also was soft and ample... I think she felt insulted cuz a grandmother is not sexy. But my ob was sexy.. cant imagine my grandma fucking someone with a blade and a strapon. But also I loved her body, and tried to make her see that... and some of my earliest memories of feeling secure and loved were with my grandma who had a soft warm body who loved me. I thought she would understand... she loved her grandma so much, she did, ob.

Maybe i shouldnt have tried to get her to eat breakfast. Maybe i shouldnt have said anything about the drinking.

I dunno. But I think the drinking became a problem. I do.

She said "I havent laughed so hard in ages" she said, when she watched my video of my choir. That hurt me. Cuz I was very proud of having practiced for a whole year, and singing on stage, and the live show was so well received. And she just thought we were funny and dorky and the video was bad.

I wish she had seemed interested enough in my cassette tape of me being interviewed on Brave New Waves on the radio, which was a Big Thing for me. I dont think she listened to the whole thing. We were in the car. I think she changed it for music before it was over. I wish she had thought I was interesting enough to listen to. I felt inadequate.

I wish she had talked to me in the van on our way out west about her job worries. Mostly we werent that fun. It wasnt a very fun road trip. She didnt smile much and was in her head. I was mostly scared and sad. Scared that moving her there meant losing her to her mme. And funny, it did. Sad for the same reasons. I loved visiting her in Detroit.

But i also loved visiting her in SF. I loved her new apartment (though the dog was a pain, but I could tuff that til Sept, ditto the sister). I loved going shopping in SF, and going to restaurants, and getting her at work. I wouldve tuffed it out throught september, til she got the room properly to herself. I remember talking to the roomie after the roomie yelled at me (brave to do that when i was alone).. and telling her I wasnt going to give up ob. Not for some roomie and not for some mme.

But you have to give up someone who gives you up. yup. You can be loyal as you want, and pigheaded and reliable and there. But if the person doesnt want you then you are just a stupid stalker person who doesnt accept that you're not wanted. yup. Now i'm just sad and lonely and sound like some brokenhearted 13-yr old girl who lost her first boy. Stupid me.

Oh well, this is my diary and this is a diary outpouring. It is for me, and my snotty nose crying and not to elucidate and entertain the masses with cool pics and urls to click.

I'm going to stop this one now. That was just some things that go around in my head all day.

yup. and most specially when i walk the dog in the rain and when i try to sleep at 7am and it doesnt happen. yup.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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