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Music:Porcelain by Julia Fordham

Reading Today: Old html

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 - 11:57 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

One Year ago Today

November 13. Exactly one year from when ob put this into my website html:

!--delete everything below this note and contemplate the idea of being, er....my girlfriend. because I would be yours if you would only ask-

I didnt find it for a couple days, and then I was so thrilled and happy and excited. No one had asked to be my girlfrind since 1996. No one. I cried. I sent an email back copying that down, saying "how long has that been there?" and wrote... "would you please be my girlfriend".

And she wrote back that she had forgotten she'd written that. And it had been before I had said she'd still be alone and lonely in her town in the US if I were her girlfriend. Stupid me, I was trying to not give false hopes of sudden happiness. On the phone one day she had said she was all alone. And I said that if I was going out with her, she'd be just as much alone while I was here in Montreal. Dumb stupid me. I was just trying to get her to be realistic about it. I guess it worked too well.

I shot myself in the foot. Fortunately after months more of visits of fun and sex and great times and love and sharing, she said I was her girl and wanted to keep me in her life when she moved to SF. And I got stood up and dumped. And then she said she wanted to be my wife and life partner. And then I got stood up and dumped again.

and i keep thinking back to how she wrote this for me to find. And then forgot about it. So then when I got my hopes up and thought i knew her innermost desires I was chopped down and disappointed. Why do people do these things. I don't know. I just don't know.

It is better to be a good friend. Than to ask someone to marry you. And then when they say yes, say "oh, that was yesterday, now i've changed my mind, can we be friends". Funny how that is hurtful. Don't raise hopes if you don't plan to take it seriously.

One year ago today. Time goes so fast. I still am not a girlfriend and don't have a girlfriend. It makes me sad.

"I need, I need, another good friend, like I need, like I need, a hole in my head": Julia Fordham."Girlfriend"/Porcelain album

Actually that's not quite true. I need another good friend. But just not the people I want to have for partners. Unless they want to be both.

I'm going to walk the dog now. the 13th is over.

5:42 amMust get to sleep now. So much for bed at 4am. At least it is not 7 am yet. I just spent the last couple of hours working on a couple pages to start an infertility part of my website. I want to put in a bunch of ressources (books, websites etc) as well as something about the book project I would like to do: a book that would be sort of an emotional ressource for single women and lesbians who are infertile. Something like the book "Experiencing Infertility" by Debby Peoples and Harriette Royner Ferguson. That book was a sanity saver for me, validating my emotional ups and downs and despair at finding myself infertile and surrounded by incomprehension. But at the same time, it assumed heterosexuality, and usually partnership, in most instances. If you think it is the same, well, that is why a book is necessary. More on that later. But for now, if you like you can see the first page or two I've started.

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, November 13:
You want others to keep their distance. If you're lucky, maybe you'll get all the space you need. Remember this decision once you're tired of isolation and wonder why everyone is ignoring you.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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