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Music tonight: Cyndi Lauper

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003 - 4:22 a.m.

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Crying over spilled mangoes

This is the second entry tonight. The first, more fun and full of photos and drawings, is HERE

What the fuck is with me that I cannot hold onto a good mood for a whole evening? Here I am snotting on my drawings again.

Before I went for doggywalkies, I spoke with a guy about possible new contracts, which was good (the possible missed opportunity?). Then doggywalkies... what a BEAUTIFUL night! It had stopped raining, and everything was covered with a layer of thin ice... which doesnt usually happen when there are still flowers... which were beautiful in my front yard... hoping it will look that way at sunrise so I can get out my macro lense, but I suspect it is already melting. The street and the whole park is covered with a layer of yellow yellow leaves... not brown, not red, but freshly fallen yellow. And they have ice on them, so they are all crispy and crunch when you walk on them. Like walking on frosted flakes on the top of a gigantic sheet cake! With the light reflecting off them, the night was golden glowing, not dark. No wind, and still some leaves on the trees so they didnt look daunting and skeletonlike. Yellow glowing crispy sparkling with no wind. I held out my arms and danced around and laughed and played with my dog. A beautiful evening and I felt happy, and this is the way I wish people would see me.

When I came home I ordered pizza... a greek feta cheese and black olive one, and a smoked chicken one. yum yum... You see, I have eaten up every last crumb of precooked good food in my freezer! And i treated myself for finishing Bear. I hope they call me tomorrow with accolades.

And now, I have gotten 30 of the 55 drawings for the US colored in with greytones... I might be able to get another 5 done before I hit the sack. So that is good. AND got an email saying I didnt need to be at the bar to perform until 10pm so I MAY get most of them done before and can relax a bit.

So what's with the mood now??

Little things. Little things. Listening to Cyndi Lauper. It used to make me think of Kristina with a K dancing around the Women's Union in 1983 to "Girls just wanna have fun". Now it makes me think of ob. And how she bumped into Cyndi, who was her hero when she was young, last fall, when I first started to see her. Somehow she managed to let me think they had done something risque together. Well, I ended up spending bucks to go see her in concert cuz I felt kind of insecure about ob and Cyndi. SO silly I am. But now I think... if ob bumped into Cyndi she'd be all happy and sharing the fun memories she has of her. And if she bumped into me she probably wouldnt look me in the face and wouldnt speak to me. How did I arrive here? How can someone try to be so supportive and loving. To visit and be there when she is saying she loves me and misses me. When she is down and doesnt want to talk, I read poetry on the phone, and called and left nice messages on her machine. I helped her move all the way across the country, and stayed with her despite her moving away. And I end up with nothing but a mess.

All that "The Love you get is the Love you give"... that is a bunch of bullshit. I give love and support and caring and helping and I get shit from people. I get cheated on, lied to, silence, misinformation, double standards. I dont get it.

Someone says it is because i am too nice. I am NOT too nice. I put my foot down as soon as I feel taken advantage of. I tell people when I am angry or disappointed. I say what my expectations are. I am snarky and bitchy often enough that I am certainly not TOO nice. Fuck.

But it is funny. Because of an incident with someone, ob wont eat mangoes now. She is totally turned off to mangoes because of someone doing something icky with mangoes.

And I feel like now I have just too many mangoes. Pirates are my mangoes now. And vampires. Paddles and cuttings, slaves and owning, and sex, girls with tattoos on their arms, and full breasts, punkiness, the Twilight Zone,.... and now even Cyndi makes me cry. Too many mangoes.

How the fuck did this happen? Wasn't I always clear and up front? Wasn't I always trying to do the right thing not just for me, but for both of us?? Didn't I offer to step out of her life so she could do the Corncob/Mme thing? Yes. Didnt I offer to not go to fest so that she could do what she wished with whom she wanted, AND so there werent hard feelings and bad memories of breaking up there? I don't know anymore what more to do.

I was reading entries by calirox, such as this one about missing her friendand this one about the days after a breakup, and it made me cry and cry. These entries are just too much me. Thinking of ob as a friend. Hah! I think of her sexy dancing with me, making THOSE eyes, I think of fucking her, of sleeping with her breasts in my elbows. These are not friend thoughts. I am so sad. I will make a couple webpages on my site when I have time. One a page of reasons I miss ob/that she was important to me. Like "last time before ob someone called me their girlfriend: March 1997. Last time before ob someone took me dancing as their date: March 2002. Last time before ob that someone came from another country to visit just me: spring 1994. Last time before ob I fucked a girl: Sept 2001." And I will do another page called "Ex-appreciation"... where I will write what things my exes gave me. Like my UK girlfriend: she gave me the gift of smiling at strangers on the street and learning that they will smile back. That was a beautiful gift.

I want someone to hug. And not JUST someone to hug. I want the right person to hug. A best friend/lover who knows and loves me. Not a neighbor or a friend or a sweet acquaintance giving me a hug out of pity. No a hug from someone who wants my hug back. I am sad and lonely but still ok I guess. At least I have stopped listening to Annie Lennox "BARE" nonstop. That is heartening.

Funny things I have drawn today: the top of a remora's head, and a snapping turtle biting someone's toe. Well, I shall now go back to work...

Remember, if you haven't already, to go back and read today's previous entry, which is much more interesting I tell ya!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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