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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004 - 2:47 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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Nigerian Scammer Patsy Side of Da Wench

I dunno. Why does part of me still want to get married?

Some huge part of me lurking below the bi girl, the fetish girl, the independent girl, the infertile childless girl, the self-employed scared of dating let alone relationships girl, still hasn't gotten it. It wants someone to pledge everlasting love to til death do us part. Wants a wedding with mom and dad and family and friends. Not in a church, but at least in a nice backyard or something. Wants a partner and kids and vacations together, poring over travel plans, packing up the car to go to the beach or on a road trip.

It is so stupid. Just writing this makes me cry.

It is an achilles heel that assholes who want something from me can get me with. All it takes is looking deeply in my eyes and saying something like "I love you, I want to have a family with you" or "I love you, will you be my wife" or "I love you, I want to stay with you"... or "I want to make you a baby". It is so stupid. Half of me knows they are having me on, but the part that believes that the Nigerian Ex-whatever really IS going to put a million dollars into your bank account and give you half of it, believes that it COULD be true. And if I don't give it a chance then it certainly has no chance of being true so I should give it the best go I have.

I realize now how many times I have been wrong. Not that it is bad to be wrong about whether the relationship will work out. But wrong in thinking that the other person is giving it a serious go like I am.

When I think about it, I think ob was never really invested in me. She was invested in many other things and people, and wanting me to go along on her ride cuz she liked me and we had fun. But there was never any committment there, despite what she said.

And the one before that... apparently it was a joke and not serious.

And the one before that, well he took it back later and said "I never wanted that, YOU wanted that, and I tried to give you what you wanted"... much like ob I guess.

And the one before that... wrote me something about how I was some unexpected coincidence coming into his life and filling up that space that is just there and needs filling. Thanks. At least he had the good grace to say it was a sad thing when it ended (he fucked me over for someone else).

Ironically the only people who have wanted to commit to me seriously were seriously fucked... had parents who basically were estranged but still married, and seemed to use that as a partnership model. Do things apart, sleep with other people, no sex, whatever, its ok if you cannot even talk without fighting... cuz that's enough for a "forever". Not for me it isn't.

My first boyfriend when I was 16 wanted to marry me. I don't think we had anything in common except geographical proximity and teenage hormones (and very little clothes, being summer and all). I didn't want to get married at 15 going on 16 to a guy two years behind me in school. Silly me, what.

Whatever. Stupid me, writing this makes me cry.

Why does everyone seem to be having weddings and loves or whatever? SquirrelX just got married. Qira is marrying TurtleFaery. Misstress is trying to find time to get a marriage license. The cartoonist Alison Bechdel just married her girlfriend, and David Kelly the cartoonist just married his boyfriend. My friend l'Ecrivaine got married nearly a year ago to HER girlfriend.

Actually l'Ecrivaine is the one who suggested that I propose marriage to ob last summer, when ob wrote she wanted to be my "city wife my farm wife my life partner"... she said, well, go and just have a great time... give it another chance, and if it goes really well, propose to her on Sunday night and see if she's serious. What the hell, that way she can come up to Canada with you and you can be together and she'll be out of that rathole where you are not welcome and she is surrounded by people trying to tear you apart.

Hahahaha. Well, I DID write up a list of rights and responsibilities for both of us for a relationship... and book a time to get married (yes, I made sure it was cancellable... I told the woman I was giving a relationship a second go... since I thought that ob was getting cold feet since she couldn't see how we could be together... and didn't know if I'd even pop the question and if she would indeed just roll down laughing at me). It was at Crystal Wedding Chapel... and yeah i've mentioned that before....

But I googled it just now for said Misstress, who asked "why isn't there a Canadian Vegas? in her piece about getting married... and I said "there is.... see!!!".. Check em out.. .you can get a same-sex marriage (there are photos) or walked down the aisle by Elvis, you can get married in a city bus (done by a city bus driver) or your harley... the people are just the sweetest when you call, very helpful and understanding. They just think that people who love each other should be able to get hitched.

Well, reading her entry and googling that and yeah I was off.

Well, now it is hours later since my friend Seite called and we chatted while I reglued the four or five wooden chairs that have been giving me grief for the past 6 years of so. hehe. I don't believe in rushing things. :D

So, now the chairs are mostly glued... except the part I couldn't get together without bashing it with the hammer again... After I bashed the first leg successfully, I looked at my watch... and it was 4am BAD BAD BAD. I'm surprised my tenants didn't call the cops on me!! And here I thought chair gluing would be quiet... I had already elected not to vacuum, nor drill holes to put baby-proofing latches on the kitchen cupboards.

Well, I'm off to sleep now. I have one of the two obligatory garden chores to do tomorrow at 13h... if I don't go to two I lose the community garden... and all the other ones (except ONE other 13 h one in September) are 9am or 10 am. eek!

zzzz, a more interesting entry tomorrow I hope.

And thanks to Radiogurl for pointing out that the image in the missing bolt entry was missing. How appropriate. I shall go and fix it now. I really shouldn't post here when i am tired... I forget to check... if the image had shown up wonky I wouldve fixed it, but in fact I forgot there was supposed to be an image so the entry looked fine to me! eep!

Well, nite nite.

me, wenchie da bricoleuse

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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