Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Sept. 18, 2004 - 10:43 p.m.

Hehe, so Nancy liked the swim trunks photos (scroll down my entry to find the link at the end). I suspect she went on to look at the sheer thong underwear as well (scooped in front to fit better, with not too much material to bunch up between the buttocks yeah). hehe.

Well, I have decided NOT to go out tonight. It would be a good night to go out... theoretically several people I know are doing demos (of egg-laying whatever that means, and suspension bondage)... but by the time I got there they'd probably be over, which is why I say "theoretically"...

1:23 am Hmm, it is now hours later.

What happened? I have been filing images I took out of my reference files for the Far North book... yes, they were still in a pile on my desk. And I wonder why I feel there is more space to draw at the coffeeshop! And wow it takes a lot of time to file things in alphabetical order.

Here are some neighborhood photos for you:

In my neighborhood, manly looking men hold hands on the street.

	In my neighborhood people don't throw out full packs of sugar cuz they were on someone else's table or tray. In fact they fold over the top of the pack and put it back in the holder for the next person when they only use half the package.
In my neighborhood Claude de France is opening up next to the Hot Dog resto.
	In my neighborhood someone drives a car from 1968, with orange pompoms in the back window.

Egads I don't know what is wrong... the photos are all coming out in the wrong order in the entry. Ack. What is up with that?? I don't know. I shall ignore it.

What is on my mind today? Last night I had a dream where I and ob were in the same social space. We were being sort of nice and sort of testy at the same time. Then she stopped being all weird and horrid and became open and vulnerable and normal and said she was sorry and asked for my forgiveness. Which I extended to her, though my trust was not restored, and we hugged. I dunno, even in dreams it is nice to have some closure. It was a good dream and I woke up in a good mood.

Which didn't really last... when I looked at the time, nearly 2pm, I got into another panic funk about how I am not doing anything worthwhile, time is flying by. I am not teaching children art, or being a journalist or saving the world or whatever I think I should do. I don't know why I think I should save the world. I don't expect other children's illustrators to do anything more than illustrate children's books. But I expect myself to be the Next Nelson Mandela?? What is wrong with me?? I beat myself up for not having the diplomatic skills and people skills of the Next Nelson Mandela. But how many people are Nelson Mandela? Well, only he himself. We also have David Suzuki, and a few other luminaries, but why pressure myself? It is so weird.

Instead of changing the world I will endeavor to make better drawings, more artsy drawings, for the Dog Book. I guess I will call it the Dog Book from now on. It will be 32 pages color kids' book. Rather a sick and twisted one where the guy tries to kill the dog. Maybe I already said this. But I want it to be a GOOD book. I dunno. Maybe once again I am putting too much pressure.

I just feel like I have this time panic that time is going by and I am not accomplishing anything. It is hard just to be happy with doing the dishes and making all those quiches and soups. And yes, as someone pointed out in my comments, I WOULD have more space in my freezer if I canned those jars of soup instead of freezing them. To tell ya that truth, I am scared of not doing a proper job of canning, and going down in January to see a bunch of rotting food in cans, overflowing with food poisoning, so all my hard work is wasted. When it is frozen I know it is ok.

I really only feel comfortable canning jams, cuz there is so much sugar in them, they can't really go bad. I used to make peach jam. But I don't really eat jam, so it is kind of a waste of effort. I still have a selection of aged jam in my fridge from going out with TomatoHatingGirl in 1996. SHE ate jam for breakfast everyday. Me no. Too sweet. Like spreading candy on your toast.

Besides that, I got a cool note from a woman who runs a "Modern Modesty" Muslim women's clothing website... in case you are looking for modest modern clothing. I think it is a cool thing... she wants to make clothes that don't stick out as culturally different (ie identifiably Pakistani, or Afghan etc etc) in North America. She seems to do the sewing herself, giving you a range of fabrics and taking custom orders. She was quite supportive of me doing the hijab for a day thing, and I think that perhaps I will wear one for a week and write up the results. Then also maybe I'll do another week packing my softie and see what i come up with. That second idea as a reaction to the transman thingie.

I was thinking alot about the reasons for women to wear "modest" clothing... and I have decided that mostly I am closer to the "modest" ideal than the "modern" ideal... I don't wear heels or push up my tits or get implants. I eat well, and am interested in keeping my body in shape mostly so I can carry things about and not have backaches. I wear my hair in an ultimately boring cut, getting it done in the same style usually by the corner barber for $10. I wear incredibly dull clothes day to day that hopefully inspire men to speak to my head and not my tits.

So, what do I wear? A long duster coat with loose drawstringwaist pants? No, the ultimate invisible nonsexual outfit of tshirt or sweatshirt and 501 jeans. I usually wear Converse running shoes or black army style boots. When I wear shorts they are usually shapeless cotton things that don't display waist and hips, and come down to my knees. I don't shave my legs, and haven't been back to the tanning salon since just after breaking up with ob. I get called Sir not so rarely, which means I am not flaunting sexual indicators.

So, strangely enough, modern modest muslim ideals coincide with 1980's lesbian feminist ideals of being seen as a whole person, not a sexy object. Strange. I still fail to see why 501's and t-shirts or cotton sweaters are not enough to be "modest". And I am confused by the contradiction between Muslim ideals of modesty for women which include pants, and Christian ideals of modest for women, which exclude pants, since they are male attire. Weird. In China too, women wear pants. A long skirt on a swaying female figure can be as much of a sexual trigger as any jeans I'll tell ya.

I do also find it curious that they say that women are valued for their looks in Western Society, and men's status is elevated when they get a woman with those great looks.... and yet, if you have a headscarf and don't cover your face, your beauty is certainly going to show, or lack of it. I am sure that Muslim men want beautiful young women with lovely faces, not wrinkled plain or ugly women with crooked bad teeth and dull eyes. I really don't know of any culture where beauty is not upheld as a lovely thing.

OK, I am googling links for this entry, and discovered "Christian Women's Wrestling"... that is just weird.

And here for your edification are links to items about how Christian women should cover their heads.

ooo ooo, I can see that I am not in fact modest but NOT DRESSING LIKE A WOMAN, and thus not pleasing to God. But those who follow fashion are worse Christians. quote:

"a small neucleus of people called high fashion designers. There are only a few powerful enough to set the pace for all of us, but they are diabolically clever. It is in their work that new styles are born and when they appear the world rushes to follow them. A large portion of them are homosexuals. The products of their creative minds do us no good. A homosexual does not intend to flatter us his method is to ridicule women. The designers present their creations to us as high style. We buy them and wear them and suffer the consequences. Unfortunately, their aim is to make us look either ridiculous, ugly, sloppy, nude or masculine. All of these qualities are in direct contrast to God's standards for us."

Hmmm, I wonder where the whole "I'm into manly men" gay men come in, and the lipstick lesbians who look like women and want women who look like women. Here is one of many articles I found that associate "crossdressing" with sexual perversion. Apparently for many, it is more of an abomination in the eyes of the Christian God to be mistaken for the other gender (ie me in my 501's getting called "sir") than it is to be dressed somewhat immodestly as a woman. Dang. Oh well, back to the religious drawingboard.

I wonder what happens in the eyes of God or Allah if I pack WHILE wearing a headcovering?? Hmmm.

tah.

Me, wenchie

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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