Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

101 Things About Me

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Tuesday, May. 11, 2004 - 2:33 a.m.

(Read also my other entry tonight, with pretty flower pictures:Crying at Two Hayhem)

I wonder if she threw out... Ob told me she took a fit, a couple months before Christmas, and threw out my stuff.

I wonder if she threw out

• The collar I had engraved for her. I imagine so. I had asked her to keep it always, someplace safe. oh well.
• The book my mother gave me, "The Secret Life of Bees", and wrote to her wonderful daughter for her birthday (only a week before i lent it to ob)... actually I KNOW she threw that out. She said she felt bad she threw it.
• The book "Bastard Out of Carolina" by Dorothy Alison. I don't actually even remember if I lent it to her, or only wanted to. It was given to me by friends in the UK. You can't get the same version here.
• The rubber corset I bought her
• The Marys that travelled
• The hot water bottle holders I made for her, with flames and skull and crossbones. They were fuzzy.
• The velcro cockring with the "if lost, return to wench77" little kitty tag on it
• The Harpers magazine subscription for two years I bought her... hehe. she should still have a whole year left
• All the clippings of the war on Iraq when it started, from French newspapers I sent
• The copy of her favorite childhood book I ordered for her off the internet
• The photos of me in my domme outfit
• All the sexy photos I took for her
• The paperwork I gave her for when I booked a wedding for us... an elopement ceremony in Windsor, Ontario last August
• The personalized photo album to hold photos of her doing my toenails
• The enlargements of photos of me she asked for
• The bigger black dick
• The cassettes of my favorite music I made her
• The many many emails (I have 1000 we sent each other)
• The flame patterned wrap-around I bought for us to go to the sauna
• The boys underwear I sewed the garters on for her
• The "Canadian Money"... bills with sexy gay boys on it... that I bought her at a gag shop
• All the photos of the Marys
• All the photos of the Detroit burnt out houses we took together
• The cigar boxes I made for her to put photos in... one with collaged Jesus and flames, the other with collaged petals from my peony
• The souvenirs from when she came here to Montreal and we went to the St Joseph's Oratory
• The letters I wrote
• The Marketplace book "The Slave" that I lent her
• The red bathtowel she bought for me to use at her place
• The black lace thong that was mine
• All the photos she took of us together
• The big Jesus poster framed that we got in Dearborn
• The framed picture of my butt in the blue Christmas lights
• The foam mattress with my name on it that I gave her
• The wooden Mexican cross with little metal body parts nailed all over it in prayer
• The illustration board I left behind in her closet
• The copies of books I illustrated that I gave her
• The pasta book I bookmarked all the vegetarian recipes I wanted to make for her
• The kitchenware I bought to cook at her place
• The coffeetable book of Mary
• The tiny little fondue set
• The prints of blood from cutting my back
• The onions hugging postcard
• The Totally Hair Barbie which was a keepsake from someone I knew, and her clothes, and her motorcycle and little doggie

I suppose there is more that I wonder about at little moments on different days.

She said she had a fit and threw out my stuff. But I wonder if she threw out absolutely everything that I gave her or had to do with me.

The thing she cannot do is throw out the memories.

Or the people who know me.

Or me myself. I actually even know and hang with two of the people who did a benefit for her friend's cancer.

You can be mean to someone. You can stop calling or refuse to apologize. You can never speak of them. You can throw away all their stuff.

But you cannot change what happened.

And the future will go forward anyways.

That's just a fact.

Here is my horoscope for Monday, May 10:

Clear the air before it gets thicker. Tap your unused connections -- this is the time to learn why you still have those names and addresses in your book. Consider the value of group thinking.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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