Music today: Balthazar: mi volki
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Monday, Nov. 21, 2005 - 12:56 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
The Many Positions of my Mind
I swear. It is horrid.
Yes, I am doing all my gym exercises with the EXPRESS PURPOSE of MAYBE having SEX one day in the DISTANT future! hah! I was a very good girl and went to the gym today for the third time this week. Feels great. But I'm all, dang, I think my hips have seized up. Spread them hip joints. Wider wider.
Lift legs over head, one never knows.
And ack! Can I do ANYTHING without imagining something VIVIDLY??
We were at Lift legs over head, one never knows.
At this point we can imagine a great leg on shoulder insertion position.
A bit of bench press.
And lying down like that we can imagine a little missionary position, thinking how great his shoulders and arms would look. Heck, remember, he can do pushups with a 12 yr old kid lying on his back.
Lat pull downs.
ahhh. imagine glancing down to see the top of his head as he is buried in my bosoms (I dunno, which is hokier, bosoms or breasts or tits?)
Side leg lifts. Ahhh, a little side insertion from behind anyone?
Kneeling on all fours leg lifts for the butt. uhhuh yeah baby.
Military presses... hmmm. I don't look at all bad with my arms held back, all pinned down-like.
Now really, I wish I could say that this is confined to the gym.
It is NOT. It is ruining my concentration on EVERYTHING. I am eating in the restaurant and imagine breathing on my neck. I am supposed to be drawing and I close my eyes and imagine kissing. I am supposed to be cutting up beets to put in the freezer and I imagine him leaning behind me.
Goddamn.
I swear, it is way easier to have sex than to put up with this. Now we know why all those celibate priests rant on about the horrors of temptation. Egads. How in heaven's name could one live one's whole life like this? What sort of twisted person would chose that?
ack!!
OK, OK, I really gotta try to get some work done.
I have gotten pissshit done for work this weekend. I planned to be so productive.
Friday night I made borscht, stressed about artsyguy and rollerboy not showing up, sprayed plants in my studio for bugs, napped from 11pm-1am, vacuumed the house, picked up a bit.
Saturday I picked up my bike (new rear wheel, new brake pads and cables, new pedal mechanism, tuneup, yay!), walked the dog, had dinner with artsyguy and chatted, showed childhood photos, made out a wee bit (standing up), went to the Me*ow M*ix, saw lots of funky surrealistic cabaret, danced, went out for pizza with a friend and HER friend. HER friend lives in the boonies and we nixed her hitchhiking at 3:30 am, so she slept here, we chatted, I walked the dog, got to bed at 5am.
Today, went out to eat breakie since HER friend was still sleeping, did my comic page, shopped for food, did weights, made spaghetti sauce, walked dog, had a nap, three loads laundry, chopped beets, and here I am.
yikes.
1:12 am.
I gotta be up by 9am at latest: I am signing books with the Dog Books author at 11am at the book salon. Should be fun. Yay! At least I am not signing alone so if it is long and boring we can chat.
And then I HAVE to get some work done. Yikes! I wouldn't hire myself!
Though it has been nice having time to keep the house clean. And artsyguy, even though we are not exactly having a relationship, has prompted me not only to work on my saggy gut, but also wash the dog drool off the walls, sit up straight, clean the toilet and just in general try to be less of a slob (when I am not wasting all my time in frustrated sexual fantasies).
ack. One weird thing on the horizon today. I typed the start of my url for an old website I made back when I was together with, and breaking up with ob, into the url field at the top of a browser window. Now this puter has some wierd, often annoying tendency to keep everything in its memory. It is kind of like having a significant other who ALWAYS thinks they know what you are saying, and finishes your sentences before you have a time to complete a thought. This works in filling things in, like comments boxes... if I write 'we' it immediately fills in 'wench77' and also gives me possible choices of 'wenchie' and 'wenchagain'. Same for the email, and the http, AND amusingly, those blogspot spam blocker things where you have to type the letters you see into the little box. Well, as soon as you write 'c' it offers up every single other password starting with a c you have ever typed 'cvyfft' 'cggthv' 'ctzzyj' 'cpppdyr' and so on, despite the fact the whole point is that the letters are NEVER the same.
Weird little system. It is freaky to me when I have typed in some iffy url or username or password. I think that anyone using my computer, when going to use a browser window would start off with 'http://c" and my effin puter would offer "http://cuntjuice.com"? "http://cocksuckinggenderbenders.html"? Geesh, a little privacy please. And in the comments boxes I only have to type 'htt" and it will offer up the last three of my own websites I have left at comments here and there around the web. Frightening. Means that anyone using my puter could see instantly every single url I have ever signed off with.
OK, to the crux of the story. My old website is at geocities. So I type in 'geocities" and get no further than about ten possible geocities urls pop up. I scrolled down to what I thought was the right one, albeit very quickly, and got....
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AAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!KK!!!!!!
Ob's NEW WEBSITE since we broke up, dated copyright 2004, with her name scrolling along the bottom, her standing there and waving at us or something (the picture was very small... most of her torso and head on an inch tall pic), her trademark images and syntax.
AAAAACCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!
This is the first I have seen anything of hers for like 2 yrs except for the photos I have, and I was TOTALLY UNPREPARED. ack! Anyways, it was a bit funny seeing this white girl writing about her homies and stuff, I mean heck, she is a dyke who lives in San Fran, as far as I know, in her mid 30's. It was kinda like, omg, she was always kinda fun and funky , but dang, at 36 she's still actin like artsyguy's 12 yr old son but more so? Yo! Yo! Homeboy! Yo!
It was a weird weird thing. Not sure if she got back the same name for her website that she had four years ago that I got taken offline (she uploaded very explicit photos of me without permission), and it was in my puter when we changed over from the OS9.2 G3 mac to the OS10.2 G4 mac or what. But I was so not expecting it. I didn't even know she HAD a website now (though it shouldn't be a surprise). And let me tell you, it sort of threw this cold chill over my hormone horniness for a moment or three.
Now I can see why artsyguy is not so forthcoming with the flirting when his ex shows up at his place crying and cursing and throwing things on the table. It really is not good for the libido at all.
Anyways, i went on to click another url that my puter offered me, one that said something about paris, which I was sure wasn't mine, but now I was very curious. Is someone planting these things? geocities.paris.... well, it was her OLD OLD site that she had before she met me in 2002. Even wierder.
That was enough for me. I didn't try to find my own site by just typing in "geocities" and letting the computer memory fill in whatever it wanted, I used my bookmarks for my own site. Thank god it was MY face there.
But it was a little freaky. And I do not plan to return, and I did not and do not plan to click on any of the links on her opening page either. I do NOT need to see her, what she's up to, what sort of blackboyghettojargon she is using now (why isn't it hispanic now that she's in San Fran? maybe she's moved to Chicago?). I do NOT need to look at her face. That face I trusted and loved, and made love to. And was so betrayed and screwed around and hurt by.
So, that was my weird blast from the past today.
Anyone know how to get your puter to stop finishing your sentences? I would love that feature to disappear. (besides it makes me lazy. I don't think I even know HOW to type in my whole email addy anymore!)
nite nite folks!
:D
me
wenchie
(aaaaack! I just put a < b > down in the next blank space, and the puter filled in "Music today: < / b>" all by its little self! It is like having a ghost in the machine! aaaaaaghh!!)
Oh, here are a couple little links for ya:
"Dishonest Dubya" Lying Action Figure Doll
The Keep Your Jesus off my Penis video (adult language)
4:32 amYah, that says 4:32 am. Goddamn. In one hour or more I have not slept a wink. At 9pm, 11pm, 1am, 2am I was dead tired. And now all I can do is toss and turn and imagine doing lovely and rude things to artsyguy (when I am not imagining him doing lovely and rude things to me in turn, or in unison). Goddamn. I am NOT so surprised that I can't sleep though, since I normally go to bed around 5:30, not 3:30. oh well. So now I am going to do a couple memes I got from Radiogurl's place. Here we go:
| Your Eyes Should Be Green |
 What's hidden behind your eyes: A vivid inner world |
strange. No idea why I got that.
| You Are Lemon Meringue Pie |
 Those who like you have well refined tastes |
Hah, that is what Radiogurl got too.
OK, here is some truly wonky results. Hahahaha!!!
| You Are 80% "Average American" |
 You are not average since you've known your best friend for less than ten years. |
I am very glad to know that the average american supports affirmative action. I am somewhat heartened by that. My best friend I have known for nearly 7 years, but I have like a dozen or 2 dozen good friends whom I have had for 20 yrs or more. My best friend I had since 1984 just sort of vanished into thin air, left her partner, moved, whatever who knows, about this time of year in 2000. It was VERY DISCONCERTING to say the least. And so I did have her for more than 10 years. The weird thing about that question, is it doesn't ask how old you are. I guess if you're 18, you would have to have had your best friend since you are 8. But if you are 85, only since you are 75. Weird.
Some of the questions had absolutely zip to do with being american (like the McDonalds one. I live in a city in North America for heaven's sake. In CANADA. Even a totally weirdo would live within 3 miles of a McDonalds. Not something I chose to do. And I think most Canadians believe in affirmative action.
Anyways, not too impressed with that quiz, cuz it didn't seem to measure any sort of Americanness.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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