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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Nov. 27, 2003 - 6:35 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Sex Addict Survey Clarifications and Gender Issues

Hiya. I'm gonna write some stuff off the top of my head about my "sexaddict" survey. yup.

I have been getting some answers which betray interesting assumptions. One: that everybody likes sex. I get a lot of "who doesn't?" or "Duh!!" answers to the question "do you like sex?" Hmm, many people don't like sex. Some people have religious hangups about it, and feel dirty, guilty, uncomfortable and just icky about sex. Some people have been abused or raped, and so sex scares them, or makes them shut off and not feel anything. Some people are just really not so interested in sex. Like some people don't like sports or dancing or eating food. So it would be nice if people answered this question personally, such as "yes, I like sex" or "no, I don't, it freaks me out and makes me feel super self-conscious and like I don't do anything right", rather than "who doesn't", which really is just rhetorical and assumes it is a question everyone will answer the same way.

Two: masturbation It is fascinating how many people seem to think that masturbation is something you only do when you have no one to have sex with. Many many people masturbate cuz they know what they like, want physical stimulation/release without intimacy or relating to another person, or even because for instance they would like to do something sexual and their lover/partner is sleeping/ at work/ not horny that day. Yup. Some people even enjoy masturbating in front of their partner, and their partner enjoys watching them do it. So, it would be nice if people didn't assume that "duh, I've got a lover... NO!!" is a standard response!

Three: masturbation within a relationship If one partner masturbates, it does NOT mean that the other partner is absolutely shit in bed. I should know. My same partner who masturbated for upwards of 4 hours a day had great sex with me as well. Not a single soul has ever told me I am shit in bed. Nope. More the contrary. The same guy totally fucked me around and said "I didnt want to be with you anymore for several months", and I asked why he hadn't left me, and why he was still fucking me. His answer? Because I am sexy and good in bed. So there you go. The flip side of believing a partner will masturbate only if the other partner is absolutely shit in bed, is that if YOUR partner masturbates at any point in your relationship, you will beat yourself up and go "he thinks I am shit in bed, he doesnt love me anymore, he thinks I'm fat and ugly". No, it actually can mean absolutely nothing to do with you. And for the record, people, and esp men, fuck women they think are shit in bed, that they don't love, and that they think are fat and ugly. Why oh why do we think that someone thinks we are wonderful and attractive if they sleep with us? I don't know. I have totally been guilty of these sorts of thoughts too. very troublesome.

Four: Sexual addiction some people think that sex is a good thing, and therefore there is no such thing as sexual addiction. That the mere idea of sexual addiction is just a mindfuck shoved onto sex-positive people by sex-negative people. Other people answered the question by saying they think there IS such a thing since when they don't have sex, they feel withdrawal symptoms. Well, I am not addicted to food, or drinking water, but I do feel withdrawal symptoms when I don't get them.

I think personally that sex is usually a positive thing, but of course like anything else can be used as a weapon (rape, harassment, abuse etc), and also as an addiction. I think that sexual addiction could be posited if someone is not satisfied after sex and needs to compulsively, obsessively have more and more sex. I think that it could be posited if someone has sex to the detriment of their relationships, health, work and other goals.

Let's say someone spends hours calling telephone sex lines (ruining his finances), or masturbating, or even sleeping with many nice girls, compulsively so that they are not fulfilling their job requirements, having a social life or other hobbies, and lies about it and hides it. I would say that person has a problem. I have gone out with people like that. yup. Who have four girlfriends, and are lying to them, have unsafe sex, masturbate before and after sex with a lover, have sex anytime they are feeling bad instead of dealing with the problem (fuck the pain away), and have tons of anonymous sex instead of having any relationships.

I went out with someone like that, and I was interested, in writing this survey, if other people had experienced situations like this, and indeed whether they believe sex addiction (like alcohol addiction, or food addictions/disorders) exists and if they believe it does, what would a person have to exhibit as per behaviour for you to suspect they have it. hmmm.

_______

As for another of my surveys, Breakin Up... I want to clarify one of the questions too... I asked if Gender issues were ever an issue in your relationships. I think most everyone has no idea what I mean by this. I meant issues coming up over a difference in gender, vs a difference in age (previous question). It could be that you break up with guys cuz you feel they don't understand how women communicate. Or you have broken up with a woman because she felt you always had to be a "real man".

I personally have issues with lots of guys cuz they expect me to be a "real girl" whatever that is. While they might admire that I am handy with my hands, they would prefer I had to rely on them. One guy told me that I was the only woman he knew who owned power tools. Hey, I live alone. I need some power tools. Another guy would say loudly in front of other people either "you should dress in dresses more often" if I wasnt wearing a skirt, or "look how great she looks in a dress, shouldnt she dress like that more often?" when I was.

Enough statements or actions like that, and I would find it a reason to break up. Yes. Gender issues. mmm.

I could of course put another gender issue... I know several women whose butch girlfriends have started transitioning from female to male. I would call this a gender issue. And while they are supportive, they may not want to remain in a relationship with a man. Which of course is why they were going out with a woman to start with. mmm. More gender issues.

I don't know if that helps anyone see what I meant.

Well, I have to get ready for my flamenco.

Diaryland is dead... I assume everyone is off doing some family turkey shit. Here in Canada it is just a regular Thursday night, though after flamenco I will go to a fundraiser for a friend who is putting together a modern dance show. An incredible dancer and choreographer. mmm. A busy weekend this will be, coming up. Between now and christmas just stuff stuff stuff. Christmas parties and opening parties, shows and gettogethers. I must be careful to not overdo. Nope.

tah! til later!

me, dawench

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, November 27:

Move from feud to truce. For one day, everybody sits down together and politely avoids difficult subjects. After seeing someone's humanity, you're more likely to appreciate their point of view.

This must be an american thanksgiving type horoscope, since everyone is certainly not sitting down with ME today! :)

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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