Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Tuesday, May. 31, 2005 - 1:38 a.m.
Cost of the War in Iraq
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
second entry tonight.
People Who Support Me Adopting
(** means they have seen me at my worst. This means, depressed, upset, angry, obsessed with a breakup, despondent over not conceiving etc etc. There are a lot of ** since I am pretty out about my negative emotions and reactions)
- My therapist: suggested it before. Said I'd make a great mom. Wrote YOOUUUPPEEEE in an email back to me when I said I was considering it seriously. Has known me since 2001**
- My doctor: suggested it before. Suggested me being a foster parent when I saw her last year for my checkup. Was the one who did procedures and sent me to fertility specialists when I was attempting to get pregnant as a single woman since 1997. When asked if she thinks I need meds for depression or moods, answered no, you are well within the range of normal. **
- My mother: suggested it before. Totally supportive of me as a mother during my whole life. Allowed me to babysit from the age of 12 since I was levelheaded and responsible. Was happy and excited when I discussed adopting with her last week. **
- My best male friend: suggested it. Totally supportive of me as a mother since 1999 when I made his aquaintance. **
- Ok i will have to start on the pseudonyms: Bob, my ex from 1998. Suggested adoption. Actually asked me in 2002 to carry HIS child and be the mother (and he'd pay the costs)... bad idea since I'd be stuck dealing with him for life. Also, um, well, I'm infertile! hehe.**
- Jim best gay male friend: known me since 1982. Asked me to carry his child in 1985 (I said the first kid I had was MINE! hehe). Consented to be my sperm donor/father figure of choice in 1996. Pulled out after 8 months because of pressure from his male partner who didn't like the idea of him fathering a child with a woman. Still very positive about me being a mother.**
- Sue good lesbian friend: known me since 1983... the person I call for support when I am emotionally spinning out so has heard ALL my insecurities. Thinks I will be an excellent mom.
- Agatha good lesbian friend, met through bi group in 1993. Thinks I am good enough with kids to 1) offer to be my birthingpartner when I was trying to get pregnant, 2) let me pick up her daughter every week from school and care for her until 11pm while she was doing her phd (Agatha's phd, not the daughter's!) Another friend I call in times of duress and stress. Has heard it all. The one I called the night ob first stood me up.**
- Stella good straight friend. Met working together in 1986. Had a child last summer. Very encouraging that at our age (she is also 40ish) we can be great moms**
- Gretchen sister of my ex "Bob"... encouraging of me getting pregnant when I was inseminating in 1998, offered fertility drug hints, let me take her three children (aged 7, 9, 11 at the time) out for events alone even after I broke up with Bob. Still friendly with me 6 years after my breakup with Bob.
- Greg good friend from university (I had a thing for him in 1984-85). Now married with two small children. Very enthusiastic about me being a mom. Has seen me totally freaked out... he was the one who suggested I see a therapist when my brother committed suicide in 1989. **
- Suzanne good friend since we were best friends in grade 7 (age 11-12) Just lent me a pile of books on adoption. (and she doesn't even want kids!).**
- Mary good friend since we were classmates in university in 1984. We were roomates again in 1988-89. Married mother of two children (gave birth while I was trying to get pregnant in the 90's) ages 7 and 9. Very encouraging of me being a mother. Accepted to be a legal guardian of my birth child if I got pregnant, and now has consented to be a legal guardian of my adopted child if anything happens to me. **
- Harvey good friend since 1998. Offered in 2000 to give me sperm to help me get pregnant (with consent of his girlfriend, now wife) when it was so expensive for frozen sperm, cuz he and she discussed it and he said they couldn't think of anyone they knew who would be a better mother. **
- Justine a friend since about 1998, married mother of a 2 yr old: the ones who came over to visit last summer. Thinks I'm great with kids, cuz I could talk with adults and serve tea, while engaging with a two year old building with stacks of toys under my feet in the kitchen
- Sylvain: met as a coworker in 1987, good friend and confident since then. Adopted from China last month. Very encouraging and supportive.**
- Melissa Cousin, has known me since my birth. Married mother of two. Very supportive.
- Lisette My nextdoor neighbor since 1999, single parent of a 13 yr old boy. Helped me with the layout of my comic book. Thinks I am very responsible and organised.
- Harvey and Lulu Next door neighbors since 1999. Care for my cats when I travel. Are expecting their first baby. Very supportive.
- Christine Runs the lesbian mothers' association. Has known me since 1998.
- Nanette My father's sister (my aunt). Raised 8 kids, grandmother to a gadzillion. One of her daughters got pregnant in her early 20s and was a single mom (now of two). Has known me since my birth. I talk to her about difficult issues and family dynamics. Very supportive of me being a mom.
- Onewetleg Diaryland friend since 2003. Has hung out with me in San Fran, and spent one week living at my place last December: well placed to judge how I stick a complete stranger into my regular schedule, and what I do on a daily basis. Very supportive of me being a mom**
- Georgette good friend since 1998. Very supportive of me being a mom.
- Sylvie ex girlfriend from 1986. Wanted to be parents with me in 1986. Changed her own personal mind about being a parent, but has always said I'd be a great mom. She was adopted herself as an infant**
- Disappearing Boy ex-boyfriend from 1988, current flingette and good friend since 1988. Father of a 13 yr old girl, whom he raised at times as a single father (she now lives with the mother, but visits DB regularly). Very encouraging of me being a parent. **
- Rab ex from 2000. Offered to help me get pregnant. Father of a (then) 7 yr old girl, whom I met. The mother of his child was also supportive of me being a mom.**
- Barry British cartoonist friend and sob mate since 1993. Offered to help me get pregnant. Thinks I'd make a great mom.
- ob yes, ob. She said when she was with me that I'd make a great mom and she would make me a baby if she could. But who knows what she really thought about anything eh. **
- Richard acquaintance since 1992, friend since 1995. Has seen me through several bad breakups. Very encouraging of me being a mom. **
- Rachel My physiotherapist in 1999. Single mother and working woman herself, treating me for stress-related stuff. Very supportive of me being a mom.
- Rolande My dogsitter since 1996. Thinks I am a great dogmommy, thinks I'd be a great mother. She's a single working mom herself with a teenager now.
Well, off the top of my head like that, those are the people I can think of who know me well enough to have any sort of informed opinion about me parenting. I haven't discussed with my brother, but I want to ask him about his experiences being a non-white adopted child in a white family. And my father I am pretty sure he is in favour of anything that means he is a granddad. Dang eh. hmmm. But he likes to avoid the issue of me being bi, of me being infertile, indeed many many things. And interestingly anything he could accuse me of emotional/ stability/ communication-wise would be the exact things he does himself. And since he has had three bio kids, two adopted kids, two stepkids and says he wishes he'd had more kids, I don't think he considers himself to be a bad father. He'd therefore have a pretty hard time condemning me.
There are many incidental people in my life who are supportive, from the people at the coffeeshop I have frequented since 1995, the one I call "my livingroom" and where I go to eat poutine as tears run down my face when I am having an especially bad day, through to neighbors who invite me to see the grade 2 class they teach, teachers whose classes I go into to speak or teach art, neighbors with kids who invite me to see their kids' music shows. And all the people left right and center who said "but why don't you adopt?" when I was having difficulty conceiving from 1999 to present.
Who is NOT supportive of me having a child/ being a mother/ adopting. Um. The ditzbrain who left that comment last week in my diary.
Who is insecure about adopting and afraid of the variables, and the extra work of a special needs child (which all adopted children are considered to be, since they have lived minimum one attachment disruption, maximum fetal abuse with alcohol and drugs, disabilities, sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse and multiple attachment disruptions) ? Who feels that fear? ME!!! eeeeeek! A fear I did NOT feel whatsoever trying to get pregnant. I guess I felt more in control. I felt I could eat well, not drink/smoke/do drugs, get good prenatal care, chose my doctors and birth method as much as possible, be in charge of the bonding at birth and infancy etc., be there from the very start, ie from the first ultrasounds, in case anything was wrong with the baby. My baby, even if trisomic, even if having a congential condition, even if suffering problems at birth, could be put in the best care possible as soon as possible, and not languish in a foster home or orphanage or in other public care without proper medical care for the first days or years of its life.
So I guess I felt I could take care of things as they came along. And I was ten years younger. Dang eh. ahhhh.
OK, back to work. But I thought I would make a list of supportive people-in-the-know.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009