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Listening to: Patty Griffin "Living with Ghosts" sans cesse

Reading: papers papers all over the house

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Jan. 02, 2004 - 2:29 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

A Survey on 2003 to Procrastinate by

The Wench tries Guinness, copyright 2003 Wench77
OHMYGOD... it says Jan 2... where did Jan 1 go?? I have been stalling allllllll day, trying to get myself drawing drawing drawing on that doggie book I did the cover for. I have so far: taken a two hour nap after a ContactC for sinus cuz my head feels blocked up, walked the dog twice, forgotten to eat meals twice (oh yeah, i should eat more pizza... tummy is rumbling again), dealt with all the papers, dust and crap on my drawing table, dealt with the pile of crap on the floor where all ob's things were (well, her things in the manner of letters, cards, photos from her or things we did together)... that included tons of charity spamsnailmail and clouds of cat hair. Now there is clean(ish) empty floor. I can only say I moved the box of ob stuff into another room!... i did NOT do the garbage thing... not me. I also called a friend to wish them a belated (Dec24) birthday, and my Dad to thank him for the dvd which I got up and running.

And to further continue the procrastination I shall fill out this survey found on Ladolcevita3's diary entry. lalala... I SWEAR I will start this contract today... time is ticking... but first:

AN AMAZING SURVEY!

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

drove across the USA, danced flamenco, wore thighhigh boots, tasted Guinness, tasted Durian (urk!!), drank tapioca drink (urk again!), booked a wedding, cancelled a wedding, peed on the street in Toronto during the blackout, killed my lawn, tanned in a tanning salon, started an online diary, walked out on someone without speaking to them, well... actually not that much new in 2003... more of that in 2002.

The Wench tries Durian Tapioca Drink!!, copyright 2003 Wench77
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make any. No resolutions for new years. Resolutions are baby steps all year long.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmm, don't think so. One of my friends is due in May though.

4. Did anyone die that you know?

I dont think so... seems it was a slow year on the deaths front.

5. What places did you visit?

Toronto, Detroit, every place on the road between Detroit and San Francisco on the "loneliest highway in the world" (Denver,Co, Salina UT, Austin and Ely NV, and other assorted places).

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

A lover I can trust. A child in my life on a regular basis. The courage, time and money to start teaching art to kids.

7. What date(s) from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Various dates that I dont remember the numbers of: the time ob told me that she was down, not because she left her Mme, but because she had not chosen me. The day they started bombing Baghdad. The three days ob was here visiting me in Montreal. The day I gave ob her collar. The day I left a message on her machine to cheer her up, and it turned out that she AND her mme were sitting there listening to me. Too many good memorable days with ob to count that I will always remember in detail. The day that it went from wonderful relationship with a future to a horrid relationship with no future. The day of the big power outage across the US and Ontario which I experienced in a Greyhound bus. My 40th birthday. The three horrid days at Musicfest with ob, and also the horrid day I got home that I discovered the images of me she had uploaded. That pretty much covers my memorable days this year.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My gosh, it feels like a very uneventful year on the achievement scale. Not beating myself up more??

9. accidentally erased don't remember

well, ob threw out my video of my striptease, so that sort of counts. Several diaryland entries before they were saved. I learned my lesson. yup. Never trust diaryland entry forms.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I poked my eye on an old stem of Japanese knotweed, and tore the surface of my eye... had to get one stitch. It is fine now. Other than that I have been healthy as all heck, and my doctor said I'm so healthy I'm boring.

ob's collar, several times over, copyright 2003 Wench77
11. What was the best thing you bought?

Collar for ob with engraving.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

ob's cousin and her girlfriend, for driving me 5 hrs there, then herself 5 hours back, to the Musicfest on a day with power blackout. Totally unselfish and beyond the call of duty. Also the woman who gave me a ride back from Musicfest.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Ob, her roomate, her Mme, corncob. Also ob's previous downstairs neighbors, but ob and i agree on that. urk!! scary scary!

14. Where did most of your money go?

Travelling to be with ob. And long distance calls.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

You know what, not much of anything. Well, when it seemed that ob was not going to go to sf and we might go to Toronto or New Orleans in May instead. Other than that, everything was tinted with the fear of losing her when she moved to SF. Nothing on the personal or work front. It was not a very "exciting" year.

16. What bands/albums/songs will always remind you of 2003?

Peaches, Nomi Lamm, Annie Lennox "BARE", The Golden Palominos, 50 Cent

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

I don't think I am either. Last year I was happy to have ob love me but afraid of her going to SF. This year there is less happy and less sad right now.

ii. thinner or fatter?

Thinner by about 20 pounds. yay. I am a good weight now.

iii. richer or poorer?

Probably about the same, but more stressed about $ since I don't have any work coming up, and havent put $ away for taxes.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Had more sex. Topped ob more while I could. I wish we had travelled to Cuba. But there isn't a lot I wish I'd done more of. It was a very full year.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Crying and feeling very sad. Being angry at people who were supposed to be friends.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent xmas eve eating with Disappearing Boy, and Christmas day lounging around by myself. Very nice.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Perhaps ob, but more likely my friend Seite, since we both talk alot and we had a lot of personal dramas this year.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?

Yes, unfortunately.

23. How many one-night stands?

Not a one.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

I only watched tv during the iraq war. And a bit at ob's... some dating game, and another where they ask people on the streets questions. People are dumb. I would say the best tv I watched this year was the lifesaving "Oldies" channel, that had all shows I personally knew, like Happy Days, Betwitched, The Brady Bunch etc, that I found to watch for hours that horrible evening in SF when ob stood me up for the first time. I don't know how I wouldve gotten through that without long distance telephone and those oldies tv shows.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hmm, hate is a strong word. I already despised Bush. I now dislike ob's mme and corncob and the roomate immensely. And ob.... what a mess of contradictory emotions there!!!!

26. What was the best book you read?

I don't know if I can pick one "best". I enjoyed "lullaby" by Chuck Palahniuk, "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel, "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins, and "Confessions of a Knife" by Richard Selzer among others.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Flamenco dancing. also Peaches and 50 Cent

My 40th birthday cake, copyright 2003 Wench77
28. What did you want and get?

Renovated back balconies.

29. What did you want and not get?

A lover. A best friend.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

mmm, hard one again. funny, I feel my year went from Aug 2002-Aug 2003, not from Jan 2003-Jan 2004... I would say "Amelie" but I think that was in 2002. Maybe "Bowling for Columbine"

31. What did you do on your birthday?

I got a call from Charlie, and another from ob, attempting to be the first to call me on my 40th birthday! :) I wore a nice dress, paid myself a nice breakfast, worked all day, and Charlie brought over an angelfood cake in the evening. Then I worked some more. It was a good day. Many people called, or faxed or wrote me emails.

Well that is a strange question to end on. Seems like it wouldve ended on the "resolution" questions! hmm. It was the strangest year of hopes raised and dashed, good times shadowed by a fear of loss, fear of loss erased by reassurances, reassurances erased by slapintheface reality. Hmmm.

Very little advanced on the home front since I was always projecting making changes in order to be with ob. I really didnt settle into my house and life here this year until near the end of the year. I was constantly thinking "maybe I'll teach in SF, maybe I'll write a book, maybe I'll rent out my place to spend more time with ob, maybe she'll move here and I'll need to rearrange my living space... a very surfing on frothy waves year. I guess I could write that as an accomplishment. I surfed on frothy waves very well until the waves hit rocks. It is hard to deal with the rocks when you have been holding it together on top of waves for so long. Sigh.

One thing I think is that I am a survivor. I am perhaps overly emotionally sensitive, but at the same time I am a strong strong person who somehow manages to KNOW what is what even in the fog of self-doubting neurosis. Somehow even when I doubt, I can SEE what is up and how nutso others are being. Which is not so reassuring.

Sometimes I wish it was me who was more fucked up, and that I could actually count on others to be stable or sane, solid or there for me. Hahahaha! No happen. no. So in the end it seems like my emotional bummers and neurotic fears are just sort of indulgences I allow myself on the solid certainty of the fuckedupedness of life.

Yes, the random, fuckedupedness of fates, where the good guy doesnt always finish first OR last. And good people die beside bad people in earthquakes and car crashes. And all sides lose as often as one side winning, and certainly more often than all sides win.

You know I really wish I was paid to write this diary!! But then I suppose I'd be drawing doggies to procrastinate on writing here! Life is funny that way. The difference between work and play is obligation, not content. I know that, having lived it. yup. Well, gotta go find some links for the books I mentioned. tah!!

7:03 am Yes I'm still up. NO I haven't actually done any work on my contract. I did manage to clean up yet another pile on the floor however... which was a pile of free newsweeklies dating back to July, with little turned up page-bits where I had marked articles for removal. The good thing about waiting 6 months to remove said articles, is that I don't care anymore about perhaps half of them. The "keeps" pile was proportionally smaller. And a 8" tall stack of newspapers has hit the recycling bin, with the resultant empty floor space gleaming up at me now. Thankgod I decided to be productive if I was going to procrastinate.

I realize that today was January 1. The day that most businesses and people are totally shut down and not working. So I should conceivably not be stressing about working or not today. But I woke up this morning calculating the number of free work days between today and my due date of Jan 15, given that I will be going to Toronto to see Midori on Jan 10-11, that she is doing workshops that I have signed up for 3 nights out of the four possible Jan 13-17, and I am also supposed to go out this Sat nite, go skiing at my friend Yawn's on Sunday, and then the following week flamenco will start up again. AACK! Now you see why I was panicking.

I must say that I HAVE put myself into a "just ready to jump into the project" mood, with everything out and ready, the layouts done, reference material referenced etc. AND I looked through the three sample books I have of the series and they are not very intimidating... I should be able to ace this in two weeks. But still I stress. Cuz the main characters are dogs. That is a silly reason. But I feel less sure of different species of dogs than I do drawing people. Or one dog. No, many many dogs. sigh.

I have figured out that this contract could be done in a coffeeshop, since it is not unwieldy in size (letter size paper). So tomorrow I shall remove myself from my premises, with computer and piles of papers, laundry to do (I did two loads today) and checks to write. Just like I do with my cartooning. And I SHALL try to get all the sketches done by Monday... Tuesday at the latest. Wish me luck.

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, January 1:

Loved ones will forgive your excesses, but only for so long. If you get another chance, act as though it's your last one. Initiate two good habits for each bad one that you break.

Seems like I could've gotten a better horoscope for the start of the year. Hmm, my excesses. I have many. Another chance. What does that mean? When I get my last chance, all my excesses come out and then they are not forgiven. I apologize too much, love too much, try too hard etc etc. yup. And initiate two good habits for each bad one i break. Now that sounds like incentive not to break any bad habits if you ask me. I don't have time for all those good ones. Well, now I am off to fold the laundry littering my bed, smelling all cleanly like, so that I may slide my body between the fluffy flannellette sheets. Goodnight all, and hope you had an excellent holiday. (It has suddenly occured to me that tomorrow is the first shopping day since Wed, but is NOT the day all my editors, printers etc return to the shop... thank god in heaven ... and that is a saying, like geshundheit, not a belief I have, ok)...

best to you all, nite nite to me, hugs to myself, wenchie

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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