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Music Today: Christmas carols and afterwards, "Amelie" soundtrack

Reading today: instructions for dvd and handmixer

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Dec. 25, 2003 - 5:15 a.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Curried Chicken Casserole and Xmas Greetings from ob

Hmm, well Diaryland was down most of the afternoon and evening. Wow. Apparently cuz it's not busy, and they had some problems, they figured they'd fix it today. But like Onewetleg emailed me and said, what about those of us who were hoping to actually communicate with eachother through Diaryland because we are spending it alone?? I dunno. I guess you can't please everyone.

But I'm glad it's back on now.

I had a great day. I DID finally get my two checks from the US clients that were supposed to go in the mail last week. Yay! And I restrained myself from rushing to the far reaches of my neighborhood in the pouring rain to deposit them, as I am wont to do when they finally arrive. No, I figured, have a relaxed day and you can do that Monday. (interestingly enough someone informed me that Friday is not a holiday in the US like it is here in Canadaland... what the hell? No boxing day???)

So, no running around. Had a coffee at Café Toast Thé and did my shopping for the meal tonight and the other one on Friday with my friends.

On the menu for Friday:

Tunisian Pumpkin Soup, which has pumpkin, parsnips, apple and tomato juice, and then spices like cumin, nutmeg, cinnamon, paprika. And you swirl into it a "spice swirl" which has garlic, coriander, caraway seeds, cayenne, lemon juice all cooked together in olive oil. mmmyum!!!

North African Couscous Salad, which has couscous with dried apricots, carrots, lemon and orange peel, giner, cumin, coriander, cinnamon, lemon juice, red peppers, green peas and kalamata olives. Top with roasted pine nuts, dried currants and mint leaves.

Not Your Mother's Green Beans,... which has pine nuts, green onions and balsamic vinegar/olive oil on them.

and for dessert: fresh ripe pineapple tossed with passionfruit juice and fresh mint.

Hope that pleases everyone for a good vegetarian meal. I have only made the pumpkin soup before.

I was hoping to have the house cleaned up, tree decorated, food cooked before Disappearing Boy arrived at 8:30. I took a nap in the afternoon, so it didnt happen. Well, the food was cooked, but DB didn't arrive until after 9pm so I DID manage to get the floor vacuumed. I did the tree while he was here pouring wine.

Had a good meal, fun company, opened lots of prezzies from my parents. What a haul! I got two novels, a handheld mixer (ie to whip cream etc) which I really needed (I ran to the neighbor's last time I needed one), a hand-embroidered apron from Mom saying "Hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt", chocolate mints, a scarf and hat set and a dvd player (from Dad). Only hic is that my tv has only ONE place to plug things in the back that says antenna (you can plug a video player in there) whereas the illustrations in the pamphlet show three (video and l and r audio)... I'll have to see on Saturday if I can get an adapter. Hmm. technology. I WAS quite excited that I could actually look at the dvd that came with my Annie Lennox "Bare" cd.

So now I am enjoying the cd mom made me (she put old Three Dog Night on one side, and doubled the "Amelie" soundtrack I gave her for her birthday on the other side), drinking the leftover red wine and smoking my third charcoal on the hookah. And being happy that my emails are working again after being offline for a day, and Diaryland is back.

Tomorrow looks to be a great day of chocolate, leftovers, Corona and novels. mmm. laziness! On Friday I get back to drawing comics.

Other notable news of the day....

I got a "Merry Christmas" email from ob late tonight... ironically from an email addy called "medsmighthelpu"... which perhaps she opened expressly to email me from? which means what? meds may help me, or her? I would suggest the latter.

And yeah, the subject was "Merry Christmas" but the contents were 'let me make myself clear. Do not contact me in any way. Do not send emails, snail mail, or call me. Do not send emails, snail mail or call my parents, friends, family, Mme, or anything else. Stop all contact at once". mmm. fascinating.

Not the part about not contacting her. That is totally fine. And actually puts to peace any questions running through my mind as to do I send her a Christmas card (I send Christmas cards to most of my exes, either snailmail or email, and like I mentioned before, most of them do the same or send nice replies, AND another ex from 1991 phoned me and talked for about a half hour this evening. Not to mention Disappearing Boy coming for dinner and staying all evening. hmm.) And ends the questions of whether or not to phone her to wish her Merry Christmas, which I had been planning to do, and which was put into question only by the return of the parcel on Monday am.

No, the part about the friends and family. Her roomates I would not contact because they were totally bitch assholes to me. Her mme I wouldnt because I have nothing to say. But, I met ob at the Musicfest where I know most of the people she knows. Who does she define as a friend of hers? The ones who I have been corresponding with by email since they hung out with me those nights there when she stood me up?? The one whose hat I still have, who I snailmail with and who emailed me two days ago? Perhaps the woman who gave me a ride from Musicfest who was just an acquaintance of mine, whom until the moment of the ride offer I didn't even know was a friend and ex of ob's since she had neglected to tell me in our 9 months of intimacy. Hmm. The "my friends" thing is rather hard to define.

Not to mention that both the women she fucked me around for were people I was very amicable acquaintances with for about 6 years before I even met ob. I certainly don't want to speak with them anymore now, and that is a crying shame.

As for family. Hmm. Funnily enough her cousin is the one who was friend enough to invite me to visit Detroit in the first place, before I even really was into ob, and I have kept contact with her since... and she was nice enough to drive me to the Musicfest this year. I suppose because I had a mess with ob (and due to ob, not due to me, for instance being a psycho batterer or something, in which case I could understand her cousin dissing me), I am supposed to stop contact with her. Hello.

Let me think. Just about every limit I gave to ob, including ones that should just be obvious, and are actually illegal, such as scanning in intimate photos for someone else, was violated. Although I said I didnt want to Top her anymore and said I wanted my collar and toys back, and she said she accepted that, she didnt return my stuff cuz she unilaterally decided she wanted to "earn it back". She also sent me things and wrote me notes addressed to the name I only used when topping her despite what I had asked.

When I said I couldnt be her lover anymore til she got her life straightened out she said she respected that, and then continued to call me baby, and repeatedly asked me to have sex with her and gave me sexy lingerie.

When I said I didn't consent to her going into sub mode in front of me with no warning, she disrespected that.

When I wrote that I wanted back the things that belonged to me, she ignored that.

When I said I didnt want to travel across the states to get stuck at a Musicfest where she would be at every party, meal etc that I would be at if we were breaking up, she pleaded that I come, that she wanted to be my life partner. I gave limits... she not take dates with other people for those three days, and she totally ignored that.

She said she wanted those photos, and so I took the trouble to send them. It cost me time and bucks. And she sent them back... so she doesnt even respect what she asks for herself.

And then she wants me to stop talking to everyone she herself deems to be "hers" and I am supposed to respect that.

And so I wonder just exactly why in heavens name I am supposed to respect her wishes when she has given absolutely no thought, heart or consideration to respecting mine.

The funny thing is that she always said while we were together that if she could, she would make me a baby. Just imagine how cool it would be for her to make such a decree if there was a child involved. She is just goddamned lucky that I am infertile and she is a woman. For someone who can actually act like an adult in such situations, contrast Radiogirl's Christmas entry about her relationship with her exhusband.

She is also lucky I don't live in her city and frequent the same bdsm clubs as she does, and go to her gym, or work with her, as is the case with Sleepyzoe.

Some people seem to think the world revolves around what makes them comfortable. Other things arent important if it bothers them. Other peoples' comfort is not important. Other people's stated limits are not important. Negotiating or keeping promises are not important. Getting along is not important. Communicating, or even tolerating is not important. Being amicable or respecting ties other people have independently is not important. No. I want i want i want i want i want i want. Then i dont want i dont want i dont want i dont want i dont want.

Hmm. All I can say is good riddance. It was fun while it lasted. Thank god it blew up when it did. Thank god I didnt spend another five years with someone intertwining friends and family and lives before I discover how they are fucking me around for someone else (and I discover it had been happening from the start... you know that I had labelled in my agenda book "Perfect Day": the day we took the intimate photos she scanned for her future lover ... if only I had known that mere weeks later she would abuse them). THEN they send me a "merry christmas, do not have any contact with MY friends, MY family, My My My".

What do i regret? Right now, not having totally slugged her across the face when she said "if you hit me I will never talk to you again". Because she deserved it. Absolutely and completely deserved it. And the end result is exactly the same.

So, write that one off as a loss. Perhaps she will go on meds. And find out why she tells people she wants them to be their girlfriend, and then tell them she cant. Find out why she takes photos of sex with one lover and while she is saying I LOVE YOU, sends those photos by email to someone else she has the hots for, without permission. (hehe, see the irony of her saying "don't email my friends"? If I had her morals, I would right now be using the naked photos I have of her in bed to write fantasies to people who she was friendly with the past 6 years in order to suck up to them.) Asks someone to stay 4 days more in another city and then stands them up for someone else she has the hots for. Tells someone that they are her priority in her home life, and then as soon as the roomie has problems, goes, oh sorry, I guess you can't use that plane ticket to visit. Tells someone that they can work fulltime out of her home and then dump all responsibility for alternate solutions when the roomate says no.

Tells someone they are HER GIRL and incites them to rent out the rooms they were going to open their dream art school in order to have enough money to have a longdistance relationship, and then NOT A WEEK later stands them up for someone else. And then after standing them up, cries and begs and pleads it was the WORST MISTAKE of HER LIFE, and after a month of thought (and me not contacting her, ironies of ironies), says I MISS YOU I MISS YOU I MISS YOU, you are THE ONE, my life partner, I want you back. Only to abandon them completely for someone else as soon as international travel is instigated, paid for and undertaken.

Maybe if she goes on meds she will find out why she does bdsm play with people she has to drink many drinks before the date in order to do it. Find out why she wants to be owned by someone who doesnt fulfil her needs and that she has difficulty being honest to. Find out why she disrespects the one she supposedly is owned by, by giving herself away "I'm all yours tonight" without permission. Find out why she lets her bdsm partners put down her girlfriend right in front of her face without standing up for her.

Find out why when someone says to her "you obviously need to be doing something else than be with me right now, we'll end this now as friends" she can't accept that but fucks around the other person so much that in the end her final Christmas Message is "dont ever contact me or anyone I know"

Find out why she begs for a second chance then throws it out the window. Find out why she begs, yes begs, for someone to stay in her life, and then betrays them instead of just breaking up. Find out why she makes promises over and over that she cannot keep, and then yells at people when she breaks her promises. Find out why she deals with her problems by drinking. Find out why she begs for more and more attention even once she has betrayed you "help me with my makeup, please fuck me, help me get dressed, read me a story, wait for me tonight after my date" Find out why she wants to be the best when she doesnt follow through, and it is not just me she doesn't follow through with. I have it on very good authority. Offer and withdraw. If you are refused sex with one person, fuck their girlfriend. etc etc. "Starfucker" it turns out her nickname is...gee, another reason why I shouldn't talk with "her friends"... look at the nastiness I didn't know about that they tell me!!

Yes, I guess "medsmighthelpu" is an excellent new email addy.

And I think that the package returning and the Merry Christmas email are excellent Christmas presents. It has helped remind me, as JL says, just how incredibly nasty she was to me. And how incredibly fucked up she really really is. I guess once I stopped being angry at her, I got into sympathy and even empathy. Hmm. That's silly. She really really really fucked me over.

Hehe, just had a thought... if I had acted like that, I wouldnt want the person who fucked me around contacting anyone I knew either. I would hope like hell for that damage control. Too late baby too late. Already your friends were there to witness your assholedness at Musicfest and afterwards. Already your family knows you were a complete and utter fuckup. Too late baby too late.

The time to put decrees is not when your ex is feeling nicely towards you and planning to call you for Christmas. That would be the time to say, gee, thanks for not being horridly mean to me in the past 4 months, but actually keeping means of contact open. I appreciate it!! Merry Christmas.

No.The time would have been when she is so angry at being mistreated repeatedly that she is not speaking to you. And all your friends, exlovers and family have to bail her out because you've begged her to come into YOUR space, so when you fuck her around she is not in HER city with Her friends. Or even her country. One of ob's friends said "how many personalities does that girl have anyways?" another of her exes said "she is abusing herself and she is abusing you" and told me the ways she'd been fucked around by her. All that was 4 months ago. I guess I really needed to remember that.

--------------------------------------------------------

It was good to write that. I was shaking when I got that email. I just felt sort of relieved about not worrying about if I got her roomate or something when I called to wish Merry Christmas. But my body was cold and shaking. Unconscious I guess.

And now I feel better. Back to our previously scheduled very pleasant Christmas. And I AM happy to say I dont feel lonely and unloved. Both dinners I am having at my house were instigated by others I've known for over 10 years who repeatedly called me to get together. My Mom called and my Dad sent prezzies on time for the first time in years. Motorcycle Boy called me, and many other friends have emailed or called. (and HI!!! to Onewetleg! :)I am having a nice time feeling and feeling thought about and cared about.

And you gotta admit. Even ob thought about me. hehe. Took the time to write an email, and even title it "Merry Christmas" on her busy Christmas eve.

Happy holidays to everyone. If you're feeling lonely, write me a comment or send me an email... I'm around and will reply, if not immediately, then within the next few hours. Big hugs and cheer to all!!

:)Love Me! Wenchie!!

My therapist is right... I did my best. I damnwell did.

PS: If you're from the Bay area and use Web TV, perhaps you'd like to leave a comment and say who you are sometime or stop reading my diary religiously. That would perhaps be a bit less hypocritical non??? quote from today's stats:"23:14:26 - netcache-3004.bay.webtv.net" "23:13:52 - netcache-3001.bay.webtv.net" I'm not stupid you know. You once said you admired me and I said well, I'd like to admire you too. Work on it, and get back to me.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

 

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