music today: actually, none. I put on Nomi Lamm, which now reminds me of the Na'Li page everytime I hear it, instead

Reading today: Journal de Montreal about how inmates can make weapons out of absolutely anything, displaying gre

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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2003-09-03 - 7:29 p.m.

I really am going to have to get out of denial and realise that YES, IT REALLY IS THAT LATE!!! It feels earlier than it is... time slides by slides by.

I am reading the diary of someone called "owcowkee"... a blonde yungun (21 I think). It just makes me miss ob more. Trying not to find an excuse to call. Very hard. So funny how before when I left in June, she kept writing me emails saying "i'm not strong and mature like you... I can't help writing"... haha. It was just that i wrote all the time in a notebook when I missed her, instead of sending an email. I filled two whole notebooks in about 2 weeks.

Everyday will pass by, and eventually I will care less.

I say this and yet, I still miss my best friend Carol, and she has been disappeared now for 3 years, and two years sort of estrangement before that. I still want to call up all the school boards and see if I can find her. Silly me. She might have moved to Toronto, or Tucson or Toledo in Spain. Her name is too common to find, and she has a tendency to hide under other people's leases, telephone bills, etc. Hard to track.

So, if I still miss Carol so much, and still think about Kristina that I was so influenced by in 1983, and whom I havent seen since 1987 or so, how can i imagine that I will stop missing ob, when she was so important for me? I still miss David and I havent seen him since 1991. I have to admit I absolutely HATE HATE HATE people that I love to step out of my life. Even if they have screwed me around, even if they treat me badly once, twice, several times. I miss them, their quirks, their smile, our relationship, the fun, the comraderie, the love. Sad sad sad.

WHY do good friends pack up and move away? I feel sometimes like a tree growing solidly into the hillside, and then the hillside gives away, and my roots are sticking out into the air, and I am going "where did my security go?" "I trusted you to support me!" "we were great together!!". aaagh.

Now I am trying to find the energy to chop up peaches (which are now maybe too overripe to freeze... must check and see), before I go walk doggies.

I forgot to watch the movie I rented last night, something called "Bully". I'll try to remember tonight. Maybe move the tv into the livingroom, lounge on the Indian couch and smoke the hookah. buzzbuzz.

Off for now... later.

4:00am WEll, I just realised that my dates of my diaries are all screwed up since I usually write in the afternoon and then in the late night... So, most people when they write something on Sept 3 for instance, would be starting their day. But me, my first Sept 3 entry would be the nite of Sept 2, ie end of my day, and then next entry would also be Sept 3, but at let's say 2pm... a new day. Gee. The trials of being a nite owl.

Plans going up and down... planned to sing with Ron last nite, was cancelled. Then Airlyne this aft, which was cancelled. Then Ron called me tonite, so I went over. We worked on "Hello Dolly" and "Me and my Shadow" which is slow and very nice notes. WIsh I had a piano. I can find the notes, but painfully slowly picking them out. If i had a piano (i imagine in my fantasy) I would be able to play the songs, and soon would read music again well. uhhuh. I hope he thought it went well... i am so amateur at singing with someone, reading music etc. He wants to get regular gigs... scary! I mean, like with an audience,and getting PAID!! eeek! I just have to jump in and I'm sure I will be stressed out the first time or two and get over it and then have fun. Hard to sing nicely when your voice is all squeeky from stress and stagefright!! Being one of a choir is NOT the same as being the only singer with a pianoman!!!

I am glad to say I got my peaches in the freezer. I put lemon juice instead of the called for ascorbic acid, and all seems to have gone well. Though it is weird to put them up in sugar... i use so little sugar in my diet really.

Tonight looking at rosaries again on ebay.ca, and also looking up links for "betrayal" and "barren" for my website.

Other new things: I signed up for a vocal empowerment class on next Sat and Sun 11-2 (eek, early!!) with Kathy Kennedy of choeur maha. And I found out that the flamenco classes cost $220 for 10 weeks. Scary. Not sure I want to pay that. I have til tonight to decide.

I will look into straight razors tomorrow on way to therapists, and also look into getting a tattoo on my head at Tattomania... an onion behind my right ear. oh betrayal betrayal betrayal.

off to bed with me now. zzzzz still didnt watch the movie i rented yesterday. I shouldve stuck with nothing when they didnt have "bowling for columbine" available which is what i really wanted to watch.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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