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Music50Cent:" in da hood"yo shorty... cry and cry.

Reading no time for reading.. just Ripley's believe it or not entries.

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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2003-09-07 - 8:44 p.m.

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Yo Shorty, itsya Birtday

Another day. Another weekend. Weeks and weekends are so theoretical for me.

Didnt get much drawing work done, though I have worked on all my preliminary stuff: cut out paper, trace drawing templates, pasteup reference images onto photoshop documents. In fact, i lost a lot of work time today because my computer memory was running out and i had to download a ton of files to cds so I could lighten it up abit. Time time time.

I have no desire whatsoever to work. I have desire to have the time somewhere to work, but I am overwhelmed by end-of-relationship, figuring-things-out energy and creativity. i alternate between wanting to do something creative with insights i have into my situation and myself (in what ways, for instance, am I a betrayer? I suspect in telling my story, which of course includes revealing "what they did to me"... ie the other person's story, to to many people. This is a need for validation of course. I do the same thing when asking opinions of my situations in relationships, instead of relying on what I feel and understand. This ends up being a lack of safespace for the person I want to be a friend/lover/partner. My version of "making myself feel better" or insecurity and self-esteem issues. When what is inside me isnt enough, and i run from person to person indescriminately trying to have support and validation. Yes, that ends up being betrayal in a sense.

Ironically it is this very openness and ability to share personal private things that often attracts people to me who have privacy issues and shame issues. They admire that I am out there and call it like it is. But then when i have problems with them, they want the secrecy and the lack of judgment.

Well, I have lots more insights like that about me and this whole pc mess lately, but not the time to work it all out. aaagh. it is so much more important than drawing bears etc. But i must sing for my dinner like everyone else.

Last night i called ob for her birthday. After all kinds of thoughts, rationalizing, second guessing etc. But my gut feeling of who i am is to call and wish nice things for a birthday... it is the day the person came into the world, and you are appreciative that that happened. That they are in the world for you to know them. Or for them just to be. Birthdays are important and validating. They need to be celebrated, or at least positively acknowledged...

So, N said not to call, to leave it til Christmas. But Christmas is celebrating Christ, not the person you are thinking of. So i called. And got an answer on about the 4th try. And I just said happy birthday tomorrow, and take care of yourself. And she said "that's nice" in a nice tone of voice, and so i felt good. I felt happy to have not remained vindictive (fuck you as if you deseve a good birthday you were mean to me), or withholding (you'll get a happy birthday AFTER you do something nice for me) or isolating (go away i wont talk to you) or preachy or angry. It was a good thing to do and I am glad.

Today feeling fine, just superstressed about a busy busy week coming up, with a workshop to speak to kids in schools about homosexuality, practice singing with R, flamenco class, therapy, butch nite at leather bar (my idea i gotta go), and voice empowerment class. aaagh. Now i have too much work... and the garden is languishing... no garden's dont languish.. they grow and grow and produce veggies that then rot, and get choked by weeds, which again is growing. But they dont languish!! maybe in the sun with no water they do.

Agh. and veggies in the shops from the countryside, i should be cooking and putting food in the freezer to help my diet and budget all winter.

At least i got all the photo research done i needed... and now waiting for N to drop by for icecream... i had hoped to have 10 drawings done by now, not just my photoresearch.. but it was a good place to stop, and resume with actual drawing after doggiewalkies and ice cream.

And while working, put on 50 Cents... and of course that song in the hood "yo shorty, itsya birthday" just made me cry my guts out cry and cry and cry. I want to be with my girl, boi, ob on her birthday. and that song reminds me of her teasing me and loving me and times shared together at her house. Of me working at her table while she was at work all day, and listening to the radio. Of lying in bed holding her while we watched the movie 8 Mile

I wish Detroit had never ended. I wish her fucking ma'am had dropped dead, or moved to China for her career, or called ob and said that they were finished. Anything. So that it wasnt that whole move, that whole mess of me not fitting in with her housemates, her ma'am, her job, all that is SF that rejects me being there, like I am the sugar in the gas tank. She wouldve been sad, but at least she would have stopped being torn apart, and we could be together and work on us, our relationships, our lives. Now it is just all a fucking mess.

I am so so so so sad. I have never felt as relaxed and myself with anyone in my whole life. Not friends, not lovers, not best friends. I have never had such an equal feeling relationship (at least until end of Detroit... at which time all her fears and insecurities started acting up). Just being ourselves. All the times i was sad, it was always when Sf was tugging, or the ma'am called and everything was erased in a few words. What a fucking mess. So so so so sad. But i would have to be in denial to not notice that she unchose me over and over.

Well, i will stop writing for now. Go on with life. Hopefully N will arrive soon. Tired from crying.. i just want to watch a video and cuddle in bed by myself. But must work like a proper disciplined worker for at least the next week. oh help.

2:41 am

Sad is such an ineffectual word. I dont know what to say. Trying hard to work, and just wracked with crying. I feel like you see toddlers look... bereft like they will never be happy again. It is stupid because of course i know i will be, and in fact just this afternoon couldnt imagine myself being really depressed again... feeling strong and creative. Now i just want to rock back and forth and cry. And this makes me cry harder, since ob said she wanted to hold me and rock back and forth for our grief of missing and the mistakes that make breaking up, because she wants me still. I dont know if I have ever been really loved. When has someone gone beyond the initial besmitten stage with me and loved me. I am so so so sad. It is hard to stay out of the "what is wrong with me that no one loves me" vein. A voice says, "people love you". oh yes, but they love someone else more, or they love me not enough. But they dont want me, to be with me, to stay with me. Or if they want to stay with me, they dont like me enough to actually BE THERE even though they are "there" ie committed to staying. Not there in body or soul. Off having coffee, or helping their mother, or moving to be closer to someone who is not me. Or in body but off in their head, or off in their problems, or off thinking of someone else.

I miss so so much pc. Just being there. Trusting her. "you never have to be insecure with me" she said... and no matter what she did, she was there. But not once she went to SF. That "i promise to make the road trip fun"... but from the time I arrived in Detroit that May, she was not there. Not packing. Not engaging. Not there most of the time in the car. Not there in the hotel room. Not much fun. Did we laugh on that trip? The beginning of the end. Sad sad sad.

So hard to work. what do people do during divorces? They do like my bathroom renovation contractor... not show up, be flaky though they have a good reputation. I am behind in my work. I am behind. And i just want to cry and cry and cry. And I feel like a lost toddler abandonned.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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