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music today singing to myself "somewhere over the rainbow" and "something... in the way she walks..." by the Beatles

reading:orientation materials with my name on the folder, which i cant use.

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Sept. 11, 2003 - 2:53 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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Demystifying Bisexuality in Schools NOT

Demystifying Bisexuality in Schools NOT

Hiya. Going to make this a new entry instead of adding onto my previous Wed entry... too many things.

I just got back from a fun time with the gals at l'aigle noir fag bar. About 10 women showed up, which is great. And dagger says that they are letting her have a women's dungeon night in the backbar dungeon every wed if she likes. She is very psyched! hope it works out! though there might not be the montreal girl population to have a turnout every week. Once a month might be better. The good thing about the group tonight is that there were at least 3 new members ('women i know from different corners of my life) who hadnt shown up before... very fun.

the BUMMER thing tonight that i feel totally down and distraught about is that I went to the orientation meeting of the group here (we'll call it GIS, for Gays in School) who does interventions in schools to demystify homosexuality. They send in one gay and one lesbian to talk to kids in classrooms about their personal experiences.

I have known about this group for at least 3 years, but was always too busy, out of town, committed to other things etc. But now I was really psyched to do it... a way to get some proper organised training to speak to groups of kids, experience in classrooms, and a chance to answer all those crazy questions that i always want to address when invited as an illustrator, but cannot... the ones that start with "are you a girl or a boy" etc...

I was so excited. We went around the room of perhaps 30 new people, each speaking of our age, when we came out, how we found out about GIS... and then went to break.

And during the break, as i finished a peach, and was saying how interesting it was that so few people identified as bi, even though a bunch had been in heterosexual marriages with ids, the two leaders of the orientation called me over to speak with me. And guess what. I am not acceptable as a school intervention volunteer since i am bisexual. Twenty years of dealing with homophobia, lesbian issues, being in the dyke community, going out with women, AND they need more women. But it doesnt matter, because they are there to demystify homosexuality in schools not bisexuality. And they cannot have one gay, one lesbian and one bi (funny that gay gets divided into two genders but bis dont)... it is a different topic, they say, and not enough time in a classroom.

I just couldnt believe what my ears were hearing. I wanted to do this to help kids who are coming out, and to help kids who are afraid of homosexuality, and kids who use homosexuality as a putdown... "you faggot" as an equivalent to "you asshole".... I really dont understand how being interested in women AND men, i am not qualified to do this. Men who were married for 10 years are. 17yr old boys who have been out for 9 months are. But 20 years of lesbian relationships and I am not "within their mandate". They did offer to let me participate in other ways.. helping the treasurer, putting questionnaire data into the computer. Just what i want to do after sitting at home at my computer alone all day. I hunger for human contact, to talk with kids, to be out there.

I am siderée as they say in french. They said to try a bi group. I am sorry, but i have never heard little boys yelling "you goddamn bi" as an insult to each other. or a teenager committing suicide cuz he thinks he may be bi. I dont see why there should be a completely separate group of people going into schools talking about bisexuality. It is an interesting topic, but hardly the pressing one i should think. Though going into gay groups to talk about why bisexuals are queer and subject to homophobia seems to be pressing.

I am so sad. I was so happy to be able to give my time, to be part of a group now that i am not in my choir, to talk to kids without having to censor myself. I am just so so so sad. I am so so so sick of throwing myself out there in good faith, offering my all, and being told, gee, you are wonderful, go away. so so sad.

On that upbeat note i must eat something. if only i had cheese and bread that werent moldy, i would have a grilled cheese. incredibly but i havent eaten a grilled cheese in a month. that must be a sign of sickness of the soul or something. so strange.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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