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Music: Elani Mandell: Thrill

Book: Anyways: the paradoxical commandments: Finding Personal Meaning in a Crazy World" by Kent M. Keith

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Sept. 18, 2003 - 4:20 a.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Tuesday's Dream and Wed email wrong number

Hello there.

going to try to rewrite some of my deleted entry of yesterday. aagh again. I think actually i may have written in the early afternoon about my dream, and then again at 6am before i went to sleep, and both times it mysteriously disappeared before i could save the page. aagh yet again! (i am so eloquent!)

re Tuesday, Sept 16, 2003:

So, yesterday started off with this strange and depressing dream. Basically i was visiting ob in some town which was hilly and heavily wooded la British Columbia, and on a bus going "home" to her place, and because i was chatting, I missed my stop... but didnt take note of just how far PAST my stop i'd gone. When i disembarked, I walked down the hill, and there was my (long dead, ie since 1989) brother sitting at a picnic table. He was very helpful and suggested that I take a shortcut straight across the hill, through a sort of park/golf course, instead of following the bus route back up and down hills. And then he suggested calling ob. Well,she was at work, of course, but very vague... ie have to work late, must do overtime, must see a friend afterwards, work long hours tomorrow... overtime... dont know when i'll see you... And my brother replied, well, I guess you have your answer... she has no interest in seeing you. It was very sad with a deadness in my heart. And then suddenly it was her sitting on the bench instead of him, and she was turning her face away when i went to kiss her, leaving her mouth totally closed. And then she said something like "it's been a long time since i really liked you"... and then i woke up.

This was just too depressing for me. As it had echos of past relationships, things people said out of spite and god only knows what reasons... Like the time at art school when I had misplaced something. Everyone was sitting together having a tea.. and i said "ah, since everyone is together, this would be a good time to ask you something..." and a "friend" broke in and said "yeah, does anybody really like me?"... the room and I were silent. And i just went on..." well, actually i was going to ask if anyone had seen my agenda book...." or whatever it was. That just cut to the quick. And WHY? who knows. like the devil was in the room. Coincidentally or not, that was also in 1989 the year my brother died....

... so shades of that stuck with me the whole day. Taking notes to myself of all I do to alienate people...ways i betray confidences, use what people tell me against them, interrupt, hog conversations, berate those who have done me wrong with great self-righteousness, be overly sensitive and reactive, my god I could go on for years it seems.

Anyways, an introspective difficult day. And it made me think of my dead brother and how he felt so alone in the world, and that it was hopeless. And my father disliking himself... I can so relate. As i age i become more like my mother but also see all the bits I found abusive in my father coming out in me, and it just feels like ok behaviour... ie telling someone what they have done to hurt me, until I see them crying and I am going on and on, and I am suddenly in my father's boots, hurting someone back with my words. aagh.

I was thinking about suicide all day... not me (except thinking of my mother saying to me she was afraid I would commit suicide one day instead of getting drugs for depression), but rather my brother, and ob... my fears for her. It is none of my business I suppose. But I had such a good relationship with her, in that we could actually HEAR each other when we spoke... when she told me i was going on, or shouting, I could HEAR it and stop, and change my behaviour. That was such a gift from the universe. I guess i still hope that one day in the far future we will be at least friendly acquaintances. But I am afraid that she will not be here for that day to arrive. And thinking about my brother scares me scares me. So missing his presence in my life even after 14 years. It is a good thing that when I was making the webpage about him that it was 4 or 5 am... it would have been so easy to call her crying saying how unique she was despite her faults and that i was afraid she was self-destructive... but i would have seemed like a complete case. And probably she is hating me right now, re her website etc.

I am sorry that they shut it down. I was quite specific about which htmls she had used photos she had no right to use, and had written them that she had my permission for copyright to other stuff... ie you could see it was linked to my website and vice versa. I thought they would send her a warning, or block those pages with a "page not available" or somesuch, but the whole darn thing just disappeared without anyone contacting me, or anything. Damn. At the time I was so angry i was glad it was gone. But it wasnt what I wanted or expected, and now I am sorry they did that. It is unfair that all her work is gone for all the fun stuff about her friends, etc. I would be really angry and hurt if my whole website disappeared. I can understand if she feels betrayed. If only I hadnt been feeling nostalgic and went to see what the two "broken" pics on the Michigan page were... and then I saw "ob and M" and clicked expecting pic of her and a friend, and instead all these explicit shots of me for someone else. Tada... what a surprise. urk. But I would like to say these things to her... I was looking out of nostalgia and sadness and wanted to see photos of her and friends... I wasnt planning to snoop. She probably feels totally violated. ah well, thus is life. The wife goes into her husband's wallet to look for the wedding photo and discovers a love letter to the secretary. Should she or shouldnt she have been there??? Once you find the letter to the secretary, is it justified detective work to look in the other wallet after that? Or snooping??? Collecting further evidence on a discovered crime. And we know how much criminals like the police!!!! aaagh.

Anyways I am rambling on. Yesterday i wrote more about the sadness, the hole that never is refilled that accompanies an untimely death. I went through my brother's writings to put some stuff on the webpage and ended up in crying jags for hours. He would be 38 in October... actually a month from today. Hard to even imagine... forever frozen in my mind at 24.

The other thing yesterday was calling Jezz... I thought just to leave a message saying hi, you are not forgotten, but he picked up. He is not doing well, and we had a discussion about my dream, disliking yourself, and how staying in pyjamas does nothing for your morale though it is initially comforting. A great guy. Very interesting. But that didnt help me on the subject of death.

Wed Sept 17, 2003....

Today... a better day. Got lots of work done. Got my hair cut. Saw a great magician... unexpectedly plying his trade in front of the Jean Coutu!! ... turns out that the well-turned-out postal clerk is actually a gypsy magician planning a trip around the world!! Who knew!!! His prestidigitations were mindbogglingly entertaining, with no slippage to get my mind even in the crack of what he was doing. Impressive and like a peephole into a world of mystery.

Another discovery today... The music of one Elani Mandell... a versatile voice that went from an opera diva to Holly Cole passing by unexpected permutations. It was playing at the coffeeshop today... cd called "Thrill"... quite excellent. though i am becoming a cd junkie. I must admit that is one physically less destructive addiction compared to many. A quick emotional fix without the drugs... a good thing.

Spoke on the panel about homosexuals/queers at McGill today... a masters class on sexuality for professionals... there was one bi man and one gay man as well as me. They were both very young, ie 20. It was very fun... got asked great questions I would never have thought of... like "do lesbians have a drive to have children?" and "why are male homosexuals called gays, while females are called lesbian?"... I ended up fielding a lot of questions, even though some questions i didnt answer at all, and often I said "ask the guys some questions"... there is a distinct imbalance when you put someone who is a blabbermouth AND has been out for 20 years against quiet succinct gay men who have been out for 3. It was fun, and it seems i may be invited back for the panel on bdsm/fetish... that should be interesting too.

Finally, two last things on this long entry... I again practiced with my straight razor... did both legs, my arm, and my mons! Hah! that is a hard one! Started with the bikini line.. that went well, but the long hair, which seems to grow out on an acute angle from the skin, was harder. And I can shave my legs against the grain since the skin is quite taut and a bit leathery, whereas the mons is soft and the skin just grabs the blade when you dont go with the hair. Difficult. I dont have as close a shave there but no major disasters.

And while I was doing my arm, an email came in from ob. Now that was a huge surprise. Her contacting me. I was guessing it wouldnt be til xmas or maybe next michigan or somesuch if ever. But it turned out to be a wrong number. A message that had no subject, and said "yep. soon."... I wrote back a response but got no reply. Then i wrote "well, i guess i get no reply even if it was a mistake, so will go back to shaving my arm. Take care." No reply to that either. Perhaps being jocular is a mistake. Perhaps replying was a mistake.I dont know. So hard to guess. But I will have always twinges of betrayal and lack of trust, but i no longer feel vindictive and punitive and i guess i wanted to put that out. I dont know what to make of it... so forward and onward. Patience and noninteraction is not my forte.

So, better day today... (let's keep our fingers crossed until I at least save this page!!!)

Gnight, to me,

love da wench.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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