![]() ![]() Music: three separate records (yes, vinyl!!) of Carmen Book:Unholy Ghost: writers on depression Nell Casey, ed.
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Saturday, Sept. 20, 2003 - 3:28 a.m. Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me. sadgirl and cryingboy
And now that is gone. I am so so so so so sad. It seems so stupid and redundant to write that. I mean really. Who hasnt broken up with someone, lost a lover, or a best friend. Hell, i cannot even say I was married for 12 years before i was betrayed. But i feel such a failure. Or if not a failure just sort of hopeless. Sometimes i convince myself i can be more. I can dance flamenco, be a Top, be involved in the sm community here, will have a real lover someday. And then real life steps in. Other people already have lives that supercede mine. My personality shuts people off simultaneously with me reaching out and getting involved. I just depress myself today. People. Thinking of what ob said... when she didnt drink for a year, she found people so irritating. Yes they are. And so am I. But at least ob and i didnt get on each others nerves like that. I go to the thing tonight and see some people I have known since I am 18. that is 22 years now. And we have nothing to say to each other. We smile slightly and nod an acknowledgement. This is one of the first girls i kissed, we shared a best friend in our home province and college town. But strangers would be more likely to meet up. Sometimes I wish I would move again to another place. Start again, see different people. Brushing up against the past is hard. Seeing all the people you once hoped you would get together with, and now know it will never happen, because of you, because of them, is hard.
Then i came home sobbing on my bike in the rain through colored lights reflecting on pavement, throngs of friday night yunguns out on the town jostling each other on the streets. I feel like I could count on my two hands and two feet the times I have had a date on Friday night to go out in Montreal in the past 21 years. What the fuck is wrong with me. But how can i have a date with someone new when i am sad and down and missing like this??? I cannot.
Well, I think i'll go to bed and read a cheery book on depression... actually i bought it at a garage sale last weekend, and it is called Unholy Ghost:writers on depression edited by Nell Casey. I read one story in it last night and it was well-written and touched me. I so want to send a care package to ob, with this book and the Anyway book. Would that be harrassment by her ex?? I should just leave be. But I see the photos of her depressed this spring. And think of her crying and sad and overworking and drinking and want to reach out. I am perhaps just some stupid codependent person who has a saviour do-gooder mentality. But it seems stupid to be less than what you can be. Well on that note, i am going to make myself some tea and go read in bed. I want a cuddle. I want someone to hold me and rock me in their arms while i cry for an hour. I want someone to say goodnight to me. I want a back massage. I want someone to bring me a cup of tea. I will have to just be there for me. But it seems so unfair. Unfair for other alone people, and unfair for me alone too. Gnight wenchie sweetie. Big hugs, and sweet dreams. love, yourself 0 People have left cute, callous or caring comments on the wench's wordiness!! Go to "notes" instead of comments ps, you'll need to email me for a username and password
previous meanderings - future past Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
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*inspired by Chaosdaily