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Book: Jitterbug Perfume Alobar "constantly prattles" about the meaning of things, I can relate.

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Sept. 22, 2003 - 4:10 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Checkup on Gay Marriage and Dignity and Doms

Another day still working at past 4am... well, i shouldnt complain since i went out last night and on Friday... AND i got the US work done before 2am. Not so bad. Their next book needs to be done for same time next week, so hopefully I'll squeeze a little BEAR in there too... Then just one more US book...

Just finished a sketch of vegetables and fruit at Kensington Market for a Toronto book... have to do another tomorrow for them of grade 3 kids at a games of chance tent. And they are sending me a large image to do of a pet shop. Nice that these things are simple enough i dont need lots of references, and varied enough they are a nice break from my regular work. And it being Toronto, it pays pretty well for being educational material. yay.

Feeling ok today. Woke up berating myself about last night... being pushy/ inquisition-like with Yawn's new thing... i get that way, sort of spitefully aggressive, when someone is so polished and sweet and polite that i want to squish them like a toothpaste tube to get some mussiness. Why do i feel so personally lacking when faced with polite nice girls?? It brings out the feelings i had growing up about being too big, too loud, too clumsy, not knowing how to be a nice thin dainty sweet girl. So i just want to go "boo!!!", and then when i make them uncomfortable i dislike myself even more. oh drat and drat again.

and then that tapping the doorman on the cheek incident. What a thing to do anywhere... lucky he didnt put my arm behind my back or something... and in a leather place on top of it... i start to worry about having a disrespectful reputation in the leather community. So silly since it will probably go nowhere, and i wasnt even recognizable in that femme drag. aagh. But then i started stressing about having lost my sense of boundaries and respectfulness for the leather community... how i used to be in awe, and brought a sort of humble politeness to my interactions. And now i have just been seeing more and more disappointing behavior... well, really just people acting human, and then i feel like i am just equal to these other people, instead of feeling respectful and in awe. And then when i feel judged or put down by these same people, esp if they are Tops, i just feel like cutting them down to whatever size they have made me feel. Not so good. This is not dignified. I must think of the Marketplace books, and how the california dom was treated by people... even though they disrespected his methods and attitudes, they were totally dignified, and polite in their interactions with him, yet not warm nor welcoming. They never had to put him down, and they never lost their own dignity or standing.

I must endeavor to be like that... to treat all with utmost respect and then disengage when i dont like them, rather than react. As my mother said, "you drag yourself down to their level"... so true so true. That is why words push buttons, it is the truth in them that hurts.

Well, thankfully that self-criticism did not end up in a full blown depression, tho i didnt start to feel better until i started working. And listening to the CBC Cross Country Checkup about Same-sex Marriage, and the debate about judges and politicians and the Charter of Rights. It really was very interesting, and although there were some complete idiots who called in, there were as many if not more intelligent sane people. I have hope for Canada, or at least the callers to the CBC!! I read the whole forum and the majority of the entries were good.

Called Nique in Toronto, and had a good talk about family, surgery and anaesthesia, and dogs... she had surgery on her bad veins in her leg, and also surprisingly enough is now a dog owner. Who'd have thought. it was a good conversation, and i am so glad i look up old friends and hang onto their friendship. Lost sight of her for years and years, but now i've known her since 1975,and we are still friends!! yay! I may stay there in Nov.

Besides that... discovered a new favorite diaryist in diaryland... Alternamommy ... check her out... i put three or four of her entries into my "favorite entries" file... good reading... she's very articulate, and very real on the page. Spent too much time tonight reading her past entries.

Well, i think that is it... lots of work, a bit of anxiety....

no, i also want to say... aagh, NO i DIDNt start bleeding. So maybe i am depressive instead of PMS!!! just spotting... this has been going on for awhile. it worries me since it seems to be either the start of menopause or somesuch, or an abnormal sign... off and on spotting for a week or two before my actual period. I am getting regular coloscopies (ouch and yuck), but there were abnormal cells there at one point (that happened RIGHT after i found out C was screwing around with no protection, and i needed to check for HIV, and at the same time i felt so betrayed by my body when it was obvious that infertility was going to stop me from being the pregnant mom i always wanted to be... just TOO MUCH gynecological freakiness at once!!! )

Not so much sad sad angry about ob today, but thinking of her thoughtfully... wanted to recommend one of alternamommy's diary entries to her, starring Goldie Hawn of all people. Hard so often to remember that ob is so fucked up and so fucked me around... i want to be in denial and think of the one i trusted and thought i knew, and who cared about me, and who would be there for me. ha. was that person ever there??? so bizarre. do you really know ANYONE? or yourself? (i'm feeling i should read Dr. Jekyll/Mr.Hyde again!!)

well, on that cheery twilight zone note, i am off to bed. Sorry no pretty pictures on the diary page tonight... i wish i felt i could steal and put jpgs off the net!! lots of fun stuff out there to link to... hah! copyright copyright!!

goodnight, love, me

ps... my 2002 agenda book is STILL missing... aagh! getting worried it is lost... with all my friends' phone numbers etc... WHY OH WHY did i not transfer them to new book in Jan as i usually do?? stress stress!!!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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