Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Monday, Sept. 22, 2003 - 6:07 p.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
A Rant on Ownership vs Boi Training
up and down up and down.
I am so sick of being unpartnered sometimes. Here i was doing great... work on schedule, bills paid, i have some time to vacuum and wash the filthy dog...
and then i click on a link to Dallas Leather Boys and i am doubled over crying again. Oh, i could see myself there with my wonderful onion boy, learning bootcare, and flogging. Why is my ob so fucked up. Why can she not deal with me seeing her learning, what she calls "humiliation"?? I was so proud of her. I was learning so much and was not seeing the shame she was feeling with me there. I see this boy training, and want so much to have taken her there, to validate her boi identity and have her proud of herself. Without being owned by someone, without giving up her will her self her life her self-determination. I realize that "owning" unless it is done between extremely well-adjusted people as conscious acting out of fantasy... is against everything i value and admire and encourage in people. I am against slavery, controlling husbands, despotic presidents, gang leaders, and just pushy princess people who lord over their admiring group of friends, all for the same reason. It elevates one person above human status, and makes them "divinely entitled"... the word "title" sort of says it all... and demotes everyone else to bootlicker, suckerupper, asskisser, people pleaser, lackey, yes-man. All of those things are fun and fine in an hour, a day, a circumscribed role where the submissive one has the right at any point to disagree, vote against party line, make and keep committments, stand up for their rights vs the desires of the dominant one. But as soon as one sacrifices who they are, and feels that is right, correct, their place in life, i hate it.
I admire the rebel, the individual who will do what is right no matter who it insults or pisses off, the one who has the guts to be different, to be a friend without bowing down, to be their own person.
I believe in common parlance, to young males it is called "being a man". And i think that is nongender specific. It is the recognition that all people have human dignity, a right to self-determination, unique potential, self-fulfilment, that fuels all human rights movements. That fights against dowries, childprostitution, slave wages, wife-beating, lack of voting rights for a section of the citizenry, indentured servitude, religious dictatorships, etc etc. "Know your place" is a disgusting concept to me in general.
Of course systems work beautifully on these know your place attitudes. Men who are obeyed by their wives are happy, and if the wives think that is their place, their lot in life, they are more likely to be accepting and there is less friction. If your dog thinks you have the right to hit it it goes quite well when you feel like beating something. India has functioned on the caste system for hundreds if not thousands of years. But are untouchables happy or resentful??
Disempowerment, whether it is forced, or given over consensually (usually through lack of self-esteem..."i'm so lucky my husband married me", "i'm so lucky my Top spent an hour with me", "i'm so lucky i have a job even if i am exploited") breeds resentment at inequality, heartbreak and sadness when personal dreams, hopes, desires are trod upon by someone else, passive agressiveness, if not downright plotted cunning, when active self-determination is seen to be out of place. And often hopelessness, when the person's lack of self-esteem is reenforced (my husband left me, my Top has 4 other bottoms and a lover, my admired friend just put down my taste in clothes), and their self-estimated ability to control their own environment is further degraded.
And that is just mentioning the negative aspects for the sub. How about the power-tripping, the sick overblown egos, the lack of self-reliance, the delusions of grandeur, the corruption that comes about when someone has power over? It is well documented... most everyone is corrupted by power, and the more others in one's entourage defer to one, the more one feels one is entitled to deference.
Anyways, there are my thoughts right now on "owning"... ie giving over yourself to the will to someone else in body, heart, soul and actions. I think it is unhealthy and goes against everything i would try to promote in anyone i cared for.
So, back to the boy training. I so wanted to encourage ob to be the best she could be. And i dont think that means the best "owned slave"... urk. A fun game and a horrid reality that makes my stomach churn. Fucking over one's friends and lovers to win approval of one single person. Drinking to overcome your actual feeling, skipping meals, missing time spent with friends, reneging on promises in order to get a star from one person at the end of the day.
What a mess when that one person disappears from your life... if they chose someone else the next week. You have given over your self-esteem into the hands of someone else. What if they take your body and soul and heart and life and just use them and abuse them?? Relying on any human other than yourself to know what is best for you, and then do what is best for you... well isnt that a problem... i would suspect most people do what is best for themselves... ie "serve me tonight, i need you" rather than what is best for you... which may be "you go to bed early after a good dinner and rereading your speech for work tomorrow".
The whole point of a slave is to serve the needs and desires of the owner. And it is very seldom that the needs and desires of the owner are the needs and desires of the slave. My dog's needs and desires are not mine... hers (from getting to pee when she needs to, to eating when she's hungry, to running when her body needs exercise)... are subject to my timeschedule and whim. If i need to sleep she has to wait to pee, even if she may have an hour or two of pain, even if I KNOW she is having to wait . If i am late for a business meeting, she gets 5 minutes exercise instead of the 30 I know she needs.
How as someone who "owned" another person could I take care of them as well as they should take care of themselves?? Ownership by someone else puts a human into conflict of interest with themselves. They by being a human, should put their body, heart, soul first... humans should not abuse their bodies, their hearts or souls... if even so that they are then in good shape to help others and their community (we all know an unhappy mother, ill and heartbroken is unlikely to be the best mother for her children). And then by being a "slave" they have promised to put the "owner" first. Ah, if you know you need to get an education and the classes are only available at night, but your Dom needs you to be available every evening to serve dinner, now what should you do??
I believe this is the same relationship problem inherent in traditional wife/husband relationships... the wife has sworn to put her husband first and obey him. And we see how wonderful that is.
So I dont understand why anyone would want to replicate this situation. Except as an agreed upon "game"... ie the "owner" will forgo his dinner service and subsume his desires to the "slave" who wants to earn a college degree... and of course that subverts the fantasy desired by both that it is the owner's desire that comes first. If he insists that the slave give up the school for him, then i believe it is an abuse of power and control.
So, i keep slipping off the boi training. I so wished ob had the desire to be her own person. The self-esteem to eat well, to take care of her body, to be my equal as she has the ability to. She is a strong intelligent talented human being, and it makes me sick to my stomach to see her so needy so desperate so self-hating if she doesnt get approval.
Please let me have someone so wonderful as she but who can be my equal. Who can top me and bottom to me, stand by me and be my partner in life. Someone who can be strong or let me be strong in turn, with love, and caring, respect and self-respect.
I miss so much my onionboy.
Love me, in tears.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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