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music: again Patty Griffin "Living with Ghosts" music from ob.

booklast night: short essay "One Cheer for Melancholy" by Susanna Kaysen who wrote "girl, interrupted"

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2003 - 1:09 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Crying in the Rain

I really wish the tops of the entries said what the day it is to me, instead of the actual date... ie to me it is now Tuesday evening, whereas this diary says it is Wednesday morning. It is not Wednesday until i go to sleep and wake up. Damn the world and its definitions.

Here i am ok. My whole body is creaky and achey and wanting to stretch, but my emotions want to cocoon. Tuff for the body. MAYBE i'll do yoga tonight. I was so good at one point, doing my yoga every second day. And then this summer when i thought i was going to see ob in Michigan i was going to the gym every second day. It did feel good, i think i remember. Now i am mostly just losing weight. slowly but surely. it is not snacking that does it.

Tonight hating myself again. I go to the dog park, I say hi to two girls with their dogs... and one says nothing, the other grumbles and frowns... apparently they are talking to eachother. Hard to know. People with dogs that you know hanging looking at the dogs. But the second girl used to smile and say hi to me. I asked if she was in a bad mood and she frowned more and said "no we were talking" as if i shouldnt have said "hi". I said, sorry, you think i shouldve waited til we walked halfway round the park to say hi? She said "no, I hate it when people dont smile and say hi when I arrive, makes me feel rejected". Now that is really a weird thing for her to say when she just didnt smile and say hi when i arrived. You'd think people could put two and two together and think"gee, i made her feel the way i hate feeling".

then went and stood by two other dogwalkies people. Sometimes i just wish i would move. You know that there ends up being so much baggage between people who are acquaintances for 8 years... and you are never close enough you can really talk about the baggage. The girl was real friendly to me about 4 years ago. I even stood up for her when some other guy was being weird and sort of xenophobic about asians (she is part Indian). And suddenly she began to be very distant, isolated and only walk by herself, never stopping to say hi. Now she is standing chatting and grinning with this other guy who i have a friendly distant relationship with. Is it a private chat? Is she approachable now in general? Should i be there or not?? I come up with my dog, they stop talking. Is it me? I start talking to the guy about his school. They start talking about what girls wear to school these days... "so disgusting.".. i said it is because we are getting old and judgmental of the youth, we sound like our parents.. aaagh. Apparently no, kids these days are DIFFERENT, WORSE, GETTING WORSE EVERYDAY. Which of course is what pretty much every generation says. Flappers. Hippies, Heavy Metal, Rap, and of course the nefarious influence of THE SPICE GIRLS.

To make story short, i end up being my normal old argumentative self. I cannot be giddy and giggly even when saying inane and negative things like this other girl. I study her. People seem to like her. She giggles when she says "my dog is limping". She giggles when she says "what they wear is disgusting". She has tight pants and long flowing hair and a big smile. I dont think i can giggle while I say normal things or criticize. But maybe that is the key.

And dont contradict. Dont argue. Dont give advice. Dont be confrontational. Dont join discussions that you did or didnt know were going on. Dont walk up and say hi if it might be private though it might not be. Dont expect someone to smile instead of frowning at you when you say hi even if they expect that themselves.

Anyways, i just felt wrong, alienated, like everyone is not glad when i arrive and is glad when i leave. And i suspect it is not paranoia, it is rather just the truth that anyone can see. And that depresses me. I am not fun and tho i am sociable i am a mood damper. And the more i feel like a mood damper the more i become a mood damper.

I left to get my laundry... ten minutes to fold the clothes, but the clock in the laundromat was faster (it still said 4 mins to 9pm) and they were shutting out the lights. It was the horrid laundry lady (vs the nice one), and they were complaining that i was not on time. I said sorry, i thought according to my watch i have 10 minutes. They said their clock was Bell Canada time. Well, heck, how am i supposed to know. I said that sorry, my watch was different, i hadnt planned to be late. She said "huh?" and so i turned towards her and said that again, loudly. And aaagh, she goes "you shouted at me, i'm telling my boss, he wont let you in here anymore you shout at me" and that made me angrier and my voice got louder, and i said "i wasnt shouting at you... you said "huh?" and so i said "sorry..." louder... and she said "You're still SHOUTING AT ME!! I'm gonna get you THROWN OUT!" Well, here i go again. I can see that the common theme of "we dont like you and we dont want you here, get out" is a bad button for me.

I did shout then. And then i hated myself. She is a stupid horrid woman. She says mean things when i say comments like "yay, having visitors so it's a good time to wash all the curtains"... she replies "i dont wait for visitors, my house is always spotless"... aagh. Why do i react and then i am just like my mother says, bringing myself down to her level.

And of course walking away with my laundry wondering if i'll be banished, i think of the men's leather bar and how i just made the situation worse, and wondering if i'll be banished there too. and i think i should not try to say hi to people in the park, and not try to join conversations and not reply when people say "huh?" and not react when people tell me they "cant protect me cuz i'm a woman"... i just felt so self-hating and hopeless, i am my own worst enemy and how can i expect to have friends and lovers or a partner or family. And get more and more depressed. And then i think, i am a forty year old woman walking down the street crying out loud. aaagh. How bloody lovely.

Fortunately i am in a better mood now. I put down my laundry and went outside, and a different neighbor was passing with his dog, and i asked if i could join. And he is not doing well either, and we talked about what we say when people ask how we're doing. And when we got to his place he gave me a very nice hug and it felt so nice to have someone even touch my body, and in a friendly caring way. That helped a huge amount.

But i still dont know what to do when you know damn well that the negative things you do really are negative things. And that you are not in control of them, even if you try. You control and control and then when you are thinking of "gee, we are having a nice conversation, i am succeeding in a nice conversation" suddenly you are being negative and ruining everything and you cant stop yourself.

I miss ob. I wish i could talk with her about this. About being ashamed of your own behaviour, and not being the way you promise yourself you will be.

well i must stop typing and actually work. the day has slipped through my fingers. Funny though but i read yesterday's entry and it says what i want and need is a clean dog and a fur-free hallway carpet.

That is funny, because what I DID do today was wash the dog, and vacuum the carpet! So i guess i do take care of myself in any case, even if i think i dont.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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