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Music:Patty Griffin

Reading:Suicide prevention websites... i should take a course. make me feel less helpless re others.

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 11:59 p.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Honest Disagreements vs Lying in Relationships personal and political


A quick blurb before i get some work done... yes, unlike lastnight i am going to attempt working at midnight instead of waiting til 4am. Wow. The utter dictatorial nature of my discipline-loving employer...ME.

I just wanted to say that I have been reading Charley Reese again... sometimes i disagree with his stance but more times than not he just has a great head on his shoulders and the guts to write what he thinks in plain speech. Check him out on the definition of a Good Economy and the future of the United States (and Canada may I add).

Next, consider these words from his Sept 12 column about politicians:


Most Americans don't expect politicians to be infallible and perfect, but they do have a right to expect that politicians will be honest.

A free, self-governing society can survive honest disagreements, even serious disagreements, but it cannot survive deception and dishonesty. The whole basis of self-government is that people can make the right decisions if they are given the facts. They cannot do that, however, if they are constantly fed lies. Political lies should be considered a mortal and unforgivable sin.

And consider how they apply to relationships in general... let's just replace a few words:

Most people don't expect lovers to be infallible and perfect, but they do have a right to expect that lovers will be honest.

A relationship between free, autonomous (=self-governing) people can survive honest disagreements, even serious disagreements, but it cannot survive deception and dishonesty. The whole basis of self-government is that people can make the right decisionsi if they are given the facts. They cannot do that, however, if they are constantly fed lies. Personal lies should be considered a mortal and unforgivable sin.

Well I think that statement translates very well from the personal to the political field and back again. I am so sad to be so angry and so angry to have to be so sad. I miss the ob I thought didnt lie to me. So so sad. To anyone reading this, please dont lie in your relationships OR to your constituents if you are in politics... or to your employees or or or...



Egads, i really should work in coffeeshops instead of next to the computer... i think i have managed to work about 20 minutes out of the past 3.5 hours. Well, i do double over and cry once in awhile. Funny i just had a flash of that Christiane X movie... where they are in the bedroom with red wine going through withdrawal from heroine, puking, doubled over crying and hitting their muscles. Haha! I am going through relationship withdrawal... ob withdrawal. Funny that i should decide to use ob instead of pc, and that ob is a tampon you stick inside you to deal with messy bleeding that is societally unacceptable. hah. At least it is one without an environmentally damnable plastic applicator!

Anyways, here i am wanting to lie on the bed doubled over. Crying, trying not to hurt myself like i hurt inside. I think it is too stupid to hurt myself. The same impulse control keeping me from slamming the wall or scatching my fingernails down my face, or stabbing my wrists with a ballpoint pen, or pounding my temples with my fist, or playing chicken with my fingers and a knife is the same impulse control that kept me from scratching corncob's car, smashing ob in the face when i was soooo angry, from trashing the campsite. Funny how people think i am not controlled. I almost never do the things that shoot through my head.

Half the fucking world is shooting each other, running cars through plate glass windows, shooting heroine into their veins, slicing up their arms, committing suicide, drinking themselves to death, beating their spouses and children, dropping bombs on countries, cooking the books for their personal profit, laying off all the employees to get a promotion for upping the profit, driving like maniacs in schoolzones, ... and I am not controlled, i am immature, because i express a fantasy to do things i dont actually ever do???? aaagh!!!!! In my life i have slapped one boyfriend once, and my brother once when i told him i would slap him if he called me a bitch again, which he did immediately. I mean, I had to keep my word. Other than that I have hit my hand against the wall a couple times in my life. I dont understand why it is scary to hit your own hand against a wall, but not scary to go out drinking when you are depressive and have car keys. That is way scarier.

When i smash my hand once against a plaster wall, i risk at the most breaking plaster in a radius of 3 inches, and perhaps bruising my hand. MAYBE fracturing a bone. That is an equivalent risk to playing volleyball (heck in volleyball you could trip, have the ball smash your nose. Going out drinking with friends when you are depressive and have car keys, you could: fall off your bar stool and die (you should read of the people who die of stupid simple things!), you could be miserable and get into a bar brawl when your judgment is off. You could fall asleep at the wheel, or you could have an accident and kill yourself. Or you could run over a pedestrian, have a headon collision with another car, run a red light... you could kill heck, up to maybe 30 people if you caused a bus to swerve and go off a bridge... Now let's compare that to my scary scary hitting a wall once while sitting down. But no one says you are scary and violent when you go out for a beer when you are sad and depressed. I just dont get people. I just dont get it.

I wish i could have been there to hold Mary, the mother of Jesus, when she had to take Jesus down from the cross. I am listening to Patty Griffin. I want to hold ob. I miss her so much. I imagine her face, her skin, her laugh, her dancing, her twinkling eyes, her blue lights in her bedroom, how she holds her body when she comes out of the shower, breaking up is like someone dying when you know they are still alive. When someone dies people say "oh he is in a better place now"... and you dont really feel jealous of where they are, you just hope they are happy. But what do you do when the relationship is over? And you know they are going to their job they dont like, as lonely as usual, doing their normal things here in the real world. Do you stay away?

Imagine that there was a telephone to heaven. Wouldnt you be tempted to phone your dearly departed and see how they are? It is so hard not to phone ob. She is still here on the planet, but may never speak to me again. I should be angrier I know. I should be thinking of how she wasnt a good friend. But i just miss her miss her miss her. Withdrawal pain sucking up my life. I want to love her for the rest of her life. I want to share things with her while she's here and i'm here on this planet. Even if we fight. Even if we are sometimes cruel. I want her to know I care about her even if she doesnt chose me. Even if I end up someplace completely different in my life. But i dont even know how i can say that. What if i called and she said "leave me alone, just leave me alone".

What if there was a telephone to heaven... and you called your dearly departed, and they said "i'm glad i'm not with you anymore. leave me alone. just leave me alone." I guess it is good when they are gone we can imagine whatever we damn well please and can never actually call.


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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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