music: Roger Miller and the Lovin Spoonful... trying to cheer myself up eh.
...life was good in 1967.
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Saturday, Sept. 27, 2003 - 4:09 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
Crying and being a self-critical fuckup
Trying to get some work done through puffy squidgy eyes from crying. Three entries in one day. look who is desperately lonely and sad and not doing so well.. grumpy and angry on the drop of a dime and crying.
At least i had a little talk with my neighbor and she was sweet and asked me for a beer. I at first said no, then realized, again, i tell people my woes and then when they offer advice, i chop it to bits like firewood, and then when they offer something nice like go for a beer, i say i dont have time. Which actually WAS true. But i took her up on the offer and it was nice.
Then went to the movie Walking on Water... about the aftermath of a guy dying from AIDS... his mother, siblings, roomates, friends all kind of go to pot. Grief seems to turn everyone into viscious monsters so at least i dont feel so bad. At the same time it just feels like gee humanity is a fucking mess. And the worst things people say are the true ones. That is just like me.
I feel like i am replicating my parents marriage, but i dont know who i am. I feel like my father... showering love, and romance and all that, but still not doing a good job, hurting people and pushing away the very ones I want to love. And now i feel like ob is my father... going away hurt because she was rightfully left. My father was an ass and my mother was right to leave. And ob was being and ass and i had to get my own out of there or get hurt more and more. But my father got so hurt when mom left he just isolated and basically didnt talk to my mom for about 15 years... and that was at my brother's funeral. They really only finally talked about three years ago so they were pretty much incommunicado for 26 years. incredible. The cold war. And my father said he always felt he was responsible for my mother going into depression. And i suspect he feels responsible for her not loving him anymore.
And i am now being shut out by ob cuz it causes her too much pain. I feel like fuck, it was me who got trod upon... why do i get shut out when i want to be nice again? i understand it, like i understood my father was hurt when i was a kid. But i am so sad.
Went into a bit of a self-hating thing tonight. feel like i just fuck up. Like all this is a mess. If i had just left ob where she was... when i met her she was happy to have her ma'am and was going to move ipso vito to be with her. She said her heart wasnt open, that she wanted to be owned. Why didnt i just move on right then. No, i got goodies... praise, sex, fun, and so i went back for more and more til we fell for each other and then it started to hurt. She was absolutely right to the end of what she wanted... a big bad domme, not a relationship with a fun friend who loved and cared for her.
I feel now she hates herself and feels like a failure and if i had never been there sucking her along into feeling good with me that never wouldve happened. Her life wouldve happened but i would just be a distant friend she knew from fest, not wrapped up in it, and making her fuck me over. Not that i MADE her fuck me over.... just dont know if she was actually capable of anything else.
I make such a mess of things. Seems i always make a mess of things. When i get angry i make a mess of things. When i am nice i make a mess of things. When i welcome someone in i make a mess of things. i am just a total fuckup except for with distant people not close to me, and with work. All the time being a self-righteous moralizing holythanthou goodygoody. what an ass.
Anyhowz you can see what a good night i am having. Doubtless it will get better. That is the thing about being 40. you know it gets better then worse then better then worse.
Tomorrow i am supposed to perform. i havent practiced, i feel like shit and i am now behind on my work from going to the movie tonight, having a beer and crying and crying.
goodnight. for. now.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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