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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 4:12 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Slingblade review, Hajib and Azoospermia

once again the day has slipped away... seems i have all the time in the world then... pooof! it is 4am!!

I just finished up my US contract...i had thought to send it today but had 8 little drawings not yet done... i called and the guy said he isnt even going to be in to receive the work tomorrow. So i will send it tomorrow to arrive on Wed instead. As a result i didnt rush around all afternoon but instead went over to JXX's house and munched on brie, fougasse aux olives, fresh tomatoe and basil salad, pistachios and grapes. not bad huh! talked a bit about brothers, a bit about religion... we discussed if it would be disrespectful or not for me to wear a muslim headdress out on the street... if it is cultural appropriation, or a social experiment... i want to wear it with the rosaries and see if i am just treated normally, or differently. A sort of counterpart to the differing reactions from my regular hair or my femme blonde long hair.

I will have to think more on the muslim headdress question. Anyone want to put in their two cents worth, leave me a note. Seems like a handy thing to wear when i havent washed my hair tho!!! Here is an interesting article on a girl in an Ohio school having problems because of wearing the hajib

Well, no bad reactions to having called ob and sent her the Detroit website link. No "hey, dont call me/email me anymore". so i am going to stop stressing on it and just relax.

Still need to do a second page on my brother's webpage and also want to do a page about infertility. I can see from my site statistics that no one is really clicking on my "link" pages, so will have to incorporate the links into the subject pages... ie the fetish links on the fetish pics page, the performers' links on my performing page, the suicide links on my brother's page, infertility and lesbian parenting links on an infertility page... at least then when people are interested in a topic, they can continue on that topic by launching from the page in question. hmmmm. I guess I could put the photographers' and botany links on my sexy flowers photo page. Also must work on the page about blocked over windows and another on graffiti. Hmmm, imagine being behind these windows, bricked in... very Edgar Allen Poe. And this is the fish that is all over my neighborhood... reminds me of theTurtls in Detroit...

Hah! All these projects and no work on a professional illustration page... tho maybe i'll put the link here for people who are interested in my illustrations.

Talking about infertility... strange news tonight from my friend Bin... turns out he found out three weeks ago he has no sperm in his semen! He and his girlfriend had been trying nearly two years to get pregnant and so went to get checked out. He was stunned, cuz of course who thinks their semen has no sperm in it!!! He seems to be taking it really well, and he and his girlfriend have already looked into some adoption agency where they place children from broken/problem homes and if it works out you can adopt. They are buying a new house with a room for a kid specifically for that... moving in two or three months. And here i am nearly 3 years after finding out i'm infertile and i still havent reconciled with adopting. i must admit that not having a partner is a big "hic"... i feel already a bit overwhelmed by what i take on and unlike being pregnant, dont know that i am willing to change my whole life to adopt... it would be so from one day to the next sudden change... no nine months of body changes to get ready... by the time you are 9 months pregnant you are already usually exhausted, going to bed early, not going out dancing, having a wild sex life (haha, i wish!! ... actually no, i dont... not even interested right now)... and then after you give birth you want to cocoon as much as the baby i would imagine.

Also, I am just terrified of an adoption not working out... or fostering... losing the kid to the real parents. Or having a child with multiple problems, and having to be self-employed, single, a landlord, and be alone with a sick kid trying to do everything myself... earn a living, walk the dog, take the kid to hospital or therapy, etc etc. I only manage to get the dishes washed once a week as is.

Well, back to Bin... wow. wow. I said, gee, i understand how weird it is... you feel healthy, in great shape, look like a perfect physical specimen, and then suddenly you find out your body does not function in this invisible way, and a way you'd always staked your future on. So weird. And it is so invisible to everyone, yourself included. The invisible grief. No dead babies to put on webrings. No chemotherapy for people to ask about. No ribbons on your lapels. Infertility is a weird weird thing.Even the desert and the moon LOOK barren!!! We just look like healthy normal sexy people. gllll.

Well, enough on that... i am going to, ridiculously enough, start watching the movie Slingblade, with Billy Bob Thornton... i've seen it before and loved it. "I like how you talk"... "I like how you talk too"... in their Southern drawls. Fascinating film. Here's part of a very good review:

Slingblade is that rarest of beasts in the 1990s, an art house movie. I'll make it clear from moment one, this film is not for everyone. It's dark, complex, subtle and genuinely horrifying, so if any of those concepts turn you off, head for a different screen. There's nothing cartoony, no cinematic short cuts and no excuses made for the demands it places on the audience. However, genius need make no excuses and that's precisely what it is: genius. ..........

In the well-established genre of Southern Gothic, this is one of the defining moments. Everyone knows what Southern Gothic means, all inbreeding and quiet slaughter in Western civilization's dirty backwoods, but Tom Waites summed it up perfectly in one line on his album Bone Machine. There's always some killing to be done on the farm.


Thornton manages to maintain the audience's fascination throughout a process that they already understand: for it is not the end destination but the meanderings on the route that enthrall.....That's not horror in a gory, Dario Argento way, but in the dictionary sense of dread fulfilled.

... read the rest of the review HERE....

Music tonight: "Last Man in the World" by Loudon Wainwright III
Good review HERE

Reading todaynone... went to movie "The Politics of Fur"... more on that later... in the meanwhile, Review HERE mygod it is 5:19 am... this is not quite the time to begin to watch a movie! Maybe tomorrow afternoon???!!!EEEK! goodnight sweet wenchie. sleep tight.

Here is my horoscope for Monday, September 29:
Issues of self-worth make the biggest noise. People in sensitive positions should think twice about their fitness for duty. Beneath the stars, Leo is unusually susceptible to strong feelings.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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