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music: rocks rattling in my stomach

reading: instructions for Math 3 illo

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Friday, Oct. 03, 2003 - 1:04 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Deletions and Downing

Fucking goddam shit. Sorry if this is a family venue.

I just wrote a long long entry.. was just ready to click "save", and then clicked instead on the "change format of optional fields" to put a quote... and that erased my whole fucking entry. DAmn and shit and little goddam fishes.

Now i was ready to go do some work. So dont feel at this very moment like rehashing every fucking thing that happened today... what a sorry waste. I shall never do that again... gllll. An hour of writing and it disappeared. Wish there was a "save and continue" feature... but there isnt. Well, tuff shit if anyone is reading this and hoping for an interesting entry... it was rambling but kinda nice. gllll.

bye for now.

me, frustrated.

3:12 am Well, i am sort of working... so far i have sketched in all the terrariums, aquariums and fish bowls required... slowly adding goldfish, turtle, kittens etc. Sort of fun. sort of.

I really wish i hadnt lost my previous entry. Was feeling fine, tho a bit stressed about my Dad visiting in two days... my god, gotta clean the house. It was an entry called Two Degrees and Two Days til Dad. I thought that was kinda fun.

Now i am drawing and listening to 8 Mile Soundtrack and being missing of ob. I so miss having travelling to see her to look forward to. I imagine us in bed watching this movie together, the fun she had pointing out scary parts of detroit and getting me to pose in front of the 8 Mile road sign before the movie was out. I felt so included, and we had such a good time together. No stress, just hanging out. Having fun in so many many different ways. Now i can hardly find someone to hang with for an hour or two. Let alone a real friendship. Bumping into people here and there. A ten minute chat before a movie. An hour over a beer with someone else two weeks later. No continuity. I know so many people, and have absolutely no one to share anything with really. I tell people what i'm up to, and it is just like reporting, not sharing joint interests or books, or time. Doing something TOGETHER with someone, even if it is as silly as watching some girl sing a polish song in a bead shop. Or whatever language it was she sang. But it was going there together and sharing it, and then leaving together. Do i ever do anything TOGETHER with anyone? no. I show up and they show up and i go home and they go home. I am so tired sometimes of going to things by myself. I can tell people about the film i saw. Or the book i read. Or the restaurant i ate in. Or the trip i took. But what the fuck. It is my life and they are not in it. I want to share things with someone, not AFTER the fact. Reporting on my own life. I miss ob so much sometimes. Other times i am just back in my life. Doing flamenco. Doing my performance. Looking on the internet. Doing my contracts. But then when i see other people it is show and tell, and i feel like a 5yr old asking for attention.

What to do together with people? Go to play parties by myself. Buy toys that sit at home. Even Knife hasnt found time to get anything shaved with my razor. Hah. What is the point of practicing bondage when you forget it before you meet anyone to use it on? I guess i could go over to Slave C's... he called the other night and i didnt get the message til real late, so havent called back. Yeah right. Some straight guy who wants to pay me $. That is prostitution, not sharing. hah. At least it is getting my boots polished, not having sex. Hah. getting paid to let someone polish my boots. Boy the camaraderie is stifling. I am isolated and lonely living in a big city filled with people. Inside my chest and stomach i feel like a hole filled with rocks. How did it come to this. Why did ob desert me. I dont know i dont know. I was not what she wanted. I am so so sad.

AAAGH, my other entry was at least interesting! ... it will be only two degrees celcius tonight. Cold. so sad.

3:36 am Boy that is a depressing entry. Jeez. Let me never lose an entry again so that i write something new later. My head gets emptied of all the interesting things the first time i write and then it just goes into self-pity.

Wish i had some cool links to put here. My camera is broken. Called today about the estimate.. it's been two weeks. They screwed up and had put it on a shelf for cameras under warranty so hadnt looked at it. (it's 14 years is NOT under warranty)I got angry. Incredibly then they managed to call back with a proper estimate in only a couple hours. It will cost $120 plus tax, and take about 10 days. I will have no camera for my father's only visit in three years. Agh. Already i missed it so much. Want to be taking fall pics of flowers. Of graffiti and other things. Keeps my head busy on my repetitive dogwalkies. It will now be 8 years i am walking the dog in the same square of about half hour in any direction. Twice a day. No wonder i liked going to Detroit and SF. AT least then when i came back it had been a week or two since the last time i played pull-the-leash in the same park. I should get a car more often and go on the mountain or somesuch. But then an hour walk turns into "reserve the car, walk to the car, cover seat with blanket, drive up the mountain, walk for an hour, return the car, fill out paperwork, carry blanket home"... ie not something to do everyday. I should make more of an effort tho. Unfortunately dogs are not allowed in the cemetary. I would go up there and take photos. Hah. Dog not allowed. Camera out of order. No ob to send photos to. More nice photos to sit in boxes.

I imagine all the different lonely people in the world taking photos, writing diaries, writing novels and opinions, making meals, painting, all kinds of creative things, with no one to appreciate it. Sure you can publish your novel... if you are very lucky you will have a book tour and get to sit at a table signing books for people lined up. You will see each one for approximately 3 minutes. They dont know you, but they love your book. They will tell you it changed their life. But you dont know them and they dont know you.

Or you can show your paintings in a gallery. You work for two to five years, and the paintings will hang on the wall for two weeks. Some of your friends will see them. And some strangers. Maybe a few will write a sentence in the guestbook. Then you will take the paintings down and they will pile up against the wall. Maybe you can clip the review from the newspaper and send it to your mom in another city to make her proud.

And for those who dont publish or get shown, they can annoy the odd friend or coworker by offering to show their vacation photos. hah.

There are too many people. Producing too many things. Too many cds and too many zines and too many books... they will be out of print in 5 years cuz what bookstore or distributor can keep up with the volume. Too much, too many, and too scattered. And even the "stars" of the world are lonely. Hah.

Boy oh boy... i am getting not so much cheerier. I should stop it. I draw great drawings... people like them. Though not enough people to earn me any real royalties. I draw comics people like... though not enough people to actually earn any money. And like the Anyways book says... if you succeed you will win real enemies and fake friends. hah. Remember the cute little dykes fawning over "the creator of liliane" a few years back. I just felt as lonely and stupid.

Some people do have friends that are IN their lives... that drop by and hang out and comfort them, and giggle and share things. Some people do have families that are close. Some people do have lovers and partners and soul mates. Look at Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon in that film... working together for social change for the past 50 years! Maybe it can happen. But that is the problem... when i meet someone and we get along i think... hey finally! and as we get closer i think we are building something. That we will be eventually old friends. or business partners or play partners.

Not to denigrate my old friends. But they are all distant people rather. People who are supportive but for the most part dont share much with me other than being supportive. Which of course is important. But when we dont share baking tips, or play tips, or in fact anything except our "whats up now?" experiences over the phone... lonely. Where is my ob? gone. another one gone.

I should write country songs... my dog done la la... (better not say that! at least i have a DOG!!).... later.

Here is my horoscope for Thursday, October 2:

There's still room for conflicting schools of thought. Debate is healthy, although you should be aware of whether you're arguing against logic or faith. Personal rivalry looks silly when you're the only one playing.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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