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Music today:The Golden Hits of Lesley Gore (best to clean house!)

Reading today White reporter at Le Journal de Montreal gets thrown out of a bar that doesnt allow black patrons

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Oct. 04, 2003 - 2:59 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Tipping the Velvet and Dad in One Day

Click here to go to erotic poem

Where does the day go? 3am... i wish i could write 3pm... it would feel about right.

Thank god i passed the vacuum (yes i have been living in Quebec too long... we don't vacuum, we pass the vacuum) before i went to the movie tonight. Twas way too late afterwards to do so... Didnt finish doggywalkies til 1:30. Now attempting to sort papers and send some to the recycling bin.

Today feeling unsettled. Why do i compare myself with others? Tonight in the movie, the rich sadistic lesbian dominatrix in the movie was having her 40th birthday... and i feel a child beside her (though a nicer child... she was a nasty spoiled piece), and the main characters are played by actresses who are 25 and 27. Seems funny that at 40 I should finally be getting over stagefright, thinking "hey, i could perform!" All those years stumbling around miserably trying to disappear, work as many hours as possible, and being angry at myself and society. Yay for lack of self-esteem!!

Have hidden my sm books in the back row, thinking that there is "not hiding my life" and "splaying it wide open for daddy to gawk at"... i think that having dildos visible from the hallway, and lesbian sm safety manuels laying next to the cd player is the latter. I also asked him if he wanted to go out tomorrow night when he arrives, and he said no, so i will not be faced with the decision to take him to the Funhouse. Tonight N was trying to suggest other places to take him... Cleopatra's (which is a drag bar... why i'd take him there and not the Funhouse i dont know), a jazz bar, a place called Else's... basically all these places i dont frequent myself and wouldnt know what to expect. Seems more of a hit and miss than just daring to take him to my regular haunt. I wouldnt dress wildly of course, and i must say the Funhouse is more often dull than crazy insane as far as fetish and play goes. I guess we'll just stay in and chat and have a cuppa tea. Apparently he drinks tea now and is on the Atkins' Diet so doesnt do carbohydrates. Guess it's ok i dont feel like cooking... he says at home his wife and he now cook separate meals cuz of his diet. hmmm I would feel sad, but then i guess they HAVE been married now since i'm 16... ie 24 years. Wow.

I was thinking of that today while vacuuming. My fear has always been to be "like my father"... ie verbally abusive, have my kids afraid of me, my wife leave me, friendly and helpful to strangers and a distant bastard at home... which is how he was when i was young. And ironically he has had two families, of which the second he seems to have done better, and has been married first 12 years and then 24 years. My gosh.

My worst fear should be being "like me", where i am 40 and havent had a relationship last more than 2 1/2 years... and even then i'd say it was successful for 6 months. Although i have had relationships that were miserable but committed, for 2years, and another that was sort of happy but not committed, for 9 months, and yet another that was peachy keen for 9 months but only committed for the last two when it seems we were already on our way to falling apart. No family. No kids. What a dismal mess. Maybe i should try to be more like my father... hah!

Though now he is pretty nice. Havent had any problem with him to speak of now for about 4 or 5 years, incredibly. And i am looking forward to his visit, tho not sure how it will fit into my "go to bed at 6am, up at 1:15pm" schedule! He shall be hammering away, sawing and ripping up wood prob starting at 10am (thank god he is coming from 3 time zones away, so that will be like 7am to him!! ) He will be arriving tomorrow nite. hmmm. He is bringing pickled herring. This is a good thing. :)

Tonight i saw the movie "Tipping the Velvet", which is actually a 3 hour set of BBC miniseries. Amazing that Tony Blair can be chums with George Bush, and the national tv in Britain produces salacious lesbian drama. The BBC would be burnt at the stake for such material if it were the American state tv, publicly funded!!! Here is an article about homosexuality on tv in the UK...(actually the last page. To start the on "homepage" at the bottom of the article.)

I can tell you it is quite amusing, but very melodramatic with NOT a light touch.. when the girl is down, it is like a 50's B horror flick... the blood so screamingly red (even after 3 days it was shiny), music like something from Sat am cartoons for kiddies in its despair. And when it was romantic, flying red roses, violins and heart shaped cutouts.

What was wild was the subjects it touched on so lovingly... and in great detail... the main character's love for a performer who dresses as a man, their sexual relationship, her stint as a rent boy (older gentlemen apparently love a young man with a pretty face), getting picked up and living with a rich older lesbian dominatrix as her toy for a year... We hear the words "cock" several times, and "fuck" for instance, as well as the visuals: really quite wild for cinema, let alone made-for tv.

I of course, cried through the first half of the film... the parts where the two women are just incredible pals, becoming performers together, and then the one gets totally betrayed by the other when she loves and trusts her implicitly. And then when she doesnt want to go out or eat for a month. And then the whole bit where she is taken in to be the toy of that other domme... all those snarky debauched women with their "boys", trying to outdo eachother in having the most desirable pieces of ass to themselves. Aquisatory i think one website called that domme. yes. Feel like buying a copy and sending it to ob, "see here, this is what you are doing... you think they love you... they just want to own you, they want to show you off, they want to control you... and it will make you lonely and miserable, cuz you are not their equals, and if you think you are, they will cut you down to size or throw you out". So exciting and lovely to start with. So degrading and depressing in the end. Hmmm, i can see i still have a lot of anger and snarkiness and broken heart.

So wishing we could be the "fun friends" she kept saying she wanted... but that she threw away like a discarded toy when a new toy was offered her. Trading up, someone said.

Oh well, i guess each knows what she wants. Or not.

You know i so miss calling up ob to tell her about things like this film.

Other news... some quick little thing i jotted off the top of my head is going to be webpublished at The Dominant's View, which is quite funny, since it is "the color of submission is..."... someone who is the fiction editor loved it, and has put spacing to turn it into a poem. Maybe i'll shove it here (minus the fancy spacing) since i have copyright:

The color of the day is golden fall sun on bronzed-skin kissed with ripples of dove cloud flickering across my brow, darkened with showers of memories pinching a heart washed up on shore, little precious silver bits glinting among gray green strands of decomposing hopes.

The color of submission is breathy peach tinged with blush pink listening with clear glass eyes mirroring the outside world of your desires and orders.

The color of submission is tiny white hairs raising on goosebumped skin alert to the slightest input.

The color of submission is pink tinge flushed out by pulsing red scarlet beating to thick velvet wine thick as blood surging through dilated arteries.

The color of submission is shards of hot fuschia flashing with lightning hot white pain cutting through the velvet wine, doubling me over.

The color of submission is warm glow golden washing over tired veins going purple and black as I come down.

The color of submission is clear water rinsing the world anew as I lie calm after the storm.

The color of wet and squirmy is viscous and slippery, albumin creamy and pale with prickly green thorns in my nerves on every side.

The color of wet and squirmy is engorged pinkred like watermelon raw liver sliding over itself searching for caress.

The color of wet and squirmy is gray plush and black satin against my thighs and inner arms as thick purple air inflates heavy breathing in anticipation of more.

there you have it. it is cuz we were on some listtopic like "why do people write to the list to unsubscribe, instead of following the instructions?" and I said, "ignore them and let's go on to another topic like the color of the day, the color of submission, the color of wet and squirmy"... Someone obligingly wrote "do tell"... so i did! LOL!

There. Now i shall go wash the dishes.


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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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