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music:"Waterloo" pa svensk, by Abba

reading:names of plants on labels at the botanical gardens

Quote of the day: "True Crime"

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Monday, Oct. 06, 2003 - 2:13 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Chip off the ol block in drag

You represent... hope.
You represent... hope.

You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, there is my Quizilla results. I really am boggled that when the answer options are so limited (i mean "what is your favorite color"... there was no "blue" (only deep blue) and there was no "sun yellow" only "pink and yellow"... which i could NOT pick... and "what do you do on weekends"... there was no "work, dress up in fetish clothes and go out to catch the last 2 hrs before bar closinig, work, then garden")... anyhows, that when the answer options are so limited, i end up with really "ok, that pretty much is true" results. On a questionnaire with like 7 questions again... hah!

Have to get some work done... a pic of fruit and vegetables for a math book. It is past 2am, and Dad just went to bed... had a good day... breakfast/coffee, dogwalkies, went to the botanical gardens... amazingly that worked out with our schedule and their opening hours so we got to see both the greenhouses (he told me about all the different orchids), and the outside gardens including the Chinese lantern display as the sun was setting. Lovely.

We had a huge salad for supper, and just got into a couple little weird things... but totally worked them out. Somehow he has become a REAL person, not a defensive, bitchy, closed, person... but REAL in the sense we talk totally honest and straight from the heart. I gave him the "amen" word as what to say when i "go on and on" and "get totally worked up" and talk too loud about something i am relating. He said i "shouldnt still be so angry" when i was speaking about an ex from 3 years ago... speaking of control issues re changing the cat litter!!... :)... and i said i hated that, being told if i SHOULD or SHOULDNT feel a particular way. He said, well I dont think i should have to listen when you get worked up, and i agreed, and said, yes, i do that... and gave him the "amen" to say when it do it next time.

I cannot believe how reasonably the whole thing went. I cannot believe how he has changed, and how i have changed, and how sane it is!! No fighting, blaming, getting defensive, lingering bad feelings or resentment... just laying it on the line.

It is a bloody miracle. This is the ogre of my childhood, the one who reduced me to tears on a regular basis, the one i hated and was angry about for over 25 years. And i am proud of both of us. It just goes to show if you stick to your guns (i stopped speaking to him several times for years, i laid my life out in front of him even when he was shaming and disapproving, i demanded apologies when he was hurtful...) and at the same time are open to someone changing, accepting apologies, being open to him when he DID become nicer, and made an effort to know me, and communicate, that eventually it is possible to have a good result. It is a bloody miracle i tell you.

The mantra of my childhood from everyone around me is "that man will never change. He has no desire to change"... and now he does desire change and is working on it in a positive active manner. I am so amazed, in a "wow, this is comfortable and real" kind of way.

So, we discussed my mother and where she is at with dealing with me, with her issues, etc. He spoke with me about how sad he is that he never got to say to my brother that he was sorry to be a bad dad when he was a kid. That he never got a chance to make it up to him or get to know him like he is doing now with me. And it wasnt self-pitying, it was real and simple. Wow.

Anyways, didnt get much done workwise, or anything in the yard. But a good day. And amazing to see how much we have in common. Makes me feel less alone in the world. To see how he has ideas that he goes for, like me. That he is interested in art, and politics, and food and psychology. He kept snapping shots at the botanical gardens, and even had a little macro attachment to his lense to take pics of flowers... and that is so funny, since i take so many pics. Of course he was like that during my childhood... lots and lots of photos.

When we got home, we looked through photos... he showed me ones of him dressed up in drag at Halloween last year! Too funny! all made up with a wig and a dress and totally unrecognizable. So i showed pics of ME dressed in drag at Halloween last year... it was fun.

Spent the whole evening looking at photos and sharing.

Well, that is it for now. Maybe i'll add to this later. Right now gotta color in the veggies!!


3:35 am

"True crime....... it piles up details, granting the illusion that you can "tell" what makes a villain tick, that you can define deviance in contrast to some arbitrary norm. But true crime is always, at bottom, about the lack of such knowledge: criminal rationale remains opaque, evil remains incomprehensible, the world still seems random. "

This delectable and true tidbit of a quote comes from an excellent review by Cynthia Fuchs of the movie Fargo, which was released on special edition DVD in Fargo ND on Sept 25... along with a statue of Frances McDormand as Marge, the pregnant cop... my heroine. Excellent news allround. And such a true quote. mmmyum.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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