Music today:Y'all... Y'allology
reading today: none... watched Bowling for Columbine
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Saturday, Oct. 11, 2003 - 1:49 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
The End Comes Just In Time
Click Here to skip rant about Dad:
aaagh... (hey, I think it's been at least a day or two since I last began an entry with AAAGH!)..
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| Half-finished iguana |
It's up there with the beloved "yes, dear", that he used to give to my mom, with a sort of sneer, when he though she was being stupid. The sort of "i pick my battles and you are not worth my time. I'll just live (unhappily) with a choice I didnt want." He did the same thing with his mother whenever she had a familial or political opinion he didnt agree with.
I am sure he sees himself as "not arguing", "being conciliatory", "being gracious and bowing out". Instead I hear him speak later of these people as "they always have to be right", "they always have to have the last word", "it's not worth saying anything, cuz i'll never get my way anyways", "i can never say anything right". Ie he is angry that the other person has the power to express their opinion, decide what to eat for dinner, where to go at what time, what movie to watch, etc. But he doesnt seem to realize that he has bowed out, passively, and resentfully turning himself into the victim.
Try to get an opinion out of him: "what would you like to eat for dinner?" (i dunno, whatever you want)... and then you suggest something, the upper lip goes up, he looks away, and obviously is not happy about that, so you suggest something else. (no, we'll have your first suggestion, i don't care, it's ok with me).
Well what the fuck do you do? Tell him he's lying through his teeth and it is visible to anyone with eyes and half a brain that he doesnt like suggestion one?... well that is telling him he is lying. nice. Serve suggestion one, and have him pick at it and finally get something else to eat by himself out of the fridge? Insist he actually tell you what he would like to eat? and get into an argument with you wanting to know his desires, and him INSISTING he ALREADY said he DOESNT CARE? Try to mind read by making something completely different?
Funny, he also said he couldnt tell how WE felt when we were kids (i had said why do you think we cried while you talked about our mom? and he said, how should i know?... i guess asking us never occured to him either then nor now), was that HE had NO FEELINGS... he wasnt ALLOWED to have feelings as a child. So he had no feelings.
I said that was funny, cuz I could tell him to this day what he felt half the time when i was a kid. That he was disgusted at such a time, humiliated at such a time, sad and grieving at such a time, angry at such a time, lonely... heck, he broadcast his feelings through tone of voice, body language, behaviour, choice of words etc etc.
Denied his feelings (ie if you said "oh Dad, you're sad, i'll give you a hug... he would get angry and go NO I'M NOT SAD!!, and boy, then where were you? Suddenly he was angry at you instead of sad, and in NO mood for sympathy or a hug... totally screwy) But he certainly had feelings.
I guess the truth is he didnt LIKE his feelings, and so if anyone noticed, it was like accusing him of stealing or beating his child or something, so he just got totally on the attack. urk.
Back to the "how would you like things?"... he'll leave some dish in the sink with water, and it happens to be a handmade dish that cannot be left soaking, so I mention it. I think it is kind of normal that I actually tell someone visiting my house when I would like something done a different way, esp if there is a reason for it. Last night he told me I have a very strong personality and have already decided all the right ways to do things in my house, and he just goes along with it cuz it's not important. And following up with a story about how his wife always has to make him do EVERYTHING HER WAY, and how he feels like he doesnt have a house. (eerily similar to when he had us three kids from our mom, two more kids through marriage... ie 5 kids every bloody weekend, and didnt take the time to get to know any of us... and then said he wanted to have a new baby , cuz he "didnt have any kids")
You see, how it is so obvious he DOES care, and it IS important to him... it makes him feel WRONG, and bothers him. But in the same sentence he tells me obliquely that he doesnt like something, he tells me it's ok, dont change. Craziness.
AAAGH. Now i remember why i grew up feeling like i was wrong when i gave an opinion, wrong when i tried to please, and wrong when i tried to guess.
I guess i just have to accept the ways he has changed, the ways he hasnt, and be happy that now, even though i do feel a bit dismal at times as a result of unsatisfying interactions between us, that at least now I can often SEE that it is passive agressiveness.
Anyways, one more day.
I will have to choose a restaurant, cuz he wants to take me out to a nice restaurant before he goes, which is sweet. But he wont give ANY input as to kind of food, etc. Another trap.
I will think on it.
Back to work. I will scan something in here before I hit the sack tonight to show what I'm up to.
And by the way, balconies look great... he has done a fantastic job, and is now raising the totally midget sink for the tall tenant on the third floor. (and he has mentioned that I am getting a great deal, his time is worth so much, I'm basically getting a whole job for free, but insists on doing it cuz it's fun... aaagh again. There is feeling appreciative, and then there is feeling guilty. I'll try to stick with the first... I can see where I get all these character traits from... I have been accused before of making people feel guilty... more on that later)....
These are not nice people and they don't play nice � that's how they got to be so powerful.
This from Michael Moore, about the NRA, but it could be about just about ANYONE who is "so powerful"... including dommes, eh...from his page on responses to lies propagated about his film Bowling For Columbine. Read the man. See his movies.
Speaking of power and corruption, here is a quote from Charley Reese's article about Edward Said, who died this past week:
One of Said's many valuable lessons, applicable to us all, is that you can defend a cause without buying into bad leaders or resorting to fanaticism. Once we start justifying the means because of what we think is a noble end, we become corrupt. One astute man I know said that people should realize there are no ends, only means. As Brother Dave Gardner would have said, that's a heavy thought, but the more you think about it, the more you realize that it's true.Said believed that what divided the world was not religion, ethnicity or nationalism, but rather the will to power, that itch in some to control others and, in order to control them, to degrade them.
We are, whatever else, all members of the same human species, all occupying the same planet. God willing, maybe one day we will arrive at a consensus that the real enemy is those people itching to control others and their possessions. Such people always hide behind the "idealistic end," which, of course, never arrives. All that is real is the suffering inflicted by the means....
Yes, it is not getting straight A's from your sub or your domme, but the way you deal with the world and other people to get there.
3:26 am (Friday night)...
Yes, I am surfing the internet instead of drawing. But the drawings ARE going well... need to have three drawings done for Wed, and two are done, and the third is more than halfway there. Nice. Now let's just forget the other 55 I have to sketch...
veggies for Grade 3 Math In the meantime, we bring you this:
"Several times I've heard television journalists complain that Howard Dean has to learn to control his temper. Actually, it is his temper that I find attractive.An honest man with sincere convictions will get angry when he hears lies.......
You don't see other candidates getting angry because they are all phonies. Their so-called convictions are just campaign positions manufactured by their staffs. They don't really believe in anything except getting elected, so they really don't care what is said. They are like trial lawyers. They are interested only in scoring points and winning. There's nothing personal, and the truth simply doesn't matter.
Whether you agree with him or not, Howard Dean actually believes in his convictions. He is a genuine man. An honest, genuine man will not suffer fools lightly, nor will he stand around like a dummy with a phony smile on his face while he hears himself lied about.
I probably would not agree with Dr. Dean on all of his positions, but I certainly trust him...."
That is thanks to Charley Reese.... And I just like that sentiment, whether or not I give a fig about Howard Dean... Yes, people with honest and sincere convictions GET ANGRY!! Imagine that!
There is so much talk in this world about minding your own business, about not trying to "save the world", about "not taking things personally", about "things only bother you if you let them"... as if getting angry were horrid. As if thinking about anything outside your own little world is just self-indulgent meddling. "Why get angry?" I hear so often? "It doesn't affect you personally".... or "It's nothing personal". Funny, but the fact that something is not personal does NOT make it OK. If you just hate fags, or blacks, or men in "skirts", or women, or or or , it is not personal if you dont give one of them a job, an apartment, an ear, but it is WORSE, not better. It is unjust. And to just say "life is not fair", as if one should just swallow every unjust thing and not let it ruffle your feathers, or you're not fun, or you're a drama queen etc etc is just a cop-out.
More people should be angry. Michael Moore is angry.
Perhaps it is just necessary to make good art to express that anger. Or back up your convictions with actions.
Tonight Dad showed me a movie about a guy named Ted Ohlsen, who has been blind since the age of 22 in 1960, and who has built and runs a wilderness/fishing vacation camp in Northern Saskatchewan. Quite frankly amazing. He does everything himself pretty much, including building, repairing motors etc. Blind. Very inspiring. Must get off my ass and get more "implicated" as one says.
Must call the School of the Blind here in Montreal to see if I can help teach art classes or somesuch (the blind thing is a coincidence... my friend L has already given me a contact at the school a month ago...), and rearrange my studio so I may use it to teach. Hmmmm.
Didnt one of the quotes yesterday say somesuch as "the remedy to grief is action"? mmm. Back to work.
Here is your horoscope for Friday, October 10:
A current employer or a prospective lover gives you the chance of a lifetime. Unwrap a hidden talent. Change your opinion. Fun and profit have never been more closely entwined.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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