Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Oct. 23, 2003 - 4:36 a.m.

Second entry for today. Wednesday night to me. Thursday am to diaryland... silly thing it is.

I nearly finished a whole page for Bear... it really is coming along. It will progress very quickly in the end, as I will have the same things to do on every page... ie the Writer character's clothes, and the persian carpet. As I fill those in on one page after another, it will come together. What I have been working on is many disparate pages... the Switzerland scene, the Venise scene, the Arctic scene... each one so separate in subject matter and coloring-in. This seldom happens in a book, since usually scenes are repeated in a story. But here Bear visits different places around the world, once each. It is rather relaxing, since the only repeat character between these scenes is Bear. I never have to worry that an object in one page will clash in color or background in another page. Less worry about continuity as well. Just the Writer pages need to have continuity in background objects and coloring. It is a relief.

I think i will finish on schedule. But when I get the ok to do the other US finals... zoom zoom.

I may have a new contract in the states. I think the pay for the amount of work is ok. But they want to have the finals on a Monday. This is a problem, since for them to arrive THERE on a Monday, I must finish them the previous Thurs nite, in order to send Fedex on Friday. And when I looked at the available time to ok their deadline, I factored in the weekend to work on it. If it is sent Monday, instead of arriving Monday at their office, I have three entire whole extra days to work on it. Must discuss in the am.

The other problem may be that their contract they sent me to look over says they don't give credit. They are paying work for hire, and that means for the price (which is quite minimal considering), they get complete and utter forever for everywhere copyright. Now that is one thing. That is really quite common for educational work. But to get that for a low price, AND get no credit line when the work is reproduced is basically theft with a bribe if you ask me. It doesnt cost them anything really, to put my name beside the artwork, or inside the front cover or some such. I doubt they would produce the book without giving themselves credit.

I really really hate having to call people on things that they shouldnt even TRY to get away with. All the other contract conditions, such as deadline extension if they cause delays, and a kill fee if they decide not to publish, are all great and totally above average. And then they try to get away with not giving credit. poop and shit. I HATE having to make a phone call to bring this up. Oh well, thus is the joys of being a self-employed subcontractor. Now where is ob when I need her... that was one of the things she so happily vowed she wanted to be for me... my contract negotiator.

At least the girl knew WHAT to cajole and jerk me around with... things i really want and need. Deep Sigh.

Anyhewz, see what happens when i actually WORK... i write about WORK. hah.

New topic... My results for the emotional iq test on emode were not as dismal as I expected. But they are believable. My emotional IQ is 124, meaning i scored higher than 95% of other test takers. Agh.

The unfortunate thing is that I am very high in perception ( 9/10)... ie I "get the hint" very fast from nonverbal cues... and pick up all the little subtleties. Now it also says that this is not always good, as I may get the cue but misread it... ie, notice when they roll their eyes or look at their watch... but they may be thinking something I am unaware of, or checking the time, NOT fed up with me, for instance. Yes. Thus my "overly sensitive" label I get alot.

I got 8/10 for expressing my emotions... it also says this may be seen as weakness is people who think that rational is better than emotional. It also says I will probably try to clear up emotional things by addressing them, since I recognize that suppressing them will breed resentment and cause bigger problems in the future. Yup. And that is seen as a pain in the fuckin butt by people who want to AVOID AVOID AVOID.

Hmm, what the page says about the need to feel all emotions and the need to balance them out (ie feel the negatives with the positives...they will tell us alot) is pretty right on. hmmm. I know some people who could use being made to read this over and over til they get it.

I got 7/10 for empathy, which apparently is pretty good, but I need to make an effort to understand that I may not have ALL the information behind someone's actions and thus cut some slack and be less critical sometimes. It says my challenge will be not to interrupt people to say what I think and feel. Yup Fair enough. But I would offer that I TOO often cut TOO much slack cuz understand, and the result is that I get hurt. urk.

And HERE TADA is the BIG WHAMMY!!! I only got 3/10 on the emotional management scale. Yup... I KNEW somewhere along with all this "more emotional intelligence than 95% of the people" there would be a whammy, cuz I am just a social and relationship fuckup. There is nothing that drives me crazier than being emotionally sensitive, understanding, empathic, and all that shit, and then I go and FUCK UP. All it takes is ONE outburst of tears, anger, criticism, frustration, and there goes a perfectly lovely relationship with a friend, lover, neighbor, etc. yup. Then I become that lovely girl who just MAY become instantly unpleasant.

Anyhewz it says that I need to learn to control how long I feel things (big surprise there), and what I do with the feelings. It says managing my emotions and taking care of my psychological self are critical life skills. uhhuh. and I got 3/10. Me the intelligent fuckup. aaagh.

Anyways, it seems from the test results that I am good at seeing things like "concealed irritation". And I irritate A LOT. And then I react to that rather than the people fakely smiling at me. I isolate. I try to be nicer. I talk more. I explain. I feel like no one really likes me. Cuz i can see when they are only being polite and then I cringe and feel horrid and stupid and pointless. Which makes me defensive and angry and/or just wanting to get out of there cuz WHO WANTS to make people irritated or embarrassed, or at a loss for words. Not me.

Anyhewz all these words. I spent my dogwalkies crying in the park again. I approached the two women walking their dogs while I was practicing my castanets. I held out the castanets to let Dog A see them, cuz i could see said dog was fascinated. But instead of letting the dog see (normal, cuz i was holding them out) the woman kept jerking on the dog's leash and going bad bad... and I said "hey, let her see, i'm holding them for her to see"... and she said "i was jerking her cuz i know you don't like her to jump on you". And she just seemed totally peeved that I was not happy that she was jerking her dog around. And I was peeved that I was trying to be nice to her dog (whom I know and see everyday by the way) and she was jerking it away and saying NO BAD DOG when the dog was NOT being bad. And then the other woman said "Mary, i'm going to walk a bit". So, Mary goes to join her, and i am left there. Doggy didnt get to see what made the funny noise. Mary was angry. I was feeling misunderstood. And Dog B owner, whom I also know, hadnt even acknowledged my presence.

So now, they were walking, and obviously it was to get Mary and her dog A away from me and my dog. They stopped about 300 feet away and stayed there. So. how did i feel. Suddenly I know two people and their dogs in the park. They have walked away. I felt so obviously and blatantly rejected and ignored. I couldnt walk with. My dog was isolated since if I went over so she could play, I would be there as persona non grata. And how do i react the next time? Sometimes the most stupid little inconsequential interactions make me just want to drop in a hole and die forever. Being 40 is worse than grade school.

I cannot believe how much I am writing. Verbal diarrhea. I doubt anyone will get to here. This is what I sound like in real life. Explaining situations to the tiniest detail. Hating myself. Seeing the whole thing and not having ANY clue how to fix it now. Being uncomfortable and sad and lonely. And then blabbing too much. I could go back and edit. But what the fuck. This is my diary. (see there comes the defensive stand now... grrrr... I must admit I just wanted to walk up to those women and just hit them. Like a three year old in the playground.)

AAAGH and double aaagh... I may have PAID for those results... I dont know... it says "paidresult.jsp" at the top of the URL, though at no point did it tell me a price, or ask for a method of purchase. I will stay out of there til my next visa bill and if they have charged me I will kill them. yes kill them.

Do you think that counts as emotional control?

I am going to sign off now. If you want to see how dismally flogging my past I was earlier tonight you can go to the previous entry.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009

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