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Friday Five from June 20

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003 - 6:00 p.m.

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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

The Ceiling of Talent/ addicted to love

AAAGH and double triple quadripled aaaagh!!!

I got sucked into another one of those emode tests. This one is what your TRUE TALENT is... and for some reason it said 1) verbal, and then 2) spacial. So I decide to look at the whole results.

I got 10/10 in verbal, spacial, mechanical, abstract reasoning, and numerical ability. I got 8/10 on organizational skills. So i'm thinking... well, at least my organizational skills are below average... but no it says "you are highly organized and efficient, more than most everyone".

Well what the fuck kind of help is all that to helping me on my true career where I will be happy and satisfied? This is no more helpful than if I got 3/10 on absolutely everything. It means their test is too easy, so that i have hit a ceiling on getting all the answers right, and thus we cannot in any way see what area would come out in front once I started getting answers wrong.

This is just no help at all. This is like in highschool when I had my English teacher, my maths teacher, my science teacher and my art teacher each telling me I had a great career in their area if I went ahead and studied that in university. Yeah right. So much help in choosing. That is like choosing which is the best answer to which is 6: 12 divided by 2, two times 3, 4 plus 2, or 7 minus 1. Fuck. I guess it is wonderful because no matter which answer you choose you cannot go wrong. But if someone says "which is the best answer", you can just sit there and go insane for the rest of your life. Insane I tell you.

fucking paralyzing. aaagh.

No wonder I am a pain in the ass. It tells an anecdote under verbal skills, of someone who basically did really shitty in school cuz they were too bright, and thus were bored. He ended up dropping out and being a janitor in a theater. And there he discovered he was totally drawn to the actors memorizing shakespeare, and turns out he had great visual aptitude, as well as he had been a class clown in school. So he decided to keep his job at the theater to make money, and where he learned all the workings of the stage as a side benefit. And take acting classes during the day.

Hmmm, now this would be me, except that I SLEPT through highschool cuz it was boring (funnily enough last night I ended up by accident ... looking up Saint Juthwara... look her up, what a gas!... thanks Joellen!... I ended up on a grade 6 teacher's website, which had the rules of his classroom. I just kept thinking how I would totally fail. Taking the Lord's name in vain, saying jerk, doing classwork from other classes and reading magazines in his class, giving unsolicited opinions, popping my gum, taking too many bathroom breaks...well, i guess i only do that at home as I drink tea at a clip of about 12 cups a night...).

So, I wonder if there are any jobs that sleeping through boredom can be an asset. Maybe something that takes a lot of waiting.

Actually, the list of possible careers the test gave me did have many things that I annoy people with doing, when it is not my job (book critic or editor, for instance... haha like when I tell an editor what is wrong with the text of a book, or critique the stupid layout that they have shoved my artwork into), as well as many of the things I am currently considering for a direction: .

Here is the whole list:

*Marketing director
*Advertising executive
*Occupational psychologist
*Public relations director
*Book critic
*Sales Agent
*Science writer
*Television or radio announcer

Funny, eh, that I have been thinking of doing more performances, especially a mixture of spoken word and multimedia ( I think I will work on the dirty laundry idea...), thinking of working on community radio, thinking of writing on science and other happenings, as well as opinions expressed in articles or comics, I am into learning Arabic as well as Spanish, but need to put more work into Swedish and German, and like I said, I tend to annoy editors already when I critique the work. My friend nen has suggested I go to law school, and every time I present at a school about being an illustrator, all the adults say "oh you should be a teacher". hmm..

Here I am, stuck with too many choices. too many, and I end up with no real education, direction, and feeling like a diletante. oh well.

Funny what a different entry this ends up being than what I intended before I did that "True Talent" (funny, tests like this never test if you can sing or draw or some such...)...

I got up this morning just feeling like I should be happy with my life as is... settle into my house instead of trying to turn it into a school or a place to foster children or a dozen other things it doesnt seem that suited physical layout speaking, to being. And do more comics. I was thinking what a gift it was last night, Athena saying how much my comics had helped her. And I want to help people, and here I am, and I just ignore and undermine what I already do... and keep looking around trying to be a Mother Theresa somehow.

Well, ChaosX is coming over to get a massage. I was once again hoping to get at least an hour or three of coloring in Bear done before she got over, but have vacuumed the floor, discovered more messes of cat piss (this time on framed drawings that were leaning against the wall, and on boxes of books. aaagh again), looked at my "True Talent", and written this. And speak of the devil here she is. haahahahahaha to think i'd get any work done!

9:32 pm

Well, a nice massage. Though I should set up a room to do massage in, instead of doing it in my kitchen, which might get me to be more professional with friends, and not chatter with them during the massage. That (talking) is a real nono in professional massage. Oh well.

I was talking with her the other day about addiction, since she had a big heroin problem at one point. And I really don't start things I think will control me instead of vice versa.

And then last night I was thinking about me and relationships. And thinking... no that is how one can get started. When i go into relationships, I don't plan (at least the last few) for them to actually be relationships... I think "oh here is a guy I can fool around with while I take a break from my attempting to be a single mother plans... he's safe cuz i'd never get attached... he's such a suburb guy". or about ob I thought "yes, this is fun and it is safe cuz we are just buddies and it is not all emotionally intense, and for once I can have a fun fling with a friend in another country like so many girls at fest seem to do" Famous last words.

Because like the addict, I start off casually. Doing it for the fun kick of the moment. A break from real life. But then cuz it's good, I do it again. And again. until suddenly whoa, I am rearranging my life, and then my finances around it. When I have withdrawal symptoms, I alleviate them by doing more of the same thing. I miss ob, so I visit her more. I visit her more so I become more dependent on her in my life. And then when things fuck up in a totally predictable way... hey, she moves to the other side of the country and devotes herself to her Mme... isnt that EXACTLY what she TOLD me FROM THE VERY START that she would do? But no. I had to believe the little bits that told me things were changing. Cuz I WANTED to believe that I MYSELF was DIFFERENT. I wanted to believe that she was in love with me, and wanted me and was a priority, so every time that there was conflicting evidence I sort of ignored it. Like the guy who thinks he can keep his career and wife and all while doing crack cocaine. And when he misses work one day, or spends his car payment money on the crack, he sort of goes... oh, that was a little hic... I'm really ok, I can do this.

Haha. Then one day he wakes up addicted. And when he gets cut off, there is huge disruption in his life. Emotional and physical pain.

So here I am. And I guess I can see how small things that started out (my fun friend) so fun and entertaining and small end up running amok and ruining lives and breaking hearts. Best done socially once in a very small while I guess.

Though I dont think the analogy works in the end result. IF someone gives up all to be with their drug addiction, they really are just left with a never ending spiral of bodyandmind-fucking drug addiction. And IF i had given up all to be with ob, I would have ended up with a loving girlfriend who inspired me, and shared her life with me, who slept with me and cuddled me, trusted me and cared for me.

I think all the time about how she said "oh my poor baby" when I sent her a scan of me when I poked my eye out and got stitches. And how she was so sad she couldnt be here for me, and how she bought me little bandaids in Chinatown cuz she was thinking of my bobo. And how even though she wasnt here, how all those things... those words and actions, made me feel so loved and cared about, and it did make my bobo feel better. She felt it wasnt enough. That she wasnt here to take care of me. But just having her care made all the difference in the fucking world. I still miss her so so so so very very much. And so so so sad. I didnt mention it, but at the Athena concert I cried at least three times. When the other woman sang a love song, and when she sang a song about someone she trusted who broke her heart. And at the end when Athena's last song was about and to her girlfriend Jesse. I had tears running down my face each time. I saw how Athena and her girl were just so supportive and relaxed together. And that is how I was with my ob. Just relaxed and happy and together. Not stressing about impressing her, though I wanted her to admire me. Not stressing about doing the right thing, cuz I felt she loved me for me already. It was such a wonderful amazing lovely thing. And I miss it miss it miss it. I hope she is ok.

Writing this makes me cry so much.

Outside it is cool and nippy, and wet cuz it poured all day. But it is really nice, sort of quiet after the storm. I must go walk my dog.


11:13pm Here is the Friday Five from June 20, the bad sad day I spent alone waiting for ob, in her room in SF. Cuz it seems there are no Friday Five's on the thumbnail to see me with long hair (not mine! LOL!)

Jun 20, 2003

1. Is your hair naturally curly, wavy, or straight? Long or short? My hair is naturally wavy, with a wavelength of perhaps 6 inches, so if it is about three inches long it sort of curls out in all directions. It is naturally a sort of mousy blond, dull light brown. It used to be blond when I was little. Now it is grey on top. It is a boy cut with hair on top about 3-4 inches long, and on the sides short, tapering to buzzed around my ears and nape.

2. How has your hair changed over your lifetime? Well, it has gotten less blond, and gotten thinner when I was a teenager and depressed and stressed. It used to look good long when I was young, ie under 13, but afterwards it was just thin and limp. As for style, I had it very much cut like this when I was about 3 and then again at 6. It was long off and on. I have had wacky haircuts in university, and at times hennaed it orange, or dyed it blue on top. It has been pretty much short since 1981 or so. Now it is bleached white on the sides and natural on top.

3. How do your normally wear your hair?wash and wear. I do nothing to it. Comb it sometimes when it is not really clean, so it doesnt just stick all limp together. It is short on top and very short on the sides so not much needs to be done. I do have to put in a conditioner now that it is bleached or the bleached part turns into fuzz.

4. If you could change your hair this minute, what would it look like?It would be long and full. I would probably pull it back with a loose braid down my back now, so that when I work it doesnt go in my face or on my drawings. I would often let it loose and flowing down my back and I would flip it out of my face like a horse's mane.

5. Ever had a hair disaster? What happened?I would call most of my adolescence a hair disaster. My hair was thin, and I had long bangs I tried to hide behind. If I washed it too often it became flyaway, especially in the hot dry/cold dry prairies, and clung with static to everything. And if I didnt wash it everyday it was so greasy I was often asked "is your hair wet or just greasy?" It was horrid and humiliating. Then I had another hair disaster. Everyone kept saying that it would look like it had more volume if I cut it shorter and got a perm. So I did. I looked like a sheep with tight curls (that smelled like apple scented perm shit) for a week, looked ok for a week, and then looked like a scrawny bedraggled sheep going limp for another 4 weeks til I could perm it again. It just looked dismal, sort of thin and unsuccessfully curled petering out at the ends. Horrid. Not long afterwards I cut it short boycut and it's been variations of that ever since.

See, how could I NOT answer questions of a topic so close to my envious heart??!! :)

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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