Monday, Dec. 01, 2003 - 3:30 a.m.
Cost of the War in Iraq
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The shortcomings of dilettantism
Accolades. No, not accolades. I get accolades. "you're so talented, what a great book, fantastic comics, beautiful drawings, house full of life, nice garden, good cooking". Yes, accolades. Accolades leave empty. I don't want accolades.
I want to feel I know something in depth. That if I have a conversation with someone or show I know about something, that after the surface was scratched and I have their attention, that I have more. That I know more. That I am confident of my knowledge, or at least of the terrain in which the lack of knowledge is situated. The solid feeling of having depth in something. Not getting the interest, but holding the interest.
Being able to talk with people I admire, but not just catching their mind by having read one book, or knowing one name, or one person, or having done it one time, or having taken beginner classes a month ago, a year ago, a lifetime ago. Being able to continue to catch their mind by being able to discuss in detail.
I feel like a little poof of light and smoke, so people look my way and smile upon me. And then that poof is all there is.
Oh, you do comics!! You must know so and so (yes, but I havent kept up on what they've done in the past 5 years). You must read such and such... (no, I am totally unaware of it... at least I can milk that for a few minutes: "tell me about it please").
Oh, you draw children's books. Here I dont know what to say. Yes. But what do I know? I get asked "what is the word on suchandsuch a press in Montreal?"... I don't know. I read the texts I illustrate. I bookmark the page in the industry magazine where I am mentioned, and it goes in a pile... I don't read all the rest to see who works for whom, who has merged, what new books everyone else has out. I don't know. One of my publishers is a writer, and I didnt even read anything he wrote til last fall... and even then I read about 50 pages and havent picked it up again despite it being funny.
Oh, you dance flamenco!!.. yes for three months now. I don't know any dancers, nor movies, nor music.
Oh, you are into bdsm. Yes, but I go to one bar. I don't have a domme, I don't have a slave, I don't even have a lover. I don't have experience topping, I REMEMBER bottoming... I am not a member of an association. I have never been to a conference or big weekend party. I know lots of people to wave at them. What do I know? Someone writing a book on training asked me where I was trained. I was never trained. Other than Black, with whom I had kinky sex, I have never played with anyone more than 3 times I don't believe. What do I know??
What can I add to a discussion on spirituality in bdsm?? I don't know.
I did massage once. I cannot remember half the moves, though I give a good massage. I never learned to do therapeutic massage though (3 years and about $10,000 which I never had), only relaxation massage. People say "I hurt here, I have this medical condition, what do you think what can you do?" I say I have no training in that area. sorry.
I got top marks in online botany class, so much so that they changed the bellcurve for the other pupils. But that was 2 years ago. What do I remember of botany?? The difference between a fruit and a vegetable, and that seaweed has many economic uses.
I take photos. But I have never taken a photography class. I don't know how to do anything other than a nice snapshot with film from the drugstore.
I have a degree in lithography and ceramics. Could I tell you how to do either now? I last fired my ceramics kiln in 1993 I think.
I have out of date knowledge of New York, LondonUK, Saskatchewan, Amsterdam, and dating-quickly knowledge of San Fran.
I know the lego bible, but not the real one. I have read Stephen Pinker but not Stephen Hawkings. I got great marks in science in high school. High school is over 23 years ago. Yes.
I know all kinds of shit about sex. But I don't have sex anymore.
I know a gazillion tons about relationships that don't work, breaking up, the messes that can happen when you are single and attractive to others, but nothing about relationships themselves. My longest relationship was 2 1/2 years, of which about 6 months was good.
I used to know kids inside out. I havent had a single child regularly in my life (ie once a week for an hour or two) for 4 years now. And that was only for several months. Other than that, I havent had children regularly in my life since um, 1981. Yeah, I feel real confident of my child/babycare knowledge right about now. I feel like I'd need a babysitting class for teenagers just to offer myself as a foster parent.
I used to know everything current about alternative conception methods. It is fading quickly in my mind, and now completely out of date anyways. At least the emotional stories still feel real, and how it is to be infertile is current.
I have a lot of indepth knowledge about the consistancy of the poop of one particular Saint-Bernard.
No, I don't want accolades. or a degree. or to be published. or to run a department. I want to feel like less of a shallow person. I want to be interesting to people who interest me, for more than a day, til they realize that I only know the tiny surface bit.
And maybe I'd be less prone to lose my potential friends, lovers, partners et al to others who are REALLY into whatever it is, and knowledgeable, be it a type of music or skillfully training a slave.
I guess I'd be a good pupil.
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Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
*inspired by Chaosdaily