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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Saturday, Jun. 24, 2006 - 2:26 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.


I am so tired of being sad.

I am so tired of hearing what is wrong with me.
Of course, nothing is wrong with me, I'm a great amazing person, they say, after telling me what is wrong with me.

I am intense. I take up space. I talk a lot.

And no, he doesn't want to go out with me. No he doesn't want to have sex. Yes he has feelings for me. No he doesn't want to be in a couple. Yes, we had good sex. Had. not have. Had. No he doesn't think we'll work out in the long term. Apparently he never thought we'd work out in the long term.

Well, I'd like someone to love me.
Really I would.

I am so sick and tired of loving people in all their multitude of effin imperfections, their short tempers, their weird fits, their defensiveness, their body problems, their self-esteem problems, their arrogance, their impatience. And then being told that I am not ok.

Well, lots of people are loved who are intense, take up space and talk a lot.

I see annoying people all the time who have lovers and partners. People who are adored, and made love to.

I am not getting younger.

Why do I seem to have the choice always between settling, and being alone. Why.

Here I am at home alone.
I crept out carrying my shoes at 2:15 am.

Why does he hold me mostly only when he makes me cry? Why?

What happened to the girl qui poigne? What happened to "I love you" "you are beautiful" "you are cute as a button" wanting to touch me and look into my eyes.

I don't know.

What of it has to do with me?
Which makes me feel worse? Thinking it has to do with me, or knowing it doesn't have anything to do with me?

Which makes me feel better? Feeling that I am not loveable, or feeling that it doesn't make the slightest difference in the world if I am loveable or not, cuz it just aint going to happen.

I better go to sleep.
We are going to the countryside with the dog, one of the kids, a friend of his, tomorrow.

We made salad for the potluck.
Incredible how easy it is to make salad with me, and him and the kid all working to make it.

Why does my life have to be so hard?
Why do I get these people who don't want me to go away, but don't want to have me either?

What is the point of asking why.

Why is it so hard to find someone who will accept to be loved, without me feeling like a sort of love whore, ie giving it out to someone for their needs, and not getting my needs met in return. A love whore. I feel like a love whore. Not even a sex whore. But sometimes that too.

If only it paid well.
OK it pays in having someone turn to you when they have a need.

Is that enough??

At least a real whore gets cash once she is left alone with her needs unmet.
I guess I am a pretty bad businesswoman for a whore.

I think I'll go to sleep now.

Why do so many people think I am great, they don't want to give me up, but they want other people more. Why. Please be in love with me.

But you're not.
You will never be.

Words of truth he spoke tonight: "I'll probably realize how much you meant to me when you have finally had enough and go away".

Stupid idiot people.
Why not try to appreciate me while I am now.

I'm not one of those who wants to make a beautiful corpse.
I want to live while I can enjoy living.

And that is now.

I am so sad.

And you know what ob?
you really fucked me over too.
"Do you know how much I adore you?"

I believed you.
And maybe that is worse.

This one doesn't lie.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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