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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Thursday, Mar. 10, 2005 - 5:49 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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A Few Fears and The Last Class

Third entry tonight. I should be in the bath. Or in bed.

I should be putting together my watercolors for my watercolor class. I'm not going to go. I am a failure I am. A watercolor class failure.

I could be exhausted and miss all the work I need to do, and go. And take the unfinished, untweeked watercolors I did in the classes, where I was one of the most assiduously painting students, putting brush to paper in a concentrated and frenzied manner, insistent on finishing or at least covering the paper in class time since I was pretty sure I wouldn't find time to get back to the work before the critique a week later.

I could show up at like 2 or 3pm, having gotten nearly enough sleep... just to show up for the last class, thank the teacher for the great classes she gave before Christmas when I did manage to get to every one of them. Show the unfinished drawings I have managed to accumulate.

Haha. I am supposed to be showing the finished accumulated work of more than twice as many classes as I managed to attend, as well as additional work done at home. With an eye to picking the images to hang in the class year-end show. hahaha.

That is what makes me want to not go. Showing how I haven't done the work. Not measuring up.

So there is the lost sleep, the travel time which is lost work time, the humiliation, the disappointed look of the teacher, the coming home to a day pretty much over....

And I didn't get my comics page done today so that means two tomorrow (ok for the rest of you, I didn't get my page done on Wed, so that means two on Thurs... today for you, tomorrow for me since bedtime has not yet arrived, though the sky is getting lighter).

OK some fears:

  • The fear of being lazy
  • The fear of being irresponsible
  • The fear of disappointing
  • The fear of not living up to my own expectations
  • The fear of accumulating failures
  • The fear of being someone "not committed"
  • The fear of lack of peer interaction
  • The fear of isolation
  • The fear of wearing myself out
  • The fear of cracking, ie emotional exhaustion or breakdown
  • The fear of financial insoluability
  • The fear of incompetence
  • The fear of being annoying
  • The fear of being intolerable
  • The fear of being rejected
  • The fear of being inconsequential
  • The fear of being mediocre
  • The fear of being a bad pet owner
  • The fear of being infirm
  • The fear of being seen as untrustworthy
  • The fear of being overlooked
  • The fear of being resented
  • The fear of being disliked
  • The fear of being immature
  • The fear of being old and set in my ways
  • The fear of physical and mental aging
  • The fear of lost opportunities
  • The fear of repetitive use injury
  • The fear of being seen as charging too much for my work
  • Which is of course the fear of professional obsolescence
  • The fear of overextending
  • The fear of being unloved and unlovable
  • The fear of being self-righteous and intolerable
  • The fear of losing my home
  • The fear of wasting my life
  • The fear of time slipping by
  • The fear of social ostracism
  • The fear of going insane
  • The fear of chronic illness
  • The fear of lack of independence
  • The fear of it all being my fault and no one else's
  • The fear of it being the fault of everyone and everything else and thus out of my control
  • The fear of meaninglessness
  • The fear of making things worse instead of better

Well, those are pretty vague. But that is what is haunting me right now.

It is sort of hard.

Please read my other two entries tonight: Garden Resurrected and My Goth Name and other things.

nite nite,

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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