Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing
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Wednesday, Mar. 31, 2004 - 1:26 a.m.
WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.
A Year in Review in Black and White
It is hard to go through all your paperwork and your agenda book from a year of broken dreams and up and down relationship memories.
Every bus ticket, every paintbrush bought in her town, every Fedex to her door, or from her door cuz I was working there living there. Stuck down to pages with scotch tape in black and white. Tallied for the taxman.
The story of a girl with hopes and love, travelling overnight on a greyhound. Sending things in advance so she could cross the border without "work" in her hands. Receipts for magazines bought in Detroit to read of the Iraq war, things bought at Home Depot when picking her lover up after work. Receipts receipts receipts. In implaccable order, telling the tale of desire and plans for the future.
An agenda book, searched through for telephone numbers, and appointment dates to give to someone for an invoice... page by page from start to end. 2003. A New Year's Eve phone call, an email, a phone message transcribed "ob called tonight... :) " "ob decided to go to San Fran" :*( "sexy phone message from ob" "made a webpage for ob" "ob says the message wanting to be my girlfriend was from long ago... the offer is no longer good" "ob coming to visit" "dinner with ob in a restaurant" "renting 8 mile with ob" "renting Secretary with ob" "shopping in Dearborn with ob"... times shared and gone.
"Go to Detroit, in Detroit, Back from Detroit"
"Go to Toronto, Home from Toronto"
"Leave for San Fran", "Day 3 in San Fran", "Home from San Fran"
"dogsitter", "doggy back at noon", "catsitter", "mary will pick up mail", "doggy picked up at 2pm"
"AC 611" "greyhound at 1:10 am" "ride to the airport " "ride to the bus depot" "pick up ob at the bus"
Months of pages of happy faces and sad faces, little notations to myself... "sad sad sad" "happy" "angry angry" "funereal"
Travelling travelling to see my girl. Yes, and she wrote to me "my girl"... it says inside my agenda book in her writing. "love, my girl, security, fun & smiles, my heart"... yes it does.//
And on different pages there is "stood up by ob" "cleaned out the closet and found letters ob wrote to corncob and her Mme" "told ob I wouldnt come back til Sept and she just said 'ok'" "left ob" "fed up with ob" "found webpages" "called ob" "called ob's mom about the photos" "package from ob"....
It is very hard to do one's taxes. A year in review it is. In black and white on little pieces of paper, and scribbled on lined pages in blue and black. A sticky note here and there light yellow. A year of hopes and fun, love and tears and most of all betrayal.
Excuse me, I have to go and blow my nose and wipe my eyes. Later.
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previous meanderings - future past
Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009
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