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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004 - 6:35 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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WARNING!!!! if you know me personally, you may read my diary, but if you do, you take the chance of hearing things you don't want to know, misunderstanding what I've written and being hurt by it. If you are unsure if it is ok to read, save yourself and me the grief and heartache, and ask first!!! Please note that this is a DIARY, ie my subjective feelings, hearsay, suppositions, and outpourings of ranting of the moment. It does not represent objective news, the whole of what I think of a topic or someone, or even a thought-out representation of any of the above. Keep that in mind. Thanks. * Here is a Diary Etiquette Read Me.

Alone and Happy at the One Year Mark

Life is simpler without messes. Life is simpler without "love". Friends and things to do. Work and play. Life is simpler without sex and romance. Intimate interaction.

Am I unhappy? no not at all.

Do I cry in the streets and the sheets? No, I smile. I sleep well, I am busy.

Is it surprising? I don't know.

I see other people in life, in movies... the messes, the hopes, the lack of communication, the betrayals, the lies, the misunderstandings and the fear, the anger and the anxiety.

Yes, the passion.

And I used to believe that the passion was worth it. No matter how messy, I used to believe that love was a road to go down.

Now it just looks insane when I see people tearing eachother apart, being blown this way and that by confused and complex desires, hiding things from themselves and each other.

I don't know.

It seems insane that I once believed that people should suffer for the sake of love. That it was cowardly to turn away and not work out the snarled knots of interaction.

Now it just seems crazy and stupid, like being on drugs... having this stuff fuck over your life, and for what? The blind "oh my god I am so in love she's perfect we are made for eachother" that you know won't last. The sacrifices people make in couples and then the other person basically spits on their relationship.

Not saying that some people don't have good relationships.

It is funny, right now I have a friend who is just in the "oh my god I am so in love she's perfect we are made for eachother" phase... it has been what, um, three weeks or something. And tonight he said "I can tell now that if anything tears us apart it will be external, it won't be something between us, or having to do with who we are"...

Do you know that sounds like a six-yr-old who says "I'm gonna marry you Mommy", or the teenager who screams "I hate you I hate you"? Like, um, that's really cute and I will humour you cuz who the hell can tell at 3 weeks? Body hormones, illusions of who the other person is. "She says I am her every fantasy and more". mmm. yeah, a little extravagant and very little reality based I would suggest. After 3 yrs I'll believe it more.

But right now it is cute and amusing, and I am happy for him cuz I have never seen him so happy and feeling ten feet tall. It is a very good thing. And since it is him, I only have to live the fallout as a friend, not be him.


Will I ever get involved again? Of course I will. To say I won't would be to deny my humanity. It would be just ANOTHER equivalent of the "I hate you I hate you" of the teenager... someone mistaking a passing thing for eternity. "I never thought it would end" people say. um duh.

But right now, I am not wishing for someone to hold, nor someone to fall for, not for someone to fuck nor someone to make love to. And it is quite nice I tell you.

On the other hand, the other night I had a fascinating dream where I got shot. uhhuh...

I was a friend of a gangsta, a crime boss was fond of me... I dunno some sort of mafia or something. And rumour had it that i had done something, said something.... but anyways the crime boss was like "well, if I don't get rid of you everyone will be suspicious... sorry, nothing personal you know"... and there I was beside another person, waiting to be killed.

It is a weird thing, kind of like standing at the edge of the highdiving board in the olympic pool... anticipating this rush of sensations that you cannot really predict... I was wondering, how will it feel to get shot? How long will it take to die? How can I conceive of the feeling of the gunshot and the feeling of dying? Will it be painful? Will it burn, tear, be instantaneous death? So bizarre to stand there and wait.

The other person was shot first. They went down. Apparently dead. Time is really slow when someone is shooting you. I got shot. But they must've been told it was ok not to kill me but I had to be fired at.

The shot hit my left ankle. It was like being hit with something, but there was bone and blood. It didn't hurt, it felt like being punched with a brick. Very weird, the disbelief that I had been shot in the ankle and not killed... I had expected a body shot.

Then I was on crutches, where did they come from I don' t know. The ankle was shattered, and I remember sort of grumping to the crime boss that they could've at least shot my right ankle, since my right knee was already shot... how was I supposed to walk with no left ankle and a bad right knee?

Then I thought I should go to the hospital, but they would ask questions. I guess I'd go anyways to get it dealt with.

Then I woke up.

But it was a fascinating dream. The death anticipation, the waiting for the hit, the surprise of getting my ankle shot and being alive, the crutches and shattered ankle. Not scary, just totally fascinating. So much experience all in the interior reaches of my own mind in my bed in my yellow bedroom. Very very interesting.

Well, that is it for today.

Three more episodes of the L-Word. I laughed out loud three times. That is not bad for a cable tv show. I got my bills paid (checks all stuffed into envelopes). And I even drew a page of comics while watching one of the episodes that I had already seen in Saskatoon.

Nite nite,

me, Wenchie who really is doing quite well.

ps, do you realize I have now had my diary for over a year? I missed the anniversary which was on the 24th!! Last year at this time I was really damaged goods.

Maybe I will start doing the "a year ago today" entry thing that Onewetleg does. She calls hers the "year old complaints dept", hehe.

Well, if you are at all interested (and have already ready my other entries of today: Comments and Goth Hanky Code, you are quite welcome to read my first entries from a year ago when I first started out:

So there ya are, all the last yrs listing to this date.

Here is my horoscope for Monday, August 30:

You'll have some very special cosmic inspiration to get you out of bed -- but only if there's someone near and dear to you that you're just dying to see. Otherwise, why not rest up for tonight?

Once again, i have no bloody clue what that means. Nobody special to see today, and no reason to rest up for tonight. tah!!

Me, da wenchola signing off twice on one entry!

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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