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Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
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Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
- Pueblo Blessing

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Wednesday, Jul. 21, 2004 - 1:49 a.m.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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Evil Dead, Art Classes, Icecream Boy and Babies

Waga waga!

Another entry tonight... the last was just that "year of birth" thing...

I am NEARLY ready to go teach these kids an art lesson tomorrow. I really should be brushing my teeth, and getting ready for bed so that I can be fresh and bushytailed, or brighteyed and spiffy, or somesuch when I am getting up at 10 am. Or better yet, 9:30 am. eeeeeeeek!

I have to get the car at 11, to drive out there for 1:30. It's about an hour and a half trip, but I want to leave time for me to be late, get lost, etc.

I've practiced reading out loud the book I will read them... where the whole town transforms into zebras... Some are just zebras, some are zebras with clothes... ie a busdriver zebra, a cop zebra, and some are people in the middle of transformation, ie zebra ears and some stripes showing up on regular people.

I'm gonna get the kids to look at each other and pick out prominent features that jump out when we look at them... ie "wearing a red shirt", "has pigtails", "has green glasses" etc... so that when they draw their character they can keep some clues of who it is.

I want to put them in groups of two, and have them draw each other, but as animals. I just went through all my files to get nice big clear pictures of various animals. I tried for bright colors (ie parrots, mandrills, tree frog with red eyes), weird and interesting shapes (mountain goat curled horns, antelope antlers) or patterns (snow leopard, panda).

So I want them to pick out some features of the animals that are clues as well.

And then draw their partner transforming into that animal.

Afterwards I think we'll have each hold up the pic, and try to guess who their partner was, and what animal. It could be fun. I hope.

I'm taking watercolor paper, some of the acrylic colored inks i use (only 5 colors) and all the gear necessary (palettes, plates to mix the colors on, paintbrushes etc)... and like the last time I did this two years ago, I'll show them how to make ALL the colors I use in my drawings with just those five basic colors. That always amazes them.

When I get them to guess, they guess 50 colors. Then 100 when I say '"no"... and then "zillions!, gazillions!" etc... and they are always boggled when I say "FIVE".

So we talk a little about how to make the regular colors... most kids know green, orange, purple, but also browns, greys... that is a stumper... grey... they have to mix all the colors to get black, and then let the white of the paper make it lighter by adding water. I think it works well as an intro both to color mixing and watercolor (vs adding white to make something lighter).

The last time they all had fun, and me too. I guess it was ok cuz I'm invited back. But this is a new class idea... we'll see how it goes.

Other news... hahaha! My friend who bought me the tickets to "Evil Dead The Musical" realized that he is OUT OF TOWN that night. Whahahaha! Silly toot! It is sad cuz I would like to go with him... I mean, what is the point of him buying a prezzie to go without him?? But the tickets are nonrefundable, so he is giving them to me anyways, and since Hotsauce will also be out of town, I've invited Lucky Kitty.

She enthusiastically accepted, and even went so far as to suggest that she will bring over makeup and we'll go all decked out as ghouls. Hehe. I should have known. She's not Lucky KITTY for nothing... besides good teeth, claws and a wicked mrowl, she has been known to appear with her hair dyed with leopard spots, and face makeup to match (to say nothing of her funky tattoos). She also does things like jerk off a metal dildo on stage with an electric grinder (sparks galore), so chainsaws replacing hands are quite up her alley. It should be a fun date.

And NO I did not invite icecream boy. I admit I am very ambivalent about him and what I want with that. I also admit I am surprised that he hasn't called back, seeing as now it is the third night since he invited me back to watch movies, and I declined. I said that I was very busy for the next few weeks, being out of town alot, but that often I can be persuaded away from work if a friend calls me up when I need a break. hint hint.

At the same time, well let's see. We got along really well the first night. And we still do. He's very laid back, and seems to actually love it when I go on and on. He said he likes listening to me. I do get him to talk too (hehe, ms interview, that's me)...

Anyhews, the first night (last Friday) we sat at his place and chatted about Fahrenheit 9-11 which he recommended, and a bit about American politics... always good to agree on such things. His place is bogglingly tidy. Not even tidy. Clean and spartan. Ob's place was zen, but had lots of knicnacks which gave character. Gorgeous taste in decor.

Icecream boy has NOTHING lying around. A butcherblock sort of old table, with not an item on it. An old wooden chair with carving. A couch. Wood floor with no dust, and nothing under the furniture. Clean kitchen. When I said something, he showed his bedroom/studio. To show he is not ALWAYS so clean... I think he meant the two sheets of paper stacked up with one book and a pen was clutter. Terrifying. I have more clutter than that around me at the coffeeshop when I go there for an hour. And he's lived there for several years.

We went out to poster for the show on Saturday after that. Dropping in a used bookstore, he ended up buying three books I recommended. (one of my friends said that is a sure sign he is interested)... he didn't seem to know the bookstore, and expressed surprise at the low prices. This does not indicate someone who purchases used books, I tell ya.

We had pizza, cuz I wanted something NOT SALAD GARDENEY... can you say, organic veggie box / community garden overload?? He had suggested Thai (and said St Hubert BBQ was BAD BAD... hehe, that was one of M.Black the latex guy's places to eat! LOL!). Anyways, that was fun.

He ended up taking my comic book too... I had waved it at him at one point (and specifically didnt bring out my illustration stuff even though he said he'd like to see some, and I had samples in my bag, cuz I was trying not to do the overload thing)... and he shoved it in the bag with the books from the used bookstore. I was,like, ummm... ok.

Afterwards, walking back to his place, we sort of did the french kisskiss on the sides of the cheeks, and I had my hand lightly touching the side of his waist so mentioned that no, he didn't need to lose weight (the waitress had said he could afford to eat more!)... and we ended up talking about muscles, since he works as a mover. I said I have none anymore, and showed a bicep, or lack of one. He still thought I had one, haha, but noticed the bruise, and was surprised I skipped over it... yeah, didn't want to explain all the Lucky Kitty party stuff yet, as I wrote before.

So the next day, Saturday, we met up and went to the folk rock show my friend was singing at. He seemed surprised I didn't want a beer (some apricot flavoured one he was drinking)... AND he said he'd read my comic book... (he paid me for it)... the next words were "So HOW OLD are you ANYWAY?"... He guessed 35/30.... Turns out he is 32. eek. damn. I was really hoping for at least 36. Damn.

AND he is the youngest of 6 kids. I don't want to end up as mommy again. Though it seems that I DO get along with younger people for dating and relationships. It WAS nice the coupla times that I was seeing someone a year or so older than me... we had different attitudes to work, had mortgages etc. I dunno.

Anyhews... he had to LOOK UP "dyke" in the dictionary. Though the gay content didn't seem to discourage or shock him. He doesn't seem to know anything about bdsm either, or indeed many things about Montreal... I took him for bagels at St. Viater Bagels... a Montreal landmark.. he didn't know it existed. He didn't know about the Rialto, which is a landmark alternative cinema/ show venue. He didn't know that Venez T*els Quels is Montreal's women's sex shop.

He is just now thinking of a career (vs driving a truck around the states, buying veggies for a fruit store, working as a mover etc)... at least it is in sciences which is cool, or maybe an ambulance driver. But it would be nice to be with someone who wasnt just starting formal education.

I suppose I am taking all of this too seriously. But hell, other than that drunken Valentines Day idiot, I haven't even kissed in a year, let alone had sex. And my heart is not so willing to embark on another "oh this is fun while it lasts" extravaganza right now.

So... saying goodbye after walking back from the music show, he wanted me to come back to his place to watch a movie or whatever. Whatever. Yeah, We sort of hugged when I said goodbye, and he ended up kissing me. hmmm. I dunno. I kinda wish there was no kiss... it makes things scarier. Like if there hadn't been a kiss I might've been more likely to call him for a coffee or ask him to the Evil Dead musical.

But now it feels like if I do those things it is going "I want more kissing". eek.

And I don't know if I do.

I admit that I cried on my bike on my way home after the kiss. Why do I feel so reticent and scared? And I missed ob. I dunno I would compare with how I actually wanted to kiss ob, I didn't feel holding back. I didnt feel wildly attracted to her at first either, but I didn't feel protective of myself... it was just casual and nice and then developed.

But with ob, the sexy flirting and silliness was there from the start, cuz even before we started anything we were at the same bdsm parties, and even a girls' orgy in the countryside, hehe. So we knew we had some of the same interests. And we were both into girls, neither was straight as far as bdsm or gay.

I fear being judged. I fear once again trying something with someone who is straight where I feel like the marginal wild weird one. With someone who is curious about bdsm things but then ends up doing things only for me. Where there is not the complicity. Where the sex is nice and caring at the start but then we both get bored or whatever... maybe they think I am too weird and I think they are too limited. I don't know. But it has happened before.

So, many fears.

Fears of getting hurt. Fears of straight boys and their straight boy worlds and expectations of girls. Fears of younger guys looking up to me and me being the mentor, the mommy, the stable one who has a career and knows more people (my god we kept bumping into people I know on the street... how does that happen that I know so many people???) etc. Fears of clash between straightboy and dykeyweird girl.

I don't feel like being the fun exotic flower, the one who runs around goofy and doing silly things, while someone else indulges me. I liked how with ob we bounced off each other. And how we were each more stable in some ways. I had a house and a credit card, she had a real job. I can be emotional and ranting, she was calm and reasonable. She could be childish and fearful, I could be more stable and experienced in relationships.. I dunno, it seemed to be very complimentary.

Anyways, I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. Another coffee or a movie with icecream boy won't kill me I guess.

On another front... my fetish club friend has had her baby, Snowy... she had to have a cesaerean after 24 hours labour, but now has a gorgeous sweet lovely little girl. Adorable. I visited the happy family in the hospital last night. Daddy is doting, in charge of the diaper changes (and taking all the notes on the hospital form about stool and urine!) Mommy is nursing. It was so nice. I am very happy for them. yay.

Well, this has gotta be the world's longest entry. I gotta go and work a bit on the last drawings for the adult language education book, and then get to bed.


me, wenchola.

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previous meanderings - future past

Goodbye Michael. May your next life be kinder to you. - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Taking Care of Your Cows - Thursday, Jun. 25, 2009
Saint Joseph robs the cradle and eats spaghetti - Sunday, Jun. 14, 2009
sticky notes and broken irises - Friday, Jun. 12, 2009
The FOODCOMMANDER - Monday, Jun. 08, 2009


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